WARNING: This post is LONG. Even by my standards.
This is what I mentioned in the last therapy post, something that really deserved it's own post. Suzy wants me to make a list of goals, short, mid, and long-term goals. We were able to write up three long term goals; to be happier and more comfortable as and with myself, to release a book, and to fix up the house. I couldn't think of any short and mid-term goals though. That's the thing, I don't really have goals. I talked to someone a few days ago who seemed incredibly surprised I don't have a bucket list. I really don't. There's nothing I really want to do, I have no want or need for a bucket list.
Suzy disagrees with me on this but I see a difference between goals and dreams. There are a few things I want to do, sure, I would love to visit Japan, Sweden, Finland, and a few other places. I want to sleep in the Ice Hotel too. These to me are just dreams. I can accept if they never happen because I don't see them happening. Do I want a job? Of course, but I don't know what kind of job I want. I want to be a writer so I can decide my own schedule. I want to keep the freedom I have. Suzy said she knows another therapist who had a patient who wanted to become an author and they actually ended up quite successful (no she didn't tell me who, and I didn't ask). Do I want to be in a relationship and find love? I don't know. I don't even know my own damn sexuality! I'm a romantic person, sure, and I'll help people through their relationships. I even kept a woman sane until she could finally move half way across the world to be with her soulmate, but do I want that for myself? I really don't know. The answer is supposed to be yes. We're supposed to desire love and affection. I think I'm more interested in sex itself than actually having it. I want to be emotionally secure with myself, not with someone else. I don't even really want many more friends. If I lost Jessica I don't think I would ever have a friend as close to me as her again. I don't really feel the need to go out and socialise and be around people.
I want to be a psychiatrist sure, but do I really know it? I wanted to be a programmer at one point. Then I tried it, and realised I was out of my depth. If I really wanted to be a psychiatrist wouldn't I be studying more? Suzy asked me if I'm going to go on to do a BSC in Psych, really go for a proper degree in it, and the answer is I don't know. I wasn't 100% committed to this introductory course, and I'm going to need no doubt about what I want to do to go on to a full course with a stupidly high fee. She says that's to do with how I was studying at home and if I was with other people then it would have gone differently.
Things like being happier with myself, fixing the house up, and publishing a book, they will advance my life and leave me in a much better place. I'm even contemplating telling my dad to buy some paint and I'll paint the house up in my spare time like I painted up my own room. My dad would probably even pay me for it, so I'd be doing both him and myself a favour if I did.
Really there's not a whole lot I desire, at least not for myself. When you think about goals, you think about what you want, and what do I want? What do I, at the bottom of my heart, want? My long term goals. Happiness, security, safety, comfort.
Love? I want to love myself, not have others love me.