It's a live post today folks because by the time I realised I didn't have anything to go it was 3AM and it was much too late. At least I did have something in mind to talk about so I can talk about it live instead on a slight delay.
I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I went back to the doctors for help losing weight. They've put me on this thing where I meet what I assume is a nutritionist once every few weeks and a lady who is a psychologist once every two or three months. So far I've had two meetings with the guy nutritionist and one with the lady psychologist. I met with the guy yesterday and he said something that really hit me. It depressed the hell out of me but it hit me pretty damn hard in a good way.
I got to talking to him about how I had made a few fuck ups over the past few weeks. I opened up about how my major problem wasn't emotional eating, but rather lack-of-emotional eating. See; when I get depressed, hurt, or upset, I just stop feeling. I have these periods of being extremely down where nothing bad or good gets in. THAT'S when I make all my eating mistakes. I actually only gained a pound which means that if I didn't mess up and eat pizza I would have actually lost a few pounds. I told him that even though I've never been suicidal (I even gave my own psychologist the great line of "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem"; apparently she'd never heard it and said she was going to use it now) I'm still a fairly self-destructive person and was aware that I was eating myself to death.
That's when he told me the thing that really opened my eyes. He said that, in a way, my self-destructive eating is a form of self-harm. I got to thinking and I realised that he was absolutely right. It really was a form of self-harm. That was...depressing. Like I said though it opened my eyes.
I need to think of a better way to distract myself during those really low periods. I need to find a better, healthier way to get it out of my system. I got problems and I got a list of issues a mile long but recognising them is the first step towards moving past them.