So I said I wrote this yesterday and even though it is in fact out of date, and this train of thought has long since passed, I decided I would still let it run. I just ask that you don't worry about me too much because, like I said, I'm over it. It lasted ever so briefly. The statements are still true, but the emotion behind them, and the thought patterns caused by them, are no longer there.
I'm not going to lie or try to pretend, I'm writing this on Friday, not too long after writing my therapy post actually. There's a good chance that most of this is out of date by now. I guess if you're reading this then I forgot to take it down or this is still accurate. Well now that that's done let's get on with the show.
As you know I spent most of last week thoroughly depressed. So much so even Suzy was worried about me. After talking to Jessica about why I'm so depressed, I had one of them there breakthrough moments. The reason I'm able to make these changes, like writing and walking, and even going to therapy, but still be depressed is because I'm not doing it for me. I still don't really care about me. I don't want a job for myself. I don't care about having money. I want to give the money to my dad, I don't want to let him down. The things I do for therapy I do mostly for Suzy. I'm doing them because she wants me to, on some level because I want to impress her. I want to be all "look at me, I'm awesome." but when the lights go down, and it's just me, I know the harsh reality and that is that I'm not awesome, I'm a broken mess of a man. I'm in denial about my condition and I don't care for myself. I don't care that I'm probably not mentally fit to handle work. I don't care that going to work could push me over the edge and probably ultimately destroy my psyche. What matters is that if I can stick it out I might be able to do something useful for someone. I might have some kind of purpose. Someone might give two shits about me.
It doesn't matter if other people think that I can't handle something. I'll lie through my teeth to them and push myself to the limit to do it. It almost sounds like a good thing but it isn't. Until I start caring about myself I'll never be happy and by pushing myself and trying to do things I can't handle all I'll do is just depress myself and damage myself more. I'll just be undoing everything Suzy is trying to do. I'll just end up more broken and bitter. But I also can't allow myself to just wallow. I've had more than enough time to take to myself and try and fix myself and it's just not fucking working.
I have to end this here. I started crying and my thoughts went places I swore they'd never go.