Well the reason the post is so late is of course because I just got back home from therapy. My session next week is also on a Friday so expect the same next week. If you can't tell from the title of the post it didn't go so well. I was really quiet and clearly depressed. Suzy said it was the lowest she'd ever seen me and told me that if I don't feel better I should go to the my GP for anti-depressants. At least I know now why she hasn't offered me any, for some reason she doesn't have the authority. She seemed genuinely worried about me.
It wasn't all bad though don't get me wrong. She was happy that I was doing my writing and she challenged me to do more and in fact one of my goals for this week is to look back at my short story collection and revisit just one of the stories. I think if I can actually do that then I can do one story a week and revisit them and help get that thing totally finished. She also said I should use my apathy positively. If I really reach a state where I just don't give a fuck about anything then I should just do shit that's tough for me to do, or just to stop caring and do something that makes me happy and I like doing. The only problem with that is that writing is such an emotional thing I can't really write in a state of apathy. Well, the fiction side of things anyway. She's also given me a timetable and wants me to plan out things in advance.
I'm never suicidal but I am pretty depressed. I picked myself up and dusted myself off but I'm still very depressed and it's hard to still get away from it. I walked home from the session so that's still good too. Also in the goals is to go to the library and read something. Because I don't exactly have the money to go and eat out she wants me to do something else out in public and I'd really love to get back into reading so the library it is.
One thing that came up but that we didn't really get in to is my mental capacity to work. But you see I'm so in denial about my problems, and so repressive, that I don't think it matters if I think I can actually work. I'm going to try even though it really could destroy me mentally. I really don't care what happens to me, I really, really, don't.
I'd so don't worry about me because I'm not really suicidal in any way at all but fuck it seems like I'm still pretty mentally self destructive.