Despite being angry, bitter, full of hate for the world and it's inhabitants, a drug dealer away from a drug problem and being one step away from being an alcoholic (once I get over how much I don't like the taste of alcohol I can begin that long, dark journey to drowning my sorrows), even I must admit there are some positive aspects to me. Let us explore a few.
Did anyone else burst out laughing at the concept of me not being full of self loathing? As if that could happen.
It's a strange thing to ponder with yourself just which side of you is fake. Which of the two sides of you that you show people, is the real you. If it stands to reason that you're who you are when you're on your own, then I am not a good man. I am, as previously mentioned, a cold and bitter man. A friend of mine, and I now have to use the term loosely, told me I wouldn't want to scare her. I then proceeded to spend the next few days creeping her out, scaring her, and then ultimately telling her she was going to die alone and unloved. I do not seek redemption or pity, or absolution, I am merely presenting evidence as to why I am a cunt. I'm also looking for persecution I guess. Someone to agree what a monumental prick I am so I can justify my own self loathing. The fact I've admitted that means I don't want it. See how confused and confusing I am? In case you're wondering I did later apologise. I also didn't tell her such a thing to frighten her. I told her that because she keeps me at a very emotional distance, she keeps a lot of people at one, and you can't do that. I've been there and in some regards I still am. It's a lonely life and I don't want that for her.
On the other hand I have a friend who says most of what I say to her is sweet and very affectionate. She sent me a care package and as I was looking through it, I actually cried. It was so sweet, so amazing, so thoughtful, and no one had ever done anything like that for me before. Fang came close when he sent me a lot of stuff for my birthday but sorry boyo this was way sweeter than that. She even included a picture of her hand she had made by tracing her hand. I held it up and placed my hand on hers, and said it was like we were holding hands. I am now in the process of acquiring items to send to her actually. Even though I already bought her a few presents just because, I wanted to emulate the kindness and emotionality that she put into everything.
How can someone be so cruel and kind at the same time? So cold and angry but moved to tears by the kindness of a friend? Really it's no wonder I hate myself so much when you know just who and what I am. I know though that all of this is a part of who I am. All of these things, they're all me, and it's up to me what I do with them. I shouldn't be scaring my friends, and I should be focusing on the more positive aspects of myself. They really do exist. I am kind, caring, patient, considerate (usually), the counselor you never asked for but are glad you have. I have one shoulder to lean and cry on, and another to help carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I am everything. Yet I am nothing.
I am simply me.