PS Chances are there's more than this wrong with me, but writing just this took a lot out of me mentally, even though I find writing my problems much easier than saying them.
I’ve used and manipulated people for my own gains, for things I want. I was emotionally confused at the time, and I didn’t really realise I was lying, but it doesn’t really take away the fact I did it. Now that I’m less emotionally confused and more aware of what I’m doing, I don’t trust my own words. I know what to say to people, and how to say it. I can be a very good manipulator, convincing even myself that I’m feeling what I am, or thinking what I am. I don’t trust myself, and so I can’t expect other people to either.
My sexuality. I identify as a bisexual, and have found men attractive, but haven’t had a boyfriend. I’ve never really had much in the way of emotional feelings for people, even though I’ve convinced myself a lot that I am. Convinced a few other people too. That’s one of the things I’ve managed to convince other people of. I’ve been seeking emotional love for quite some time now, and sometimes the thought that I will never feel it scares me at times and depresses me. Lately though even my physical desires have been going down. All of my so called emotional desires have been fuelled by physical ones and now I don’t really feel much for people physically and am beginning to wonder if I’m actually asexual and can’t love. I think even though that thought can depress me the main thing that depresses me is the confusion. If I just had answers, I’d probably be happy. I’ve broken hearts and hurt people with my fake love, and that’s something I can’t really forgive myself for either.
My lack of drive and motivation. There are things I know I want to do, such as writing and psychiatry. But yet I still spend my days not doing much. I find myself wanting to do something, but not actually doing it. If I wanted to write, and I wanted to have it be what I do so I can lower my worries and fears, then why am I not doing it? If I hate having to look for a job and sign on then why don’t I edit my short stories and get them published? Why don’t I write a lot more than I do? If I’m so scared of getting a job then why am I not doing this? If I published those stories, I might not make much, sure, but I’ll make enough to sit comfortably for a few months while I write something else. Am I just not enjoying what I write? I wrote a five thousand word story in one few hours sitting, but I have trouble writing a 1000 word update a week? Maybe I am just not enjoying the story. Maybe I should write more fun things to keep myself going. To have fun with writing again. I do enjoy Immortal Space, and I want to tell the story. Maybe I’m just burnt out with it. It’s becoming a source of stress for me too.
Stress is of course a major, major issue for me. It seems pretty much everything brings me stress and I don’t handle it well. I don’t even know how I’ve managed to deal with writing a post every day for as long as I have. I even stopped keeping track of the food I eat because it was getting too stressful for me. I’m not over eating though or anything. If I think something might give me some stress then I won’t do it, unless I really have to. Then I find myself hating that I have to do something, and I feel anger towards the people who I feel are responsible for putting me in this situation. I find myself becoming more angry and distant.
All of this really just helps fuel my anger and disappointment towards myself. That fuels my beliefs that other people can’t like or trust me either because I don’t.