Tuesday, 20 November 2012

How I Learned To Stop Caring And Love Therapy

Why must every title be a pun?

Anyway, I said that I would get around to writing the story about the girl who helped push me over the edge at work and made me decide enough was enough, and go to therapy. This would be that story.

As most of you know, I am a desperately lonely man. I don't know if I really want to put it like that, but I guess I kinda am. Over time I've come to accept being single though and stop caring so much about the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm even totally comfortable being single now, and don't desire a relationship as much as I once did. All this goes out the window though if one condition is met. I meet someone I like.

I went into work one day and the most wonderful girl I'd met in the past...few months perhaps, was there too. I had a lot of fun that day. We spent a lot of the day working together and because I was so happy I was very productive, and I even bought her dinner. It wasn't much but it was something. I then proceeded to eat on my own, and that's when the reality began to hit me. The reality being that A) she was a pretty girl, and B) she wasn't interested in me. I pushed it out of my head though and I was still able to have a lot of fun with her. I even picked her up at one point for a laugh, and because someone said I couldn't. I then tried to pick someone else up, fell on my butt, and nearly injured both of us. That was a lot more hilarious.

I was very very bipolar for that week. One minute I was really happy because the pretty girl was being nice to me, the next I was upset because the pretty girl wasn't interested in me. I couldn't just push it all away and try and be friends with her. I'm a very obsessive person, and wildly jealous. There was another guy who worked with us, and she spent a lot of time too. Even though this guy was clearly gay, it still upset the hell out of me. I felt used, hurt, and abandoned. Thus that week became the second worst week of my life where I finally began to cry uncontrollably and that is what resulted in me spending 20 minutes crying to myself in a kitchen at work.

Once that happened, I began to accept that I couldn't handle everything on my own, and maybe I did need help. I went to a GP and asked to be referred to a therapist and after waiting four months I finally began my therapy. I chose to have cognitive behavioural therapy, as opposed to counseling, because I felt what I needed was action, and not words, and I have more than enough time to think. I know a lot of my problems, and I can talk to myself to work them out. I'm a smart guy.

I probably left some things out but that's pretty much the basic story.

TL;DR Girl inadvertently made me think she liked me, then the realisation hit, and I couldn't get past it. That final piece of damage shattered my mind, and I ended up in therapy.

24 comments:

  1. At least you knew you needed it, not many people do!

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  2. >I'm even totally comfortable being single now, and don't desire a relationship as much as I once did.
    Boy I sure do hope that right there is future me. That, or a guy with a lovely girlfriend.

    Yeah, pretty much in the same boat as you were then. I've managed to get the pretty girl out of my head now though. (Yes, the breeze girl.) I still see her sometimes, and that's all nice and fun, but it takes some effort to not let my head go all "love the girl you runt".

    In more supportive commentary, good to see you managed to get comfortable with your single situation and everything. Stuff ain't easy.

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    1. Well like I said once I meet someone I like that's all out the window. You could already be me. I just don't go looking for a relationship anymore.

      Well the girls I like usually end up in relationships, on drugs, or gay. All of those things have happened to me. Some girls had more than one happen to them. I think it's for the best I no longer pursue girls. It just seems every time I do, I make their life worse in some way. I wonder what would happen if I dated a man.

      I was single for long enough that now being in a relationship will be a huge change for me. I'll have less time, less money, and I need the physical satisfaction more than I need the emotional satisfaction. So, deep down, I'm cool with how things are. Although my therapist did tell me it was pretty sad when I told her I was fine with being single. She said I was far too young to do that.

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    2. One does not simply not look for a relationship. Well, I'm not actively looking, but boy would it be nice if.

      Who says bad things happened to them because of you? Chances are it's a slurry of various circumstances, and you won't always be part of that. You still blame yourself too easily for stuff, go and bring that up after your therapy runs out of stuff to discuss.
      ...we could find out about that last question? ;3

      She's right, it's pretty bad for people as young as you and I to stop yearning for a good loving, however corny that may sound. It's.. one of the things vital to our survival?

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    3. You can look for a relationship very easily. You can join a dating website or just do what I do, look at every girl you see and think "One day, I'mma marry that girl".

