Thursday, 9 January 2014

There Are No Breaks On The Blog Tour

Hello loyal readers. Well, Mark’s loyal readers anyway. My name is Addman and I run a humour Blog called Muppets For Justice.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “What has he done with Mark? Is he trying to usurp him and steal his Blog? Has he locked Mark in a septic tank and is keeping him sustained solely on fish flakes?” Well, that would be a legitimate question, and one that I have prepared a fully robust response to should the police get involved. But for now, you’re stuck with me.

So, why am I here? Well, since Mark is a well-respected writer and generally nice guy, I figured this would make a great stop on my current Blog Tour. I’m touring to promote my book, which is also called Muppets For Justice and available on Amazon now. It’s a comedy book full of short articles that have been scientifically adjusted to produce optimum moisture release within your undergarments. The book contains some of the best stuff available on my Blog, plus a whole wedge of new, never before seen material. Think of it as a greatest hits album, with tons of B sides and unreleased songs.

In order to give you a taster, here’s an excerpt to give you an idea of what to expect. This is taken from a short story called “Espionage”, where the central character awakes in captivity with no idea as to what is going on:

Have you ever wondered how difficult it would be to breathe with a bag over your head? Neither had I, but there I was, greedily sucking fresh wisps of air through the hessian like someone was slowly pouring honey on me through a sieve.

I couldn’t remember why I was here. I couldn’t see anything, which was just as well because I think I was naked and tied to a chair. Perhaps it was best not see the person or persons who were holding me captive. I struggled slightly against my bonds as I tried to unstick my clammy buttocks from the chair underneath, failing spectacularly and instead sitting on my own left nut.

Before I could correct this terrible wrong, an alarming wave of ice water was thrown all over me, making the hairs on my arms and legs ping off in state of shock. I began to gasp as my mouth filled with unwelcome, freezing liquid. My senses had barely recovered when I heard a guy shout “wake up!”

I’m already awake, you fucking bastard!” I calmly replied.

With that, the bag was ripped off my head and my world was filled with light once more. Well, as much light as you can get in a leaky basement. At first I thought I’d been tricked into parlour with Uncle Peter again, but I didn’t recognise the two burly guys in suits and shades. I doubted that these two would hang out with a chronic stool collector and general shut in like my uncle.

Oh sorry about that” mumbled the first, tallest suit.

Don’t apologise to him!” the second chastised, picking up another bucket and throwing it towards me. My hopes of a bucket full of confetti were dashed as I received another drenching. My unmentionables would need ironing to undo all this shrivelling.

As the water drained from me like a freshly-birthed hippo, the second man (who I had decided was the nastier of the two. I had already given him the nickname “Horrid Henry” before I realised this was already copyrighted and I received an imaginary court summons for merely thinking of it) grabbed the back of my chair and dragged me across the room. He positioned my chair underneath a dripping pipe. I could feel the soft pat of each drop on my scalp, although I was already too wet to care at this point. When I enquired as to the purpose of this exercise, the nice one explained that I was being subjected to Chinese water torture. I wasn’t sure what was so Chinese about it. Perhaps the leaky pipework had been sourced from the World’s fastest growing economy. I daren’t ask in case it was considered racist.

If you enjoyed that, then no doubt you’ll love Muppets For Justice.


Failing that, feel free to follow me at muppetsforjustice.blogspot.co.uk


And with that, I've just received the ransom money, so Mark will return soon and normality shall resume. Thank you for having me, and peace out.
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Am...am I back? We're out of time? Well alright then. Let me just get in a quick plug of my own quick. Tune in tomorrow for a podcast from me! It took long enough.

13 comments:

  1. I was wondering about Mark. I thought maybe he was stuck in the blizzard. Good luck with your book, and have a justice filled 2014.

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  2. You've got to be careful with that Chinese water. They pump it full of MSG, you know.

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  3. ha. fun stuff...nice teaser too...i have been looking for something to produce moisture in my undergarments, so this is timely....please give mark and extra shake of fish food from me today....

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  4. I love your blog
    followed
    http://minimaysi.blogspot.co.uk/

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  5. Wait, "optimum moisture release?" Your writing will cause my taint to sweat? I don't bel ... Well, there it goes, does the book come with a towel?

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  6. So...it'll make me pee myself?
    Sweet.

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  7. "As the water drained from me like a freshly-birthed hippo..." Now that's a spectacular visualization. I hope to see more of these metaphors in your book.

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  8. Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I hope you have found this charmingly wonderful guest post to your satisfaction, and that it has persuaded you to buy 10 copies each.

    I'm pleased to say that Mark has been released safely and will be returned to his family soon enough.

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  9. Hello again Mr Addman I will keep following you about on your tour just so that I can make sure you are really who you say you are and not an alien trying to sneak into cyberspace as an innocent blogger out to make an honest buck. Aliens are like that full of tricks.

    Keep up the good work, WOW Mark gets folk commenting. . . . . OK I do too but its just the three folk and you are one of them.....

    Oooooo I love a good Chinese takeaway...

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