Friday, 30 June 2017

Friday Funnies

I couldn't think of an alternative title. I'm too tired.

I really want to try this on someone

Can they vaccinate meat?

Mother Nature is fighting back. Very, very slowly. 

As a Brit everything I say sounds sarcastic 

Speaking of Brits being sarcastic

This is how I'm going to die

I'd vote for the guy on the right just for their massive balls

What a steal!

They're just too long

I was having a bad day. This does help. 
Have a great weekend folks!

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Rough Day, Smooth Driving

I'm in for a pretty rough day today but I'm going to avoid complaining about that, and instead let you know how my last driving lesson went.

It turns out that learning to drive is a lot like learning to ride a bike. You just don't forget. Unless you take too long of course. There was about a decade between my riding a bike and I didn't get it right away. That was a decade though, and I picked it back up pretty quickly. There was only a month between driving lessons.

Things progressed pretty smoothly. We discussed how long I should wait before taking another test (around a month), and just went around for a two hour drive to get me back into the groove. My instructor never felt the need to intervene directly but he did admit there were a few moments where he admitted he should have, or that a driving test invigilator would have. So it wasn't a perfectly smooth drive. No one got hit though, which is what I consider to be a plus.

We also talked about why I failed my test. He said that he would look over the footage of my test and let me know where things went wrong. It's tough because he doesn't have audio (legally he can only record video) but he should be able to tell enough about what happened from the footage. We'll look at what went wrong and spend the next month smoothing out my mistakes so I can pass next time.

I'm gonna keep on driving, I'm gonna keep on getting there, and I'm gonna go pass my test. Because I'm fucking awesome.

Monday, 26 June 2017

Back to Normal

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, because my memory is just that terrible, but Jess spent the week here. We did some work on the house - cleaning up the kitchen and bathroom - and had some fun, but she's going back home today. Tomorrow is also my first driving lesson in about a month. I didn't plan on waiting that long but, to be quite honest, I just couldn't afford it.

But with Jess going home and my driving lessons starting back up, it seems things are going back to normal for me. I'm a little anxious about getting back behind the wheel, but that's just because of how long it's been. I'll get back into it pretty quickly. There was that time I went a few weeks without a driving lesson and was able to pick it back up quickly. Tomorrow will be more of a refresher lesson before we get into the meat and potatoes of why I failed and what we can do to ensure I don't fail the next time.

I still have hopes I can pass my test before the end of August, which is when I go on holiday. My dad says that he can survive driving us there again for another year but it really would be so much easier if I could do the driving. Then he could take the kids on the train so we have more room for luggage (mostly theirs) and I could take the cats to and from the cattery myself. Actually one of the conditions of putting them in the cattery was A) I would pay for it and B) I would take them there and pick them up. Not that my dad would mind taking care of that too if he had to.

I got two months to get this shit done.

Let's do it.

Plus with a license I could pick Jess up and take her home whenever I wanted.

Friday, 23 June 2017

I Got That Friday Feeling

I still feel a little sick, but I have a lot of work to do to finish up by the end of the day so I can spend the weekend off with Jess doing more work around the house. She's taking care of the bathroom today, which is the smallest room in the house. Later on we're going to get drunk and watch bad Batman movies. Wish us luck!

Just kill me now

And we're all invited

I'm kinda sad I never gave - or received - one of these notes


That kid is going places

Yes please

This is brilliant

Cats are the ultimate attention whores

Neither of these things has happened to me. 

This is true evil genius
Have a great weekend folks. I wonder how well the "Bat Nipples" have aged.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

This is the Last Thing I Needed

I don't know if you're aware but the UK has been going through somewhat of a heatwave lately. That heatwave decided to end last night. While I was trying to sleep. So rather than sleeping for a good six to eight hours, I slept for three sessions of two hours interspersed with an hour of sneezing. That's right folks; I have caught the dreaded Summer Cold.

It really sucks because I have a lot of work I need to get done today, and me and Jess were able to make a good start on the kitchen yesterday. I only have the energy to handle one of those tasks today, at best, and paid work is going to have to win out. I don't feel comfortable asking her if she can manage it by herself but what choice do I have? I'll just have to get her something nice in return I guess.

