Friday, 30 November 2012

That Went A Little Badly

Well the reason the post is so late is of course because I just got back home from therapy. My session next week is also on a Friday so expect the same next week. If you can't tell from the title of the post it didn't go so well. I was really quiet and clearly depressed. Suzy said it was the lowest she'd ever seen me and told me that if I don't feel better I should go to the my GP for anti-depressants. At least I know now why she hasn't offered me any, for some reason she doesn't have the authority. She seemed genuinely worried about me.

It wasn't all bad though don't get me wrong. She was happy that I was doing my writing and she challenged me to do more and in fact one of my goals for this week is to look back at my short story collection and revisit just one of the stories. I think if I can actually do that then I can do one story a week and revisit them and help get that thing totally finished. She also said I should use my apathy positively. If I really reach a state where I just don't give a fuck about anything then I should just do shit that's tough for me to do, or just to stop caring and do something that makes me happy and I like doing. The only problem with that is that writing is such an emotional thing I can't really write in a state of apathy. Well, the fiction side of things anyway. She's also given me a timetable and wants me to plan out things in advance.

I'm never suicidal but I am pretty depressed. I picked myself up and dusted myself off but I'm still very depressed and it's hard to still get away from it. I walked home from the session so that's still good too. Also in the goals is to go to the library and read something. Because I don't exactly have the money to go and eat out she wants me to do something else out in public and I'd really love to get back into reading so the library it is.

One thing that came up but that we didn't really get in to is my mental capacity to work. But you see I'm so in denial about my problems, and so repressive, that I don't think it matters if I think I can actually work. I'm going to try even though it really could destroy me mentally. I really don't care what happens to me, I really, really, don't.

I'd so don't worry about me because I'm not really suicidal in any way at all but fuck it seems like I'm still pretty mentally self destructive.

Oh well.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Podcasting Once More

Hey guys I finally got a podcast recorded. Despite not being 100% yesterday I had a pretty productive day that involved writing not one, but two Immortal Space updates, and ended with me recording a podcast. Now, it's not very long, and I get a little weird (I always get weird though lets not deny that) but it's something and so I'm happy I got it done. The main topic is the day I had, and what lead up to it. Anyway, enjoy the listen.



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Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Why Do We Blog?

This is something that's been on my mind for the past few days after talking to a friend. So much so I gave up and wrote a post about it. The question might seem simple but really it isn't. What normally goes along with this question is the question of "Do you blog for yourself, or for others?" and while most people will say they blog for themselves, I feel like it is impossible to blog purely for yourself. Everyone blogs in part for others.

The main reason I blog is quite simple; loneliness. By blogging I belong, I am part of a group. I enter into the lives of many individuals and they enter into mine. I praise and am praised. I help and in return I am helped. I listen and offer advice when I can, and when I feel like opening up myself you guys are there for me. I get some validation of my abilities, I discover new things about myself. I meet new people and I get to know them over the course of time.

I've made some really good friends through blogging, and I'd like to think I've been there for the tough times of some people and helped see them through. You guys have helped push me and give me the confidence to do things and I feel validated. I have someone to share my writing with, I have someone to tell me that I'm not half bad at it.

If we were writing purely for ourselves then there wouldn't even be a need to have a blog. You could just keep a journal, or just write anyway. If I didn't have a blog I would probably write more fiction. It's also true though that if I never started a blog I wouldn't have even begun writing. It's hard to deny that getting few comments or views makes me feel bad. I put effort into what I write, I put effort into keeping up with the blogs of other people, and so it feels like a wasted effort if nothing really comes from it. I don't think there's anything wrong with people feeling like they want more for their blog, for themselves.

People come in to this thing for a lot of reasons, and the ones who stay longest are the ones who do it for other people, as well as themselves. When someone reads what you've written, it makes you feel good and makes you want to keep writing. At least, it does if you're as attention and affection starved as me. So remember that there's nothing wrong with blogging for other people, you're being who you are, a blogger. Someone who wants to share something with people.

You can't exactly share something with people if there's no one to take what you have to offer.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

The Other Essay To End All Essays

Well last week I posted the latest essay I did for my psychology course. Which I still feel I majorly fucking failed at. I used the wrong evidence and I was in a rush and what have you. Anyway, when I was done with that I said if people were interested in reading my first essay I'd happily post it. People were interested, I missed my therapy appointment due to ill health (it's been rescheduled for Friday, as I said to Suzy when she called me to check on me, what's the point in going to therapy if you can't talk?), and I don't have anything better to do so here is that essay. It's about memory and recall. Which is kinda funny because I don't remember much of what I put in it.

