Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Not Working Nine To Five

So I said there was something that I felt should have had a post of it's own during the last therapy post and that would be this. It's something I've mentioned before and something I'll probably end up writing about again. It is of course the prospect of working.

As you know I put myself through a lot of stress just by searching for a job, and I'm afraid of how much stress I'm going to be under by actually having a job. I also feel like generally, I'm not ready for a job. I'm not in a good enough place mentally. But also that it doesn't matter how I feel about it. My dad is nearing retirement age and is already semi-retired as he works two days a week. My brother does nothing all day and he can't even pretend to be looking for a job and he's always getting kicked off of his benefits. It's not that I have to work, it's that I NEED too. To be honest it's a situation I've been forced in to, and I absolutely hate it. I hate that basically my choice in the matter has been stripped from me. That I can't take time to myself to heal and recover. I almost wish I could be like my brother and do nothing with my day and not have a care in the world. But, sadly, I have morals and a feeling of responsibility. I actually care. I'm going to put myself in a situation I don't want to be in for the betterment of others and for the benefit of people who don't even know what I put myself through.

Sometimes I wish I could stop caring, but then I guess I wouldn't be me anymore would I? It's in my nature to solve my problems, and the problems of others.

Joanne asked me the very simple question of "When you're old and wrinkly, what do you want to look back, and think? What do you want to have done?" and the answer actually came to pretty easily. I want to leave an impression on people. I want to know I've made someone's life better and helped keep them going. I've already done this too a few times, having saved a few people from suicide and helping pull them out of a depression and move on with their lives.

She told me to consider volunteering in the mental health and care sector if I can. It's something I've kind of considered but what I fare best at is listening to people and offering advice. You can't really do that without a qualification. Seeing how I volunteer with a children's charity though maybe it is something I can talk to my boss about, to do something in the non-retail section of the charity.

That's just an idea that came to me while I was writing by the way, not something I brought up with her.

For now though what you have to take from this post is that I hate the situation I've been forced in to, but I accept that if I really want to have writing be what I do, then I need to actually write. I can't keep putting it off and not doing anything.

So, either I put up, or I shut up. I hate talking about my problems when I'm doing nothing about them, so it really is one or the other.

As a slight addendum I did talk to my boss the last time I was at work and he confirmed what I already knew. There are no projects in the local area, so I'm going to have to wait. I'll also be subjected to a criminal record check and intense interviews as I would be working with children. I have no criminal record, and I'm not likely to actually hurt a kid, but I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of being scrutinized like that. So, yep, if that's something I want to do, then there's plenty of waiting.

Sometimes I think it would be better for me to sign off of benefits without having a job and increase the pressure there is to write.


  1. The idea seems great. Major props if you do decide to go through with it.

  2. Can you put writing in your schedule everyday? Twenty minutes a day maybe, then an hour a day? Or do you do that already and just need to write even more? I know, I'm asking a lot of questions.

    I wanted to become a counselor too. If I could go back in time, I'd love to change my degree from computers to counseling. Do it now, Mark, do it now!!

  3. A writer's income isn't steady, so you'll end up needing a different way to support yourself in the beginning.
    But eh, being forced to work definitely isn't a good way to get into it. Hang in there pal!

  4. I second what both Elsie and Fang said,writing as a profession isn't the easiest or the most lucrative...and doing work you actually like and could help you earn too is great...and it definitely sounds worth the wait.And don't stress yourself too much,over-thinking something is just as bad as not thinking before doing it.
    Either way it's your choice and all the very best with whatever you choose!:)

  5. I think that you're going to be fine if you end up having to work in all honesty Mark, I was never feeling like I was ready for work but all of a sudden I was chucked into it, I have a job and while I have lots of issues with it it's nowhere near as bad as I originally thought it would be and at times I'm enjoying it. It feels so rewarding as well. That's annoying to read about your brother though, reminds me so much of my own brother unfortunately.

  6. The worst times of life are often when you're young, waiting for life to happen in a way you think it should. And with the way the world is today I can't admonish you by saying "If you try hard enough you can make it happen" That's a lie that I won't tell my children.

    Focus instead on the progress you've made in the last year. Since I've been following you, you have changed a great deal and all for the better. You're an excellent writer and it's normal to have "dead spots" so don't sweat it.

  7. I feel like volunteering will be a good experience (after the initial interview part). I've done some volunteer work myself and have enjoyed every minute of it. You're not burdened by thoughts of getting fired or underperforming. Also, it's a great way to meet people who also like to help others and who may have similar interests as you.

    I think it'd be awesome if you were able to get a volunteer position.

    My advice for working, though. If you're being forced to get a job, get a job where you're up and moving a lot. I work in a cubicle and (not to sound like a psycho) but it's a lot of time spent in my own head which makes it harder not to think of it as a crap job.

  8. Volunteering would probably good, even if it's not long term. If you found a volunteer job that's not too stressful to get into and that you liked, then at at least when you go out to try and get an actual job, you've got the volunteering as a good reference on your resume.

    What about something nature related? There's a bunch of places around here that I've offered to volunteer at, where they do like nature walk type things for kids and need people to help them wander round the woods pointing out different plants and birds and things. Something like that could be fun.

    Good luck!

  9. While I don't like the fact that you've been placed in such a position as needing/having to find a job, you shouldn't feel too much pressure in your search. I think the volunteering is a great idea, and I wish you luck!

  10. Well, even though it could be difficult to get a job helping children, I think it's great that you figured out that it may be something you want to do. It's good to have goals to work toward.

    I think it's really commendable that you're out searching for a job. Honestly, it means you care, and in this world, sometimes that quality is hard to come by. You're doing great Mark!


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