Monday, 8 July 2013

The Joys Of Me

Despite being angry, bitter, full of hate for the world and it's inhabitants, a drug dealer away from a drug problem and being one step away from being an alcoholic (once I get over how much I don't like the taste of alcohol I can begin that long, dark journey to drowning my sorrows), even I must admit there are some positive aspects to me. Let us explore a few.

Did anyone else burst out laughing at the concept of me not being full of self loathing? As if that could happen.

It's a strange thing to ponder with yourself just which side of you is fake. Which of the two sides of you that you show people, is the real you. If it stands to reason that you're who you are when you're on your own, then I am not a good man. I am, as previously mentioned, a cold and bitter man. A friend of mine, and I now have to use the term loosely, told me I wouldn't want to scare her. I then proceeded to spend the next few days creeping her out, scaring her, and then ultimately telling her she was going to die alone and unloved. I do not seek redemption or pity, or absolution, I am merely presenting evidence as to why I am a cunt. I'm also looking for persecution I guess. Someone to agree what a monumental prick I am so I can justify my own self loathing. The fact I've admitted that means I don't want it. See how confused and confusing I am? In case you're wondering I did later apologise. I also didn't tell her such a thing to frighten her. I told her that because she keeps me at a very emotional distance, she keeps a lot of people at one, and you can't do that. I've been there and in some regards I still am. It's a lonely life and I don't want that for her.

On the other hand I have a friend who says most of what I say to her is sweet and very affectionate. She sent me a care package and as I was looking through it, I actually cried. It was so sweet, so amazing, so thoughtful, and no one had ever done anything like that for me before. Fang came close when he sent me a lot of stuff for my birthday but sorry boyo this was way sweeter than that. She even included a picture of her hand she had made by tracing her hand. I held it up and placed my hand on hers, and said it was like we were holding hands. I am now in the process of acquiring items to send to her actually. Even though I already bought her a few presents just because, I wanted to emulate the kindness and emotionality that she put into everything.

How can someone be so cruel and kind at the same time? So cold and angry but moved to tears by the kindness of a friend? Really it's no wonder I hate myself so much when you know just who and what I am. I know though that all of this is a part of who I am. All of these things, they're all me, and it's up to me what I do with them. I shouldn't be scaring my friends, and I should be focusing on the more positive aspects of myself. They really do exist. I am kind, caring, patient, considerate (usually), the counselor you never asked for but are glad you have. I have one shoulder to lean and cry on, and another to help carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I am everything. Yet I am nothing.

I am simply me.

16 comments:

  1. Well I have differently with everyone.It depends on what relation you share with a particular person.A person has various phases or say sides of its own.So none of them is actually fake.Its just depends on how close are you with someone and you behave accordingly :)

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  2. You recognise these sides of your personality and that cant be a bad thing. I think we are all capable of good and bad, it is how we act towards others that matters.

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  3. That care package story is awesome Mark, really pleased that so many friends see the good side of you because to me you're all good buddy, I've never seen a bad side to you ever and I genuinely mean that mate. Funny I was just thinking how bad my life would be if I had a drug dealer and then instantly read your post seconds after and it mentioned a similar thing, spooky stuff.

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  4. Truly I'm a pretty cold person who is very selfish about her time. People who want my time, get in the way of my doing the things that interest me and they annoy me. I won't have a mobile and I don't speak to people by email because I can't be burdened by the need to be close to another person. That doesn't mean I can't be nice to people, I can be. There's the me who can tolerate being "on camera" for a short time, and then there's the real me who just wants to be left alone. But I don't hate myself, I accept myself.

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  5. woot. you exist. smiles...

    that is pretty cool on the care package man...and that bit with the hand made me smile and tear up a bit myself...

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  6. I always try to show people the real me. For example, I just laugh when people portray themselves on Facebook as being adventurous and thoughtful and exciting. I'm a writer. I'm kind of boring. Sure, I write comedy, and sure, I could probably make you laugh your ass off over a beer, but I'm not some wacky party clown that's "on" 24/7. And I don't try to portray myself as that, either.

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  7. The ultimate devil and angel on opposite shoulders, I could never put my emotions and feelings in print.

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  8. I'm not sure if I'd like me if I was someone else, but I DO know one thing.
    What the hell was Mrs. Penwasser thinking when she married me?
    Woman has terrible taste in men.

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  9. Oh. You're kind of scaring me now. I am a huge wuss though so that doesn't count for much. One day when you are famous and they give you the center square on "Hollywood Squares" just remember where you came from, and remember us who supported you in the early days.

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  10. Most days, self loathing feels like the only thing i'm good at

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  11. I think we all do that, have various selves that we show other people and hide from some. But they're all us, they aren't fakes, combined together they form who we are.

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  12. I think we all have different shades of ourself that come to the forefront more easily depending on who we're around. It's part of the adaptation of our personality rather than being ungenuine, in my opinion.

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  13. So many people see so many different sides of me, there are times I forget who I am and it is as if I show the real me people will not like me so I am to everyong what I think they want me to be............now do you believe that or am I pullin your leg.............

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  14. TRUTH.
    Holding myself together in public is difficult enough but I've realized you never know how you look like to the other person...you might think you're doing a great job impressing them when you're actually coming across as a condescending jerk but just when you feel you've effed up,you have someone say that you're one of the sweetest things around.
    Perspective games.Never end.

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  15. They're both you, I think--the You that gets shown to other people, and the You when you're on your own. Everyone can be a asshole, just like everyone can be incredibly sweet. People are too complicated to be just one or the other, so I'd say you're perfect the way you are. You are Mark, and that is fabulous.

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  16. Yeah maybe its the people you are around/interact with who influence who you are and how you behave.
    Sometimes you need to be careful who you're with and who you devote your time to. Certain people will bring out the worst in you.
    I love the fact that you use the term 'friend' very loosely with her. What an asshole :p

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