So it looks like I'll be stuck in bed forcing myself to work for most of the day. Which is never really a fun situation to be in. One of the worst parts about being a freelancer is that we don't get sick days. When all your projects have a timetable and you're the only one that can handle the job you have to force your way through it.

Maybe things would be easier if I was willing to deliver an order late but I enjoy having a perfect record, so screw that. The only way I'm going to deliver an order late is if I get hospitalised, and even then I'd probably just cancel it.

Well, let's see how my body holds out.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Taking a Day Off

I'm going to be taking a day off work today because I'm still worn down from a weekend spent maintaining my computer while still trying to get work done. I planned on taking the weekend off but, obviously, that was not to be. So I can take today off instead.

To be honest it's also just too hot to get anything done. The temperature today is in the high-20s. To put that into perspective I don't function well at anything around 20, much less anything around 30. So I'm also going to go out and buy a big ass fan. I have a desk one but it's not very useful. It gets blocked by all the junk on my desk and my laptop. Gonna get me a big ass rotary one and just drown in the cool air.

Knowing me I'll probably get some work done later. It doesn't matter how much I complain about work, I still get it done and I still have plenty of times I'm tempted to do it. It's very rare for me to actually take a full day off and do absolutely no work at all. It's just not something I can do.

It's kind of strange in a way I've reached the point where I need to work. I completely understand all those people who work very hard at what they do and have made their work their life. It also means that I think even less of people living on handouts and refusing to work because they can. It's a delicate balance.

Anyway, I don't really have a whole lot to talk about so I think I'll just end this here anyway. Have a great day folks. Set up a fan, sit in front of it, and let the cold air wash over you. Also don't forget your sunscreen! I need to pick up some of that too.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Time For the Weekend

I don't know about you guys but I'll have a potentially busy weekend as I may have to restore my computer. So I have to back everything up and then spend about 12 hours waiting for it to purge itself. Fun times.

This is great but it makes me sad I can't see said alpaca

There's a good chance this is not a PS4

This is the coolest gadget of all

I have participated in history

To bad I never learned a second language

This is a cool cake

Freeman is a cool guy

Doesn't seem fair for the news to tell us how close to orgasm she is

What matters is that someone loves you, even if it is your mum

I hope they were able to survive the ordeal
Have a great weekend everybody. Here's hoping my computer survives the journey.

And my sanity.

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Getting Back on Track

I'm tired of saying this but it's about time that I got back on track. My phone turned up in the mail a few days ago so I've now got everything I need to stay on top of the game. Unfortunately yesterday was a real mess for me. I only got about four hours sleep, but still spent close to ten hours forcing my way through work and destroying my body on the way through sugar, fat, and booze. I even had a moment where I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw looking back at me. It was a wake-up call to say the very least.

I really don't want the person I look at in the mirror to be me. I want to change that. I want to be happy with who I am. The good news is that it is entirely possible of course. I just need to stop giving in to life. Having a bad day isn't an excuse to pig out. It's a challenge I need to overcome. I need to be able to go through a bad day without making mistakes, and show life that I'm not going to give in. Not anymore. That's not who I want to be, and it's not who I am.

I'm booking a driving lesson for next week. I'm going to pass my test on the second try. I will drive my family to our family holiday in August. I will drive my cats to and from the cattery before - and after - we leave. I will stick to my diet. I will lose weight. I will work hard.

I will.

The only thing I won't do is give up, because giving up is for quitters and I'm tired of being a quitter.

Monday, 12 June 2017

Back Along Again

I don't think I mentioned it but Jess came by to live with me for the whole week. She'll be going home in a few hours and then I'll be back on my own. It'll be a little weird to be by myself again to be honest. But we're both hoping to leave here and meet up again as better people.

Both of us are going to go back on our diets and actually fucking stick to them this time. The next time she comes down we'll stick to it together. Like we did before. She's also going to go back to her doctor and not let them mistreat her this time. She's got some idea of what to do with her life and will focus on self-improvement.

As for myself, I think it's long-past time I got back behind the wheel of a car. I actually haven't had a driving lesson since I failed my test. At first I was just going to take a week off, but then I didn't have the money to do it. I don't have a phone right now because it's in the repair shop too, so I'm not in contact with my instructor anyway. So between now and when I get my phone back (the end of the week) I'm going to stockpile my money and psych myself up.