This essay will look at the question of how the use of mental images, concepts, and schemas to organise our thoughts can help improve our memory. In order to do this what a mental image, concept, and schema are will be looked at, as well as how they help with memory recall.

A mental image is an image formed in the brain when thinking of something. By applying an image to something, we give ourselves an extra cue when we try to recall the information. We can think of, or see, the image associated with the thought, and follow the pattern back to the original thought. Also, forming a picture of something in our head takes effort, and the extra effort involved in doing this helps imprint the image and the information associated with it into the brain. An example of this would be the key word technique (Spoors, et al 2011) which is when a person associates a word with an image. It is particularly useful when learning a new language. A person will think of a word in a foreign language, and then think of words that sound like it in their native language. After doing this they will then form a mental image of the native words. By remembering the mental image of the words they can remember the foreign words easier. Michael Raugh and Richard Atkinson (1975, cited in Spoors et al 2011) would develop the key word technique and then proceed to perform an experiment in which they gave two groups of participants sixty Spanish words. They were told to memorise them and half of them were taught the key word technique. At the end of the experiment they discovered that the people who used the key word technique scored on average eighty eight percent, while the people who did not only scored twenty eight percent. This proves that the key word technique, which employs mental images, does help in mental recall.

Another way in which we can improve our memory is the usage of concepts. A concept is when we associate certain characteristics or properties to a group of objects or events (Spoors, et al 2011) and is used to define things, and place them in to categories. They can be slightly flawed though as some things share similar characteristics, but do not fall in to the same category or concept. This type of confusion is mostly prevalent in children. This is called overgeneralisation (Spoors et al, 2011). An experiment performed by Weston Bousfield (1953, cited in Spoors et al, 2011) looked at how concepts improve memory recall. He asked participants to learn sixty words that could be divided into four categories. Even though they were given a random set of words, they tended to remember them in groups, which proved they had categorised the information. To add to this, they could usually remember more words from a group when they were given a category name. This shows that the information was processed, but they could not remember it without a cue.

Another experiment, performed by George Mandler (1976, cited in Spoors et al, 2011) suggests that by categorising information, we learn it without making any conscious effort to do so. He gave two groups one hundred cards each with each card having a word on it. He told them to organise the words into groups and told half of the participants to memories the words as well as organise them. When tested, both groups remembered roughly the same amount of words, proving that even though they made no effort to memorise them they were able to do it by organising them. This helps prove that by organising information into categories, we can help improve our ability to recall it.

A final way in which we process information is to form a schema. A schema is essentially a mental filing cabinet. We store knowledge gained from past experience in schemas and access them when needed. By storing information like this we provide ourselves with cues and when information is stored cleanly like this, it is organised and therefore easier to recall.

Schemas can help us deal with the world better by allowing us to draw on past experiences to decide how to act in new situations. Although the knowledge we hold in our schemas will be shared with other people who have had similar experiences, our schemas may be different to theirs. If the subject is one that interests us, we will have far more information stored about it than someone who is indifferent, or does not like the subject. This is because our experiences with the subject are different. John Bransford and Marcia Johnson (1972, cited in Spoors et al, 2011) carried out experiments to show how we use schemas to understand and store information, as well as recall it.

One such experiment involved a group of participants being given a complicated passage of text, and being asked to recall it as accurately as possible. Half of the participants were also given a title for the passage, while the other half were just given the passage. Most people would have difficulty even understanding the passage, let alone recalling it accurately, but when given a title to it, everything fell into place. The passage was the process of washing clothes explained in a technical and complicated manner. By being given the passage title Washing Clothes, they were able to better process the information. The title gave the participants a schema and they could store and recall the information more accurately because of it.

In conclusion the experiments performed provide evidence that using mental images, concepts, and schemas can improve memory recall, as well as how information is processed. Mental images provide associations with objects, allowing the use of those objects to help in recall. Concepts group information together making it easier to remember clusters of information by remembering part of the group. Finally, schemas are used to properly process information, helping in later recall.


You can't tell because I hit the enter key a few times but my tutor was right, that thing DID need more paragraphs.

