Friday, 1 February 2013

So, What's Wrong With You?

During my recent therapy session (wow, how many posts have I gotten out of this now?) before I started opening up Joanne simply asked me what it was I wanted to bring up with her. There's a difference between therapy and counselling and she told me to basically compile a list, so we can tackle these problems or, if necessary, ship me off to counselling. This, ladies and gentleman, is that list.

PS Chances are there's more than this wrong with me, but writing just this took a lot out of me mentally, even though I find writing my problems much easier than saying them.


I’ve used and manipulated people for my own gains, for things I want. I was emotionally confused at the time, and I didn’t really realise I was lying, but it doesn’t really take away the fact I did it. Now that I’m less emotionally confused and more aware of what I’m doing, I don’t trust my own words. I know what to say to people, and how to say it. I can be a very good manipulator, convincing even myself that I’m feeling what I am, or thinking what I am. I don’t trust myself, and so I can’t expect other people to either.

My sexuality. I identify as a bisexual, and have found men attractive, but haven’t had a boyfriend. I’ve never really had much in the way of emotional feelings for people, even though I’ve convinced myself a lot that I am. Convinced a few other people too. That’s one of the things I’ve managed to convince other people of. I’ve been seeking emotional love for quite some time now, and sometimes the thought that I will never feel it scares me at times and depresses me. Lately though even my physical desires have been going down. All of my so called emotional desires have been fuelled by physical ones and now I don’t really feel much for people physically and am beginning to wonder if I’m actually asexual and can’t love. I think even though that thought can depress me the main thing that depresses me is the confusion. If I just had answers, I’d probably be happy. I’ve broken hearts and hurt people with my fake love, and that’s something I can’t really forgive myself for either.

My lack of drive and motivation. There are things I know I want to do, such as writing and psychiatry. But yet I still spend my days not doing much. I find myself wanting to do something, but not actually doing it. If I wanted to write, and I wanted to have it be what I do so I can lower my worries and fears, then why am I not doing it? If I hate having to look for a job and sign on then why don’t I edit my short stories and get them published? Why don’t I write a lot more than I do? If I’m so scared of getting a job then why am I not doing this? If I published those stories, I might not make much, sure, but I’ll make enough to sit comfortably for a few months while I write something else. Am I just not enjoying what I write? I wrote a five thousand word story in one few hours sitting, but I have trouble writing a 1000 word update a week? Maybe I am just not enjoying the story. Maybe I should write more fun things to keep myself going. To have fun with writing again. I do enjoy Immortal Space, and I want to tell the story. Maybe I’m just burnt out with it. It’s becoming a source of stress for me too.

Stress is of course a major, major issue for me. It seems pretty much everything brings me stress and I don’t handle it well. I don’t even know how I’ve managed to deal with writing a post every day for as long as I have. I even stopped keeping track of the food I eat because it was getting too stressful for me. I’m not over eating though or anything. If I think something might give me some stress then I won’t do it, unless I really have to. Then I find myself hating that I have to do something, and I feel anger towards the people who I feel are responsible for putting me in this situation. I find myself becoming more angry and distant.

All of this really just helps fuel my anger and disappointment towards myself. That fuels my beliefs that other people can’t like or trust me either because I don’t.

12 comments:

  1. well it take s a lot to lay it all out thre like that...because you are trusting us when you do...and that is good..thanks for your transparency with this...as to the writing you may be right...there are times i get into a story and i have to walk away from it for a bit and write other things to freshen my mind..

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  2. I personally think the lack of motivation comes from depression. When I trick my self into being happy, I am much more productive than when I am down in the dumps.

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  3. Someone told me not to long ago that in order to help me heal, I needed to stop putting on such a front of happiness for everyone and she was right. I was pretending to be happy for my family so they wouldn't feel sad that I was hurting and in turn that was stopping me from feeling my own pain and slowing down my own process of healing. Once I told my family I wasn't feeling well and allowed myself to feel down for a few days, I actually felt better and bounced back mentally.

    I also find when I can make a list of things I am grateful for each day that helps too.

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    Replies
    1. Elsie knows I do this too. The pretending to be happy thing. My entire blog is a representation of that.

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  4. You are always brutally honest and I do think much of your problems do stem from depression and anxiety. Your ability to connect emotionally is probably much more complex. As you know, I keep an emotional distance from people. Arms length, no closer. I cannot change that and I have learned that I do not want to change that. Some of that is due to childhood experiences and some of that is genetic. I'm from Cork and we just don't get close to people outside of our small unit. I cannot overcome this trait. I hope you can.

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  5. Wow Mark. I can not even begin to tell you how I understand what you mean. I am so utterly impressed with your honestly - I find myself hiding behind past events and not being able to move past them. And the having the want to do things but not the will...I got chills. If you figure out the secret (which I really hope you do) pass it along, because I know I could sure use the help!

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  6. By the way...totally unrelated, but I know how absent I have been lately, and this is way more than 20% cooler!!

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  7. I do the happiness bullshit as well but I am angry and full of rage but usually only in bursts!

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  8. That's brave of you to put all of this out there! I'm right there with you in the lack of drive and motivation to get some writing done. Though, the only time I'm truly in the writing mood is during circumstances where I'm not able to (work, right before bed, when I'm out of the house).

    I've seen a documentary on an asexual person who's married. He was capable of love, but basically just let his wife "fulfill her needs" by other means. She would check with him to make sure it was alright to sleep with certain people. He did have sex, but it was only once every couple of months (I suppose he just took viagra). Though, you're stress could be a factor in your recent dive in you physical desires. But, I'm not exactly one to speak on this subject as I don't have even the slightest background in psychology.

    But stress is the big issue because it can take a toll on your health. I wish you the best and hope that you can conquer these ailments with some help.

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  9. The only thing that I will agree with whole heartedly with is the lack of motivation, that's probably one of your biggest problems man. I know that for sure because I've suffered from it all my life and it's all my own fault. I still refuse to fully wake myself up and commit to actually working towards my future and being motivated and that's my biggest stumbling block. Remember not be too hard on yourself in this thing though man, I don't view you as manipulative or anything bad like that for sure.

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  10. The lack of motivation could be due to a mental illness like depression which I know you've had and may currently still have.

    The only way to get over lack of motivation is force yourself to do it. That's how I get over it, I literally sit and start working against my better judgment.

    As for stress... My way of dealing with stress is working at whatever is causing the stress... I don't think that works for everyone though, sorry.

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  11. Lack of depression..hhhhmmm...well...what to say...it depends on yourself only.
    You should thing positive because what you think gets reflected.You will think positive then you will be able to do some work happily...otherwise no use!
    Just be happy...distract yourself from whatever thing that disturbs you..and give your best :)

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