So I said there was something that I felt should have had a post of it's own during the last therapy post and that would be this. It's something I've mentioned before and something I'll probably end up writing about again. It is of course the prospect of working.
As you know I put myself through a lot of stress just by searching for a job, and I'm afraid of how much stress I'm going to be under by actually having a job. I also feel like generally, I'm not ready for a job. I'm not in a good enough place mentally. But also that it doesn't matter how I feel about it. My dad is nearing retirement age and is already semi-retired as he works two days a week. My brother does nothing all day and he can't even pretend to be looking for a job and he's always getting kicked off of his benefits. It's not that I have to work, it's that I NEED too. To be honest it's a situation I've been forced in to, and I absolutely hate it. I hate that basically my choice in the matter has been stripped from me. That I can't take time to myself to heal and recover. I almost wish I could be like my brother and do nothing with my day and not have a care in the world. But, sadly, I have morals and a feeling of responsibility. I actually care. I'm going to put myself in a situation I don't want to be in for the betterment of others and for the benefit of people who don't even know what I put myself through.
Sometimes I wish I could stop caring, but then I guess I wouldn't be me anymore would I? It's in my nature to solve my problems, and the problems of others.
Joanne asked me the very simple question of "When you're old and wrinkly, what do you want to look back, and think? What do you want to have done?" and the answer actually came to pretty easily. I want to leave an impression on people. I want to know I've made someone's life better and helped keep them going. I've already done this too a few times, having saved a few people from suicide and helping pull them out of a depression and move on with their lives.
She told me to consider volunteering in the mental health and care sector if I can. It's something I've kind of considered but what I fare best at is listening to people and offering advice. You can't really do that without a qualification. Seeing how I volunteer with a children's charity though maybe it is something I can talk to my boss about, to do something in the non-retail section of the charity.
That's just an idea that came to me while I was writing by the way, not something I brought up with her.
For now though what you have to take from this post is that I hate the situation I've been forced in to, but I accept that if I really want to have writing be what I do, then I need to actually write. I can't keep putting it off and not doing anything.
So, either I put up, or I shut up. I hate talking about my problems when I'm doing nothing about them, so it really is one or the other.
As a slight addendum I did talk to my boss the last time I was at work and he confirmed what I already knew. There are no projects in the local area, so I'm going to have to wait. I'll also be subjected to a criminal record check and intense interviews as I would be working with children. I have no criminal record, and I'm not likely to actually hurt a kid, but I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of being scrutinized like that. So, yep, if that's something I want to do, then there's plenty of waiting.
Sometimes I think it would be better for me to sign off of benefits without having a job and increase the pressure there is to write.