I find myself in a bit of an odd place right now. I'm exhibiting the signs of depression, mostly a lack of motivation, but I'm not actually depressed. I spend a large amount of my day smiling and just randomly smiling. It's not something I'm used to. At the same time though, I'm having a heck of a time to build up the motivation to get things done. To actually do things in general really. I'm wasting my days away. As I said though, I'm not depressed. I'm really quite happy.
Still I find it difficult to write. I find it difficult to go to the gym. I find it difficult to go out at all. I find it difficult to call up the motorbike school and get this CBT sorted (my dad is at work all this week and I need him to take me there, so it's not possible this week. Feck.). I'm just finding it difficult to do something productive or that will impact my life positively. At least I finally went to my doctor and asked him to test me for diabeetus. They took a blood sample last week and I should have the results back either today or tomorrow. It generally takes them about a week to process the results. Even if I don't have the diabeetus I should be making some lifestyle changes. In a way I kind of have because I bought some more real food lately. I've been eating more of it too. At the same time, with this lack of motivation, I'm going to find it difficult.
I'd say that it's because I'm at a bit of an impasse right now. I still don't know if I can do this job I technically have and I'm still waiting for that medical form. The people who got me the job are going to get in touch with them again today. The Human Resources guy there is baffled because apparently, he definitely sent the letter and he's gotten them back from the other people who had to fill them out. I take it as a sign that I really should not be doing this job. Some great Celestial being, probably Celestia, is taking care of me.
That is the case for some of these things, such as the CBT and it was the reason I didn't go to the doctor straight away. I wanted to wait for my medical form and combine the trips. I also find it very hard to set aside a day to learn how to ride a motorbike when I'm not sure when I'll actually be free. It doesn't really excuse the lack of keeping myself in shape or writing though. For a long period of time I was writing things the day I was uploading them. It's why I thanked the fans and said that they were the reason I was able to keep doing it. I was burned out long before that story ended.
I suppose that while some aspects of my life are going great for once, others aren't. I'm not exactly depressed, not by a long shot, I really am just having difficulty staying motivated. Damn, my sleep deprivation has been getting worse too. I lose a whole half hour to an hour in the morning now. It ain't fun. Not hard to see why I'm having trouble staying motivated really.