Monday, 26 November 2012

A Weekly Round Up

I'm writing this at 2AM listening to David Hasselhoff songs. Don't judge, they're surprisingly awesome. I also just watched The Godfather. Pretty good movie, and I'm keeping up the theme lately of gangster movies after watching Scarface Saturday and then Godfather on Sunday. I'm also amazed I was able to watch movies that long, they were 2 hours 45 minutes, both of them. Though I watched Godfather with Jessica which did help, she came around last night. It wasn't all fun in the sun because she's having some problems but we did have some fun, especially when we put on the Hasselhoff tunes. Don't hassle The Hoff. Anyway, here's a quick round up for you. I'm supposed to have therapy today but I still haven't been feeling well, hope I don't have to cancel. I can barely talk, let alone walk half a mile to the doctors.

Tuesday was a post about how I finally snapped and went to therapy in the first place. The short story is that I liked a girl and when it became apparent that she didn't like me back, I lost that last little piece of my mind that was holding all the crap in there together.

Wednesday was an amalgamation of things that came about because Jessica came to stop on Tuesday and I didn't have anything prepared so was, basically, once again writing at 2AM with no idea what to say. It was mostly just little updates on my life.

Thursday wasn't a podcast, and I do hope to get one recorded this week. It was also a look into some of the other aspects involved in the podcasts. Such as how my dull, monotonal voice is caused by the stress involved with making a podcast causing me to just shut down emotionally and assume a state that I guess is total apathy. No feelings. Not happy, but not exactly sad.

Friday was about how I managed to have a day of a lot of productiveness including finishing my university essay and getting it sent off which was most helpful because I was two days away from the deadline. It felt good to finally get it finished, especially because I had been putting it off for so long.

Saturday I posted that essay because I didn't have an Immortal Space update and Jimmy Fungus asked me if I could post it. I'm going to be posting my first essay some time this week too. Either tomorrow or Wednesday, depending on if I have my therapy. It was about how being part of a group can influence a person in positive and negative ways.

Sunday I posted two songs from the movies I had been watching on Saturday when I was laid up in bed feeling ill. It was an odd mix of movies to be sure because it was Scarface, as previously mentioned, and A Goofy Movie. I loved that movie as a kid and felt like watching it again, and it was just as great as I remembered, which was pretty cool. I very rarely watch something that is appropriate for both my age and gender, sometimes I occasionally watch something that's one of them, but rarely both.

Welp there you have it, another week down.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Movies Make The Day Go By

As you might be aware I wasn't very well yesterday and so I spent most of the day in bed. Pretty much all of the day except managing to go out for dinner really. While I was in bed I watched some things on my computer, including two movies. I watched A Goofy Movie, and Scarface. It was the first time I'd actually seen Scarface and I have to say it's a pretty damn awesome movie. Even though it was two hours and fourty five minutes long (it was essentially two movies, both his rise to power, and his fall from grace) it kept my attention and I was able to watch it all the way through. That's quite good for me really because I do have a shitty attention span. Anyway, both of those movies had some pretty epic soundtracks, so here's a glimpse in to my day yesterday with a look at the music from the movies I was watching.

Last time I was this ill I actually watched Pirates of The Carribean one, two, and three in a row. Now that was a miracle of my attention span. See, that's how good it is, I just totally changed the subject.

This is the song Stand Out from the Goofy movie. I like to put it on to feel pumped, and I've been listening to it a lot really.

This is the song Push It To The Limit from Scarface, another song to really get you pumped up actually. So you can consider today also a look into music to really get your blood going.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

The Essay To End All Essays

Sadly I did not in fact have two productive days in a row. Well, I kind of did, because I was able to exercise and have a bath, but for the most part I was really not feeling well, and spent far too much time watching a mixture of Star Trek and My Little Pony. I'm aware that's kind of a weird combination of shows to watch but there you have it.

I do however still have a little something for you. Jimmyfungus said he would like to read my psych essay and even though I'm not sure he'll read today, I figured I could post it today. I'm slightly worried however because in order to copy it in the correct format, I first copy it to an online word counter. The word counter spell-checked it for me (only one or two words wrong, go me!) and it also counted the words, obviously, and it informed me that there were 992 words there. I'm well within my limit, I'm given a leeway of ten percent, but I also have to write the word count in the essay, so I don't know how it's going to look if I put in the wrong number of words. Anyway, here is my essay on how being a part of a group can influence a person in positive, as well as negative ways.

