I did indeed have a much more productive therapy session today. It was supposed to be a double session in which we went out again but in the end she chose not to do that because she felt that staying in and doing a lot of discussing would be more therapeutic and better for me. I did bring up what happened on Friday where I was writing and exploring everything and ended up feeling how I did. I was surprised by how much I was talking and opening up about things. She was happy I even bought myself a few things a few days ago.
A major talking point was how I felt like I wasn't doing it for me, and I was in exactly the same place as I was when I started therapy and in a way, where I was when I initially wanted it four months ago. She says that this isn't entirely the case though because if I wasn't in it for me, I wouldn't be going there every week, and I wouldn't have signed up in the first place, I wouldn't have gone to the first session. I don't totally agree with that, but I can see her point. If I was totally in it for me, I'd still be taking walks, I'd be able to come up with my own agendas for what I want to get done in the session. I don't think turning up is proof that I want to get it done for myself. She decided to use this against me though and set some goals saying herself it was because if I would do it for her, then she knows she can tell me to do it, and that what matters is that it's done. This particular goal is one of the toughest yet. She wants me to write the agenda myself for next session, and she wants me to challenge myself more. How I do this is up to me, how I write the agenda is up to me. She wants me to have more responsibility because for now it's okay I do it for people other than myself, but when I have more responsibility I'll be doing it more for myself. Thing is I know a couple of things I would like to come up, but they're more things for counseling, not CBT. I forgot to mention that one to her so boo me.
One thing she really wants me to do though is accept compliments, and see what's so special about me. She even called me lovely. You'll have noticed it yourself. If someone says to me that I really go out of my way for my friends, or if I put a lot of effort into the blog and reading, and just anything about me (those are all things people have said about me) I'll be all "Nah, it's nothing." but I have to accept that it is something. It's pretty cool that I post every day, and comment on every post I read. I can say things like that outside, I can be all "look at me, I'm totally fucking awesome", but I don't believe it inside. So that's something else I have to do too. I have to bring the outside, inside. Rather than work inside out, she wants me to work outside in.
Anyway, I've chatted enough, there was another thing but I can make it a whole other post this has lasted wayyyyy too long.
PS The good news is I have two weeks to do all this, she's off next Friday so I won't get to see her again until Friday the 21st of December. There's less than three weeks until Christmas. Bloody hell.