Tuesday, 4 December 2012

So THAT'S What's Wrong With Me

So I said I wrote this yesterday and even though it is in fact out of date, and this train of thought has long since passed, I decided I would still let it run. I just ask that you don't worry about me too much because, like I said, I'm over it. It lasted ever so briefly. The statements are still true, but the emotion behind them, and the thought patterns caused by them, are no longer there.
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I'm not going to lie or try to pretend, I'm writing this on Friday, not too long after writing my therapy post actually. There's a good chance that most of this is out of date by now. I guess if you're reading this then I forgot to take it down or this is still accurate. Well now that that's done let's get on with the show.

As you know I spent most of last week thoroughly depressed. So much so even Suzy was worried about me. After talking to Jessica about why I'm so depressed, I had one of them there breakthrough moments. The reason I'm able to make these changes, like writing and walking, and even going to therapy, but still be depressed is because I'm not doing it for me. I still don't really care about me. I don't want a job for myself. I don't care about having money. I want to give the money to my dad, I don't want to let him down. The things I do for therapy I do mostly for Suzy. I'm doing them because she wants me to, on some level because I want to impress her. I want to be all "look at me, I'm awesome." but when the lights go down, and it's just me, I know the harsh reality and that is that I'm not awesome, I'm a broken mess of a man. I'm in denial about my condition and I don't care for myself. I don't care that I'm probably not mentally fit to handle work. I don't care that going to work could push me over the edge and probably ultimately destroy my psyche. What matters is that if I can stick it out I might be able to do something useful for someone. I might have some kind of purpose. Someone might give two shits about me.

It doesn't matter if other people think that I can't handle something. I'll lie through my teeth to them and push myself to the limit to do it. It almost sounds like a good thing but it isn't. Until I start caring about myself I'll never be happy and by pushing myself and trying to do things I can't handle all I'll do is just depress myself and damage myself more. I'll just be undoing everything Suzy is trying to do. I'll just end up more broken and bitter. But I also can't allow myself to just wallow. I've had more than enough time to take to myself and try and fix myself and it's just not fucking working.

I have to end this here. I started crying and my thoughts went places I swore they'd never go.

10 comments:

  1. I hope that you were feeling better now....I know that feeling you are having and it's awful. Hang in there Mark..and listen to Suzy...she is they to help!

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  2. Your therapy seems to be accomplishing what it is intended to. It brought you to a place where you saw something important about yourself, you felt it, you owned it and then you moved past it.

    Keep on keeping on Mark.

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  3. It's all for nothing if you're not doing things for yourself. It does no good to lie to others or even lie to yourself. The best thing you could do to get on the right path is to be honest.

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  4. You're way too good to end up broken Mark...and to repeat a cliché,the first step is acceptance!

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  5. I could fill multiple paragraphs here, but just go and read back the stuff I already told you regarding this instead.
    Some fresh advice though, you may want to have Suzy read this, or at least tell her about it and the realizations and whatnot. Seems like this is your main problem, so the focus should be there, I'd say?

    (Also I don't give a shit whether you tell us not to worry about you. I do, so deal with it.)

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  6. Oh mark :/ Be selfish sometimes, take care of yourself. Do things for yourself NOT others. I always say if you live your life always trying to make others happy, you'll end up miserable. It isn't easy but honestly, you can do this. Like Anne said, your therapy sessions is accomplishing what it intended to. *cyber hug*

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  7. This reminded me of the self examination I had to do as part of my step work in Blue Print for Progress. It was part of picking myself apart, looking at the pieces of myself that were difficult to face and sometimes feeling like complete shit and examining why I felt that way about myself and then putting that piece back and not feeling so bad again after I looked at it real hard and long. I'm not sure if you ever heard of the band Tool but I listened to a lot Tool during that time and Stone Sour's Bother line about "flaws"...we all have them. It's working through them that makes us better people in the end. And you thought you were the Rambling Person - ha - I beat ya!! I rambled for days!

    Glad you're feeling a bit better now, Mark. You're one of the good ones!!

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  8. Mark it really hurts me to hear that you were crying while writing this, I think it was important that you did this self examination but at the same time I hope that you don't let it affect you for too long. You're a good guy at the core buddy, you're not a lazy person, you're not a mean person or an incapable person, you're just a person who's struggling a little but I honestly believe you'll fight your way out man, we're all here to support you regardless!

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  9. I can relate a little. When you've no certain purpose pulling you then it does seems that you are breaking apart. I really hope you feel better! We are actually just scared of being a disappointment. Everyone is, you are not alone.

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  10. Sometimes during the tough times you just got to do your best to tread and struggle to keep your head above water until a wave finally comes and pushes you in the right direction; then the wind will be at your back.

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