Please, be gentle. By the way I realise it's long and some of you might not have the time, or interest, for those of you, consider today a day off. Just tell me I did good work and you can be on your way.
This essay will look at how being part of a group can influence someone in positive ways, as well as negative ways. To do this, exactly how groups influence people will need to be looked at. As well as if those influences are positive or negative.

Human behaviour can be influenced by several things. One such thing that can really influence the behaviour of a person is the company they keep. By being part of a group, especially, they can form a group mentality. A group mentality can be a good thing because the people that are part of a group will feel a sense of belonging. Groups are brought together by several factors. These factors can be minor ones such as the way the individuals dress and what they do in their free time, to larger groups such as religious groups and even nations and race.

On their most basic levels groups can offer friendship, a feeling of belonging, and solidarity with other members of the group. When a person is part of a group they are willing to work with other members of the group for the advancement of the group as a whole. They are able to set aside their own individual desires to help their friends succeed. Experiments conducted by Muzafer Sherif et al. (1961, cited in Spoors et al. 2011) showed that when boys at a summer camp were grouped together they did indeed work together and became quite cohesive, forming secret codes and making good humoured jokes about one another. By being made part of a group they felt connected to the other members of the group, even if they had no previous interaction, they were also willing to be more open to the other members of the group, forming friendships with them more quickly.

Another example of how being part of a group can influence us is displayed in research conducted by Dorinne Kondo (1990, cited in Spoors et al. 2011). Dorinne Kondo is a Japanese American who was born and raised in America, and lived in Japan to see how different the cultures were, and how well she could adjust to life in Japan. She learned how to perform different ceremonies such as the tea ceremony and lived with a Japanese family as their guest and began taking on a daughterly role. Initially it was hard to adjust but as she behaved more and more like a traditional Japanese woman, and felt a sense of acceptance and belonging, she began to feel good about herself, and accepted the praise given to her. She felt accepted which gave her a sense of fulfillment, and the joy of being accepted.

As well as feeling accepted Kondo's experiments also affected her negatively. In Japanese society women are normally subservient and quiet and having been raised in America she was not used to this and she had to adjust to it. As happy as she felt to be accepted, she also felt badly that she was losing her identity as an American woman, and becoming a much more subservient Japanese one. This is but one example of how being part of a group can affect us negatively, as well as positively.

Another example is in the previously cited research about the boys at summer camp. The boys also gained an irrational distrust of the other group with overt hostility including name calling. This 'us and them' mentality is part of every group. As well as creating a sense of acceptance and belonging a distrust forms for people who are not part of the group. This kind of mentality is at the heart of most of the conflict in the world and the reason behind things such as prejudice which leads to racism and things such as homo- and xeno-phobia. Experiments performed by Tajfel et al. (1971, cited in Spoors et al. 2011) known as the 'minimal group experiments' showed that even when individuals were not actually part of a group, and just told that they were, would show in-group favouritism, and out-group hostility. In actuality the people involved were working by themselves at a cubicle and even wihout any contact from anyone else in their 'group' or a conflict of interest, they still showed favouritism towards their group even though it was actually non-existant.

Another, much more brutal, example is the experiments performed by Philip Zimbardo in 1971 (cited in Spoors et al. 2011). Zimbardo and his colleagues simulated a prison environment and assigned one group of people to play the role of the prisoners, and another group to play the role of the guards. Even though the experiment was originally scheduled to last two weeks, it had to be stopped after only six days due to how the people involved acted in their roles. The people playing the guards became increasingly aggressive and abusive towards the people playing the prisoners who themselves became more passive and showed signs of becoming, or being, disturbed emotionally. The experiment was to see how people would behave when given different roles, and to see how far they would take these roles as well as how much differently they would behave because of their role. By being part of the group they were, the people involved acted how they felt they should, even if it went against how they normally would. Because the people had no first hand experience as to how guards and prisoners behave they behaved as they felt that their group would based on other sources including the news and the media such as movies and television programs.

To conclude the experiments referenced provide enough evidence to support that being part of a group make a person feel accepted and welcomed, and to set aside their individual desires, an overall positive thing. However they can also make a person behave in ways they never expected themselves to and to shun and even unconditionally hate the people who are not part of their group, an overall negative thing.

