Monday, 8 December 2014

Less Time Means Less Happiness

I was doing things I generally do in life; mostly these days it's trying to not drink myself to death. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't afford booze. That's when I really thought about what my problem is right now. There's no real order or balance in my life.
I'm the kind of person that really benefits from plans and organisation. I have a hard time committing to things if I've not planned to do them. Like I have a hard time writing because I've found time. Back when I was doing my therapy the main thing she told me was to plan my days. For a while I did and I was able to stick to the plans and get things done. I tried to plan my life more and it worked well, and then my life became unplannable.
I have no idea what I'll have to write each day, and I don't know how long it will take me. So I can't really write or plan around my work. There's also no telling how much my work will take out of me. Some days I end with lots of creativity and energy left in me and some days I want to just stab something. I've been really stressed and depressed lately. To be honest I'm considering asking my doctor if I can have low level antidepressants without being in therapy. I just don't have the drive and motivation and right now I'm not in a position to get it back.

Right now I just keep sighing and thinking things won't get better rather than taking steps to make them a little better. I have some plans but will I go through with them? Hell if I know. What's worse is right now I feel like I'm the one to blame for my problems so I won't really complain about them because I'm not really doing anything about them. I just needed to get this out and I'll probably shut up about it now.

Is your life organised at all? Do you at least have some kind of weekly schedule? 


  1. Good idea to see the doc and discuss the anti depressants Mark. I am very organized, but naturally so.

  2. We all need a good vent every now and then. My life is relatively organized although I've become less so as I age. Not as much stuff gets done now and frankly, I don't care.

  3. I need structure, otherwise my time just falls apart. Every morning before I start working I make a little spreadsheet where I maximize my time. From 8-9, I blog read. From 9-11, I work. From 11-12, I write. And so on. And then I make myself stick to it.

  4. If you're having trouble planning, don't go for too strict a schedule at first. Just make a timeline of your average day (force yourself to get up and go to bed around the same time each day: rhythm is important, and so are eight hours of sleep!), and mark off "zones". For example, mark 11 AM to 1 PM as your "writing zone". Try to spend at least one hour of that time writing, or doing related things. This extra hour of padding leaves you with space to mess around, so your schedule doesn't punish you the second you lose focus.

    At a loss for inspiration? That's fine, give it a rest. Know that feeling when you forget something, but the harder you try to remember, the further the thought drifts away? Inspiration can be like that. The harder you chase, the further it runs. Go do some mundane activity (a simple game, some other activity) that takes your mind off it all, but still allows you to run some background processes.

    "energy left in me": Spend it!
    "want to stab something": Invest in a punching bag, get that frustration out, and then move on. Just accept that it happens, part of the process.

    Re: anti-depression meds: You probably know more about this than me, so my advice may be way off mark (heh), but try to not use them as your solution, even if it's a temporary one. There's always the risk of becoming dependent, and falling back to them "just this once" makes subsequent times much easier to give in to. They're a bandaid solution, they don't tackle the core problem. (If they help you do that though, something can be said for their use, but you have to set yourself up for success.)

    I'm still no expert, and this may all be advice you've heard before. Hell, chances are you aren't even looking for advice, just wanted to vent, but I couldn't help myself, so here.
    Stay strong man, you'll bounce out eventually.

  5. I can't stand it if my life isn't organised and in order. I was making lists and schedules at the age of three. I don't want to know what would happen to me if I lost that sense of control.

    Nothing wrong with wanting to be the boss.

  6. Sounds like you need a Quest List, buddy. And I don't just mean for work. Ya need one fo yo life.

    Is my own life organized? Buddy... haha.

    When I wake up in the morning I run through a mental task list of OBJECTIVES for the day, divided into two sections: [Primary] and [Secondary]. [Primary] objectives might include delivering a package, submitting important paperwork, anything that involves an upcoming deadline, etc. [Secondary] objectives can be more mundane chores like "buy dish soap and toilet paper", "refill lens cleaner fluid at Costco". I put all of this into a numbered list and I keep the number in mind so I don't forget anything. This is all done mentally, I don't write any of this down. In addition, on Mondays I go online and check my finances, i.e. credit card balances, bank account, etc. I don't fuss over any of it for the rest of the week.

    Sounds like I have my shit together, doesn't it? Well, don't give me too much credit for just being an organized kind of guy. The truth is I am prone to feeling very lost inside my own head. Without conscious effort I can almost feel my thoughts just swirling around in there. This entire system I've created for myself is the result of necessity, not ingenuity.

  7. I need organization so badly right now! it actually helps not to be so drained, but some people have it some people don't. Writing is a day by day thing for me, too. I have never used an outline in my life. Whatever works I guess.

  8. I hope things even out for you soon, Mark. Finding balance can be very difficult. Especially when we're used to winging it for so long. Best of luck!

  9. It takes a lot of time to find something that works for you. Forcing myself to follow a schedule of forcing myself to do things didn't work for me, because I just burn myself out. Sometimes you have to accept limitations and realize you can only do so much in a day.


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