Friday, 30 November 2012

That Went A Little Badly

Well the reason the post is so late is of course because I just got back home from therapy. My session next week is also on a Friday so expect the same next week. If you can't tell from the title of the post it didn't go so well. I was really quiet and clearly depressed. Suzy said it was the lowest she'd ever seen me and told me that if I don't feel better I should go to the my GP for anti-depressants. At least I know now why she hasn't offered me any, for some reason she doesn't have the authority. She seemed genuinely worried about me.

It wasn't all bad though don't get me wrong. She was happy that I was doing my writing and she challenged me to do more and in fact one of my goals for this week is to look back at my short story collection and revisit just one of the stories. I think if I can actually do that then I can do one story a week and revisit them and help get that thing totally finished. She also said I should use my apathy positively. If I really reach a state where I just don't give a fuck about anything then I should just do shit that's tough for me to do, or just to stop caring and do something that makes me happy and I like doing. The only problem with that is that writing is such an emotional thing I can't really write in a state of apathy. Well, the fiction side of things anyway. She's also given me a timetable and wants me to plan out things in advance.

I'm never suicidal but I am pretty depressed. I picked myself up and dusted myself off but I'm still very depressed and it's hard to still get away from it. I walked home from the session so that's still good too. Also in the goals is to go to the library and read something. Because I don't exactly have the money to go and eat out she wants me to do something else out in public and I'd really love to get back into reading so the library it is.

One thing that came up but that we didn't really get in to is my mental capacity to work. But you see I'm so in denial about my problems, and so repressive, that I don't think it matters if I think I can actually work. I'm going to try even though it really could destroy me mentally. I really don't care what happens to me, I really, really, don't.

I'd so don't worry about me because I'm not really suicidal in any way at all but fuck it seems like I'm still pretty mentally self destructive.

Oh well.


  1. Mark, don't feel like this went bad at all just because they said you may need antidepressants. Anti depressants aren't bad, they're not to be feared, they're just to help you and you shouldn't feel weak or bad if you have to delve into there. I'm sorry that your therapist caught you at such a low point although it's for the best she did, they need to know what you're like at the worst. If you want to know anything about anti depressants from a male teenage perspective don't hesitate to dm me on Twitter or something.

  2. So, the only bad thing was that you were more of a downer than she's ever seen you be, and you got pre-prescribed anti-depressants? That's dwarfed out by the other good (or neutral) things, if you ask me. I generally don't often hear good things about those kinds of medicine though. I'd tell you to stray away from 'em, but if it's for the best, then eh.

    Also, even though you say you're not suicidal and we shouldn't worry and stuff, I still do sometimes. I mean, you're not the kind of person to go all drama king, "goodbye cruel world", but still... Stay strong pal!

  3. I agree with YeamiWaffles up there, it is for the best that your therapist has caught you at your lowest point. Hang in there!

  4. I'm sorry to hear of your rough session. Though, the anti-depressants should hopefully help. I don't know if you've taken them before, but my friend has been on a certain form of them for a while because he's bipolar, and they've done wonders for him. He's a lot more sociable and outgoing. Though, I'm not sure if this is entirely the same medication so don't take my word on it at all.

    Also, if you're looking for a good series of books, I've been sucked into the "A Song of Ice and Fire" series (Game of Thrones). It's partially the reason I haven't been bloggin as much, the books are addicting (and ridiculously long). Or, I don't know if you've tried this, you can possibly try some self-help books. I've heard good things about them, and even if they don't help, they're fun reads (or so I've been told). Or, when I'm caught up with GoT, I'm thinking of reading a few text books for the hell of it in order to improve my writing.

    Anyway, I'm probably the last person to listen to involving this sort of advice, but those are just some suggestions. Ah, I thought I'd add my two cents, but I hope you fight through this depression soon enough. Good luck and stay strong, Mark.

  5. right in the feels. whatever u do dont go on those anti-depressent pills! i reckon u go to the peelers instead. might work.

  6. I'm glad to see she's challenging you to push yourself more! I know focusing on work and doing things helps me when I'm feeling down! I hope you start feeling better soon! I'm rooting for you!

  7. This is not good to hear you are feeling so down. Seems like there is something wrong that's keeping you from seeing the positives that are in front of you. Maybe anti-depressants would help. I have been really depressed the past couple of days, but I made a point to get some good rest, and then I felt better after that. Maybe you are pushing yourself too hard to be productive and are a bit worn out.


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