      Well usually good things actually happen to them because of me. I come in to their lives when needed and then I help them move on, and they move on without me...Did you just come on to me?

      Well there's a good chance both of us are going to end up with men, so it's not like we'll be furthering the human race. Eventually you reach a point where you don't need love to be happy. My dad never saw anyone after my mum left him and he's in a pretty good place. I think.

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  3. Oh man, it's like I'm reading my biography here... I was the same as you before, thinking every girl is the special goddess meant to be worshiped or something. That is bad, even if you got with her the minute you realize she's just a normal person you become disappointed and bored with her and she starts blaming her self for your lack of interest (I'm speaking out of experience). Not caring right now isn't a bad thing, in my opinion.

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    1. Yeah that's something I've come to accept as well. It's nice to be a romantic, and to be there for someone, but it's good to remember that you're a pretty great person too. I was the one blaming myself for her lack of interest.

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  4. First things first, love the Dr. Strangelove title reference. You sound just like I was. I know that situation so very well. I saw a therapist at one time but he wasn't much help. All he wanted to do was prescribe meds. I'm glad to hear that you have learned a coping mechanism. Hang in there, she probably close by.

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    1. My therapist is yet to suggest meds, so I think things are going kind of well.

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  5. Haha yeah but looking at every girl like that is kinda perverse, pretty indecent, and results in lots of shattered dreams. Also, eh, I'm not sure about dating sites. Seems kinda meh, even though there's quite a few success stories.

    Then why the "I make their live worse in some way" remark? See what I did there, reMARK? ;D
    I did so in a playful and joking manner. aka a joke, don't get the wrong idea. No hard feelings. ):

    >good chance we're both ending up with men
    What. Don't see myself falling in love with men, sorry. They're just not sexually attractive to me. (Women with dic- *shot*)
    I don't plan on having children anyway. Annoying little fucks.
    And yeah, eventually you reach that, but right now you're forcing it, it didn't come naturally over time. And even if it did, it's supposed to come at an older age I guess? Just live now while you're still young, is what most people tell ya.

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    1. I don't think I'm totally in that mindset. I'm just not as fussed about being in a relationship. I'm happily single, but if someone who was interested in me came along I wouldn't say no. I think the older you get the more you want to be in a relationship because you find yourself not wanting to die alone.

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    2. Oh shit I forgot to click "reply" before typing my comment.
      Anyway, yeah, not being fussed about it is great, but for me it's still something I look forward to.
      But this took too long and the lesson starts in a few minutes ):

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  6. Since you can't control what other people do, or how other people feel in life.. The only thing you do have power over, is making you the best that you can be. If you focus on yourself, maybe the other things will just fall into place eventually.

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    1. I am trying to focus on myself more these days. To improve myself and not using outside sources to do it.

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  7. I'm so glad you explained who "she" is and the story of what lead you into therapy. It really wasn't her so much but the situation itself. She could have been anybody, it was really the feelings that came about after feeling she wasn't interested in you. At least that's what I'm getting from this. Now you're learning how to focus more on improving your already awesome self.

    I've always found my love when I least expected it...when I wasn't looking.

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    1. She could have been anyone yes. I am focusing on improving myself, for myself. I've tried to lose weight and improve myself before, but I was doing it for someone else and when they left, so did my motivation.

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    2. So, this time, the motivation is you and this time it will stick. That is awesome, Mark!

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  8. I've been through this as well Mark and the bit about being happy when she was nice and sad when you realised I wasn't going to get with her. I'm also glad to hear that you're learning that you don't need a relationship right now and hopefully the next time you meet a person you feel for it won't end badly and you guys will be really compatible with each other, best of luck man.

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    1. I hope the same for you, I think you could do with it too. I'm trying to be happy for myself, by myself. I'm not the best at it but I get by.

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  9. I'm glad you're working through your issues in therapy. Relationships are so fickle, but I hope you find what you need one day. I agree with Elsie though, the best relationships appear when you're not looking for one. Just keep improving yourself and someone will notice.

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    1. That's the mentality I have and one day it's going to serve me well and be proven right.

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  10. Glad to hear that you're getting the therapy you need. I hope it helps you!

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    Replies
    1. And I'm glad to see you back and hope you are back.

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