Tuesday, 11 December 2012


WARNING: This post is LONG. Even by my standards.

This is what I mentioned in the last therapy post, something that really deserved it's own post. Suzy wants me to make a list of goals, short, mid, and long-term goals. We were able to write up three long term goals; to be happier and more comfortable as and with myself, to release a book, and to fix up the house. I couldn't think of any short and mid-term goals though. That's the thing, I don't really have goals. I talked to someone a few days ago who seemed incredibly surprised I don't have a bucket list. I really don't. There's nothing I really want to do, I have no want or need for a bucket list.

Suzy disagrees with me on this but I see a difference between goals and dreams. There are a few things I want to do, sure, I would love to visit Japan, Sweden, Finland, and a few other places. I want to sleep in the Ice Hotel too. These to me are just dreams. I can accept if they never happen because I don't see them happening. Do I want a job? Of course, but I don't know what kind of job I want. I want to be a writer so I can decide my own schedule. I want to keep the freedom I have. Suzy said she knows another therapist who had a patient who wanted to become an author and they actually ended up quite successful (no she didn't tell me who, and I didn't ask). Do I want to be in a relationship and find love? I don't know. I don't even know my own damn sexuality! I'm a romantic person, sure, and I'll help people through their relationships. I even kept a woman sane until she could finally move half way across the world to be with her soulmate, but do I want that for myself? I really don't know. The answer is supposed to be yes. We're supposed to desire love and affection. I think I'm more interested in sex itself than actually having it. I want to be emotionally secure with myself, not with someone else. I don't even really want many more friends. If I lost Jessica I don't think I would ever have a friend as close to me as her again. I don't really feel the need to go out and socialise and be around people.

I want to be a psychiatrist sure, but do I really know it? I wanted to be a programmer at one point. Then I tried it, and realised I was out of my depth. If I really wanted to be a psychiatrist wouldn't I be studying more? Suzy asked me if I'm going to go on to do a BSC in Psych, really go for a proper degree in it, and the answer is I don't know. I wasn't 100% committed to this introductory course, and I'm going to need no doubt about what I want to do to go on to a full course with a stupidly high fee. She says that's to do with how I was studying at home and if I was with other people then it would have gone differently.

Things like being happier with myself, fixing the house up, and publishing a book, they will advance my life and leave me in a much better place. I'm even contemplating telling my dad to buy some paint and I'll paint the house up in my spare time like I painted up my own room. My dad would probably even pay me for it, so I'd be doing both him and myself a favour if I did.

Really there's not a whole lot I desire, at least not for myself. When you think about goals, you think about what you want, and what do I want? What do I, at the bottom of my heart, want? My long term goals. Happiness, security, safety, comfort.

Love? I want to love myself, not have others love me.


  1. I think what she means in short-term goals and mid-term goals are specific things that will be stepping stones to get you to long-term goals.

    So maybe break down painting the house into steps like 1. pick colours, buy supplies. 2. start taping mouldings etc. 3. begin painting on day such and such. Then when you accomplish the painting, you'll find that you've achieved a larger goal-satisfaction with self.

    I could be way off base here, but achieving smaller goals gives you positive reinforcement.

    But don't love yourself for what you do, love yourself for who you are.

    1. I know that's what she meant, and I was going to add a little about that, but I figured the post was long enough as it is. I can think of short term goals such as cleaning up a room or, like you said, painting, but I meant more short and mid term goals that aren't leading to some kind of major goal. Loving myself for who I am is going to be one tough cookie, but it is vital.

  2. Loving yourself is one of the hardest things to do in life. We are, after all, our own worst critics. If anyone gives me a compliment, my first instinct is to brush it off and find a way to negate it. I think it's human nature.

    Setting larger goals, in my humble opinion, is easier than setting shorter, immediate goals. I can say, for instance, I want to be a psychologist (I wanted to be one too) and then everyone said, you would make a great counselor! Then, I did nothing except find excuses: no money, no time. It was those short term goals that came in to play - how do I get that money to make the long term goal viable? Get a part time job? Learn how to schedule my time better? Delegate responsibilities? Doing these kinds of things would have helped me achieve my larger goal.

    In addition, I set small goals now, on a weekly basis. This week, I will work on my step work and my book. If I don't do it, then I won't allow myself blog time until its done. Silly but it works for me to keep me less distracted.

    And you thought your post was long!

    1. I don't think it's human nature. I know some people that can actually accept a compliment and when I tell them they're awesome they're like "You know what? I am totally fucking awesome." It's rare but it happens.

      Setting larger goals is going to be easier because if you ask me, you can just keep putting them off, and you can tell yourself you'll just do it later. That's why, like Anne said, it's better to set short and mid-length goals that go along with the long term ones. Ones that you can't put off. I can tell you though I'm no good with schedules. I don't like making them, and I don't like sticking to them. I get bored easily.

