No, not the TV show, I'm talking about actual friends. I said in my therapy post that I would just turn the subject of friends in to a post of it's own, and so I shall. That would be this post in case you didn't get the hint.
Let's face it, I'm cute, relaxed, open minded, affectionate, and for the most part I have a pretty cool personality. I don't find it too hard to make friends, I've talked to plenty of people in my time. When I want to be, I can be pretty charismatic; I have the silver tongue of an English gentleman. I think it's evident in my writing when I write a conversation. See I can happily sit here and say that my problem is not making friends, my problem is keeping friends.
Keeping friends requires time, and effort. Sometimes I really do want to be left alone, even if I know it's not really good for me. I've had plenty of bad experiences with people too, which doesn't help. I have a hard time introducing myself to people. I'm very different once you really get to know me. Like how me and Fang joke all the time about being gay. I wouldn't really hit on a guy, ever (I r failed closet homo) but I'm able to sit back and have a laugh with him. It's not just how much bad people have screwed me over though, it's also how much good people have let me down. They also keep leaving me and so I'm left on my own. I know that not every friendship I have can be one like I have with Jessica, even she doesn't know people like us, but I feel like I deserve something. Every time someone has let me down, it's a slap to the face and to the psyche. The main reason I have no social life, and never go out, is that no one has ever invited me. When I started getting close to my boss I got visions of hanging out in his flat with him, and other people from there had done, but nope, apparently I'm not good enough. In fact other than Jessica I've been to one guys house. ONE. It was a god awful fucking nightmare too. It was the first time I had ever been to someone's house, so I had no idea how to behave. It lead to much social destruction and embarrassment. Now I'm afraid to go to the toilet in my own mothers house without asking. Every time I ask her too she tells me off for asking.
Bad people have hurt me, good people have let me down, and I have no idea how to even keep a relationship going. I have trouble starting a relationship, and I think that every friendship I form has a sell by date, and thus there's no point in getting in to it. I can't just sit back and enjoy the good times I get with the people I know.
That, in short, is how I have trouble making and keeping friends.
Yes I'm aware I said I had no trouble making friends but what I meant is that I'm quite likeable, and so if I applied myself I could have friends. When I was playing World Of Warcraft (don't judge me, I was lonely) I had a circle of friends. As one by one they left I felt so hurt and let down that I never built it back up. In the end my friends were the only reason I played that game, and in the end, the lack of them is the reason I stopped.
Sorry about the length of this, I really got on a roll. Oddly enough it only took fifteen minutes to write.