I will pass my test in time to drive to Skegness in August for my family holiday.

I will.

I failed to pass my test on my birthday, but I can still reach my other goal.

We got this. Me and Jess. We fucking got this.

Friday, 9 June 2017

Well That Was Different

So the results are in and, well, we don't have a government anymore. Funny how that works. Let's just distract ourselves from the fact that we only got five hours sleep and are hoping to not die.

Was that just me? Alright then.

My cat has never shat in my shoes, which makes me worry about their quality

I can only hope to be half this cool

It would make a lot of sense if I was dead


I do this all the time

I need the world's most redundant clock

If only cats felt love

This is a great joke

Nowadays we waste our time reading about how we used to waste time

This is one cool cat
Have a good weekend folks. Apparently I owe PayPal some money. It'll be fine later on when I can get said money, but for now - and in the future - I really have to stop spending. I'm living with a cook. The fuck am I still buying food for?

God I hate myself.

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Election Day

It's kind of funny that my last post was about replacements and, in a roundabout way, this one could be too.

So, it's election day for us Brits. You would be forgiven for not knowing. It's a few years early (it was supposed to happen in 2020), and we also don't make a big deal of it. The whole process can take a few weeks, rather than the several year grandiose affair it is in the States.

Things are going to be a little interesting for us because of the recent terror attacks. On the one hand, you have Jeremy Corbyn. He's kind of pro-muslim so I doubt he'll do to well given recent events. On the other, you have Theresa May. She is our current Prime Minister and called the election in the hopes of getting a bigger majority for her party. She was hoping all the people that voted for the Brexit would vote for her. Unfortunately for her the people who voted Brexit are low-income families and she - as a Tory - is not going to be voted for by low-income families because of her hatred of them. It would be like a Republican expecting poor democrats to vote for tax increases and further fucking of the poor.

Luckily for us Brits we have plenty of solid third party candidates, which you guys in America don't really have. Last time there was an election I voted for the Green Party myself. Given how much people hate politicians right now - and how we don't have a non-politician candidate of our own - voter apathy will likely be a big thing this time too.

I'm not going to go on a rant but I'll just say that voter apathy is one of my most despised things. I get that you feel your vote has no affect, but you can't not vote and then complain about the results. Go out there and vote you apathetic bastards.

And the rest of you too. Go on. Vote.

Monday, 5 June 2017


About a month or so ago I noticed that it was getting harder to charge my phone. At first I thought it was the charger. Now though, it's become pretty obvious it was the phone. The charger port is ruined and I'm going to have to get it replaced today.

Thankfully the thing is covered by insurance. This actually isn't the first time I've had to use my phone insurance to replace my phone. There was a time last year where I dropped my phone while running and thought the screen was broken. In my defense it was pretty heavily cracked. After going through the whole process of paying my premium to have it replaced and admitting I broke my phone just a month or two after getting it, it turned out that my screen wasn't broken at all. The screen protector was. I've never felt so stupid. Especially when they refused to refund my premium because I had "customised" the replacement phone. I'd been using it for like 2 hours. Apparently that was 2 hours to much for them.

At least this time the thing is actually broken.

It's amazing how much of a part of my life my phone has become. I've never really needed one before. I've never had friends and I never leave the house so I didn't even need one for emergency purposes.

Of  course everything changed when I went freelance. While I still use my phone a lot to play games and talk to the friends I have gained since getting it, the notifications about my emails and for work are invaluable. If I didn't have that I'd have to have the website open all day and keep checking it. It's really incredible how one device has gone from being nothing to me, to being a major part of my life.

It's probably scary too.

Well, either way, I should have a new one in a day or two.

Friday, 2 June 2017

It's Friday Already?

It's going to be a long weekend for me, and it all starts today. Yippee.

This is the best teacher ever 
Further proof cats exist in the fourth dimension

And now many Americans look like whales too. Hi-oh! Did I do that right? 
The world has never made more sense


That's deep

My life goal is to be a "former child"

This is funny on too many levels

This makes me want to stop blinking

German truly is the best language ever
Have a great weekend folks. I won't, so you guys have to have one for me!


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