      Setting short weekly goals is a good thing, especially if you stick to them of course. Good luck sticking to yours.

    2. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. That's why you have to have a one year plan, a three year plan, a five year plan and a ten year plan. There is no putting it off. Maybe that's why I get so pissed off when promises are broken in our house. I'm a "say what you mean, mean what you say" person. If you tell me, "I am going to rake the front yard this weekend" then I expect it to be done by Sunday night. If you tell me, "I am going to be done with college by 2016" then that is what I expect, unless something out of the ordinary happens like oh, a hurricane, no, I'm kidding, like a rainstorm or something, then I get it. Or, college isn't possible because of finances, okay. But, otherwise, I guess because once I set my mind to a task, I go for it and I expect the same. My counselor says I have a problem with "high expectations. Gee, you think?

  3. I really don't have anything as impressive as Anne and Elsie's goal plans but yeah,I think sorting stuff in your head is a good way to gain perspective.
    There's tons of things you could do anyway...and the travel plans sound pretty good for long term goals you could work on!
    As for loving yourself,it'll come with time...it starts with believing.And however dumb that sounded,it's true.People don't usually bother giving compliments to people just for the sake of it(unless you're the son of a millionaire or are Johnny Depp or Angelina Jolie or...you get it)
    Damn..this comment is getting so...rambly.
    So basically you deserve every bit of the praise you get and you would be my friend even in real life(as opposed to on a popular blog) which was something I was terrified about when I had self-esteem issues.
    It's better to just accept yourself than go around moping and drive other people crazy like I did(still do!)
    I doubt you're even reading this thing now...it could be a guest-post or something.Cheerio!

    1. I give compliments to other people for the sake of it. I come across as quite flirtatious. Even got in trouble with a few boyfriends over it. But, screw 'em. If you want someone you know you can't send crazy, then feel free to talk to me. Really I don't go crazy easy. I'm also not that popular, but thank you.

  4. "If I really wanted to be a psychiatrist wouldn't I be studying more?"

    I think it's easy to trap yourself with this kind of question. That'd be like asking, "Well, if I really wanted to be a writer wouldn't I be published by now?" It's not necessarily true. We have to actively work to pursue our dreams. They don't just happen. And like Anne said, setting small goals will help a lot more with making any of your big dreams happen than just one big goal. For example, "Writing a full novel" is a VERY daunting goal. "Writing one chapter this week" is a very achievable goal. Let that build TOWARD a that full novel.

    Also, we usually just read and don't comment during offposting days (time conflicts) but I wanted to drop by because of your comment yesterday. A lot of people seemed a bit confused by the contest and thought we meant we wanted people to write a story using our characters. We don't. We just want people to outline how they would plan a homeless party. It doesn't have to be more than a paragraph. It could even be something like this...

    I rent out the local YMCA and have my uncle play the Kazoo. I brought breadsticks that I dug out of the dumpster from the local Italian restaurant, and I bought Slim some $10 cologne I found at the dollar store. It's called Eau De Toilette, and it smells a bit like a toilet. I bet he'll love it.

    That right there is a full entry. Just an FYI for you. No pressure to enter, just wanted to let you know if you were still interested since you had the reservations about writing about other people's characters. Cheers!

  5. I agree with Beer for the Shower in their first two paragraphs. Honestly I love this post and do see a difference between goals and dreams as well, realistically not everything is possible in life like. Great post anyway buddy, I'm glad that therapy is at least enlightening you, it's undeniable that you have learned a lot

  6. To be honest I only skimmed through it just now, may get 'round to reading it fully tomorrow or sometime, but this here part caught my eye.
    "I wanted to be a programmer at one point. Then I tried it, and realised I was out of my depth."
    Dude what. Sure you weren't expecting yourself to do amazingly complicated things right off the bat? It's great fun even if you only achieve the more mediocre stuff (which is pretty much the first month or two, depending on how fast-paced you're learning), so just don't aim too high right from the get-go.
    I'd go so far as to say I'd be willing to mentor you if you're still interested, but then I risk pushing you too hard into programmo-territory without you thinking about it. So yeah, the offer's up, but don't let that take you over the edge (or however that sentence needs to go).

  7. i thought u would like that comic. and as for the jerseys that is the intention. those pics i made were quickly put together within seconds using ms paint, the leet shoop program of pros.. as for my opinion on this current subject do whatever balances ya out, pobody's nerfect.

  8. I would like to stay in the ice hotel, too, as long as it is heated. Just a dream. Hope you meet all of your goals. I think you will, more quickly than you think...especially the writing part.

  9. Well, I think we all got to know you a little better in this post. In a way, maybe it is good you don't have a bucket list, then you can find happiness in whatever happens to come your way in life, and never be disappointed you didn't meet every goal you set.


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