Friday, 7 December 2012

Much More Productive

I did indeed have a much more productive therapy session today. It was supposed to be a double session in which we went out again but in the end she chose not to do that because she felt that staying in and doing a lot of discussing would be more therapeutic and better for me. I did bring up what happened on Friday where I was writing and exploring everything and ended up feeling how I did. I was surprised by how much I was talking and opening up about things. She was happy I even bought myself a few things a few days ago.

A major talking point was how I felt like I wasn't doing it for me, and I was in exactly the same place as I was when I started therapy and in a way, where I was when I initially wanted it four months ago. She says that this isn't entirely the case though because if I wasn't in it for me, I wouldn't be going there every week, and I wouldn't have signed up in the first place, I wouldn't have gone to the first session. I don't totally agree with that, but I can see her point. If I was totally in it for me, I'd still be taking walks, I'd be able to come up with my own agendas for what I want to get done in the session. I don't think turning up is proof that I want to get it done for myself. She decided to use this against me though and set some goals saying herself it was because if I would do it for her, then she knows she can tell me to do it, and that what matters is that it's done. This particular goal is one of the toughest yet. She wants me to write the agenda myself for next session, and she wants me to challenge myself more. How I do this is up to me, how I write the agenda is up to me. She wants me to have more responsibility because for now it's okay I do it for people other than myself, but when I have more responsibility I'll be doing it more for myself. Thing is I know a couple of things I would like to come up, but they're more things for counseling, not CBT. I forgot to mention that one to her so boo me.

One thing she really wants me to do though is accept compliments, and see what's so special about me. She even called me lovely. You'll have noticed it yourself. If someone says to me that I really go out of my way for my friends, or if I put a lot of effort into the blog and reading, and just anything about me (those are all things people have said about me) I'll be all "Nah, it's nothing." but I have to accept that it is something. It's pretty cool that I post every day, and comment on every post I read. I can say things like that outside, I can be all "look at me, I'm totally fucking awesome", but I don't believe it inside. So that's something else I have to do too. I have to bring the outside, inside. Rather than work inside out, she wants me to work outside in.

Anyway, I've chatted enough, there was another thing but I can make it a whole other post this has lasted wayyyyy too long.

PS The good news is I have two weeks to do all this, she's off next Friday so I won't get to see her again until Friday the 21st of December. There's less than three weeks until Christmas. Bloody hell.

13 comments:

  1. You're a good person Mark, accept it my friend.

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  2. It's pretty amazing that you blog every single day. That shows some real dedication. I really can't think of anyone else who does that.

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  3. I think I can relate to that...working outside in. I think that describes me a bit. On the outside I'm a good guy but inside is turmoil. I know I'm a good guy on the inside too but I'm not at peace with myself.

    And Angry is right, you seem like a genuinely good person to me so you might as well get used to it!

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  4. It seems like you've got a difficult road ahead, but should you start truly accepting compliments for what they are, I think you'll begin to see a big change. Plus, it's always good to have someone you can completely open up to, and I think your therapist is just the person. Stay strong, Mark!

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  5. Your therapist is right Mark, you genuinely are a good guy so you really should learn to accept it! I love your dedication to blogging too just like Jimmy does. Best of luck with the next session in a few weeks too man, I have my therapy session in January which shall be interesting, we'll have to compare and contrast with each other haha!

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  6. >Friday December 21st
    >December 21st
    So that's where this is heading.

    Also, insert Courage Wolf macro here, make impossible challenges, complete them.
    Welp, it's continuing to head somewhere, so keep that flow, eh, flowing, and you'll really get places in no time.
    Oh and the accepting compliments thing is also part of the "get your opinions on yourself straight" thing, in case you didn't notice yet. ;D (but shit maybe I wasn't supposed to spoil that hidden plot part yet)

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  7. Well, I enjoy reading your blog.
    It IS something.
    And that's a compliment I wish you'd take.

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  8. That's where you were this morning. I should have remembered that. See you are getting somewhere and if you won't listen to us, maybe you'll listen to her. I like the way she works, she knows what she's doing.

    You are dedicated to your blog and you do a professional job of it as well. On time and consistent. Apply those same principals to a career and you'll do well (I say that as if there are jobs out there when there isn't).

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  9. I know you are a really nice guy...and dedicated to posting every day! I've just done my 300th post and I forgot about it until now...doh!
    Your counsellor seems pretty good, follow her advice and you'll get to where you want to be.

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  10. yeah, u should work outside, the vitamin d from the sun is good for ya :D

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  11. I know from my on experience how hard it can be to accept compliments but it is like anything, it takes practice.
    Learn to stop the "but"
    When someone says something nice, just say thank you
    It can be too easy to say Thank you but.... and turn the positive into a negative.
    I think you are an awesome blogger and commenter and I am pretty sure you are a wonderful person too.

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  12. You better get used to accepting compliments Mark...really accepting from the inside as well as outside because there are many more to come!
    And good etiquette demands it(I know...bleh.)
    But really...it isn't good manners to brush away a compliment.Even I used to do that before just for propriety's sake because in India,or at least in my society that's how people respond(for fear of jinxing it??!) but on the inside they're loving it,just like me!

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  13. There's definitely a self-image midpoint that you need to find and embrace between "I'm no good at anything" and "I'm the master of the fucking universe". Accepting compliments can be harder than earning them, but there's no shame in it. It doesn't make you a conceited douche ;-)

    And dude, you put more effort into blogging than anyone I know. You post every day like clockwork and I have no idea how you find the time to comment on so many posts from so many bloggers but you do it and you put thought into them too. Give yourself some credit for that at least!

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