If you're interested in my first essay, which is about memory and recall and much better written, let me know.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Look At Me Being All Productive

Yesterday turned out to be rather a productive day for me. Not so much for my blog, I got comments in the single digits. In fact in the very low end of the single digits. But it's cool, it was Thanksgiving, and today is Black Friday so I'll probably draw the same numbers. Although I hope everyone who celebrated Thanksgiving had a good one, and if you must participate in Black Friday, I hope you got out alive more than I hope you got a good deal. I'd hope for both but to hope for both might dilute the initial hope.

As for being productive, well I finally managed to write my university essay, and not a day too soon. As I noted on Twitter it turns out that the cut off date was actually tomorrow. I thought I still had next week. I really dodged a bullet there and I hope to never cut it that close again. I also managed to do my exercises. Needless to say, I was quite tired by the end of the day.

The only downside is that the only writing I did was the psychology essay. I was also in a rush so I sent in my initial draft, I'm not even sure it's spellchecked properly. I'll live though, I'm pretty fucking epic so it's not like I could do bad. Right? Why it sucks that all I wrote was that essay is that I still haven't written an Immortal Space update this week but I'm hoping to get that done today. I know how things are going to go, it's just a matter of putting pixels to word document.

I am feeling quite good about the essay, even if I am now questioning the quality of it. It's about how being a part of a group can impact us in positive and negative ways. Actually not once did I use the words "peer pressure". I'm a failure as a psychologist huh? I was too busy writing about all the cool stuff to remember the obvious things though. I think that's another thing that turned me off when it came to doing this essay, it was something I already knew a lot about. Let's face it, a lot of people know how being a part of a group can be a good thing, and a bad thing.

Well, either way, there's one productive day down, and here's to having another one. I bloody hope.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Two Weeks And Still Nothing

If I remember right I didn't do a podcast last week. In fact I have to go double check. It seems that yes, I did not. Two weeks isn't really a very good streak to have for something like this. So, what happened this week? Well it's partly that my dad felt that he should stay up as long as me and by the time I had privacy it was about 1 in the morning. I might be up at 1 but that doesn't mean I'm exactly coherent. Let this post, and every other post I write at one in the morning, be taken as proof of that. So that problem can be fixed by just recording these things in advance already. I used to record on Tuesday afternoons. Another thing is, of course, my crippling mental state. To be perfectly honest the reason that I sound so dull and monotonal and, most of all, apathetic, in a podcast is because that's how I cope with stressful situations. If I feel that something has become too much for me, my emotions shut down. It's not that I feel depressed, it's that I feel, well, nothing. When I have the confidence you end up with one of those rare gems where I'm happy and vibrant and right now I can't even make myself do an apathetic one. This is a slightly trickier problem to solve. If I feel, deep down, that I just don't have the confidence, then no amount of encouragement and gentle words are really going to do.

Not to mention today is Thanksgiving anyway. I think I'll be happy if I see any traffic. I do have some non-American readers though, so maybe I'll get something. I can use the holidays as an excuse to be lazy though, even if it's not particularly a holiday I recognise or celebrate.

Speaking of holidays I made a terrible, terrible mistake yesterday. I decided that I would try and wrap the Christmas presents I brought for people this year. I am pleased to report that I ran out of wrapping paper before I ran out of the will to live, and I don't intend to buy any more. On the positive side of Christmas though, I do have almost all the shopping done. The only people I have left to find something for is one of my older sisters, my brother, and my stepdad. I really hate just asking people what they want for Christmas though. I like there to be some surprise involved. Oh well, I'm sure I can find something.

I also really hope to have my university essay done by the end of the day. I'm going to be spending a few hours at my sisters so I'm just going to plug in the headphones, turn on the power metal, and crack me open some books.

If any Americanos do stop by, have a happy Thanksgiving. To you non-Americans, well you can still think of what you're thankful for. It's a good thing to do. Me? I'm thankful the Leprechaun in the corner giving me dirty looks isn't armed.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

I Really Need To Start Writing In Advance

It can feel a bit lazy to really write things in advance but sometimes, such as when Jessica comes over, it would be kind of good to have something written up already. I could have done something before she got here but really, where's the fun in that?

I also finally made a start on my psychology essay. Kind of. I wrote the plan, the introduction, and two sentences. Hey, it's still a start. I'm hoping to really advance on it and have it done by the end of the week. It's due pretty soon so I really have to get it done. It's about how being part of a group can influence people positively and negatively. If I go really into it though then I'll just find myself having to repeat myself on my essay. Then again with Jessica here I'm not too likely to get much sleep, and may have to take a break or something. I really need a lazy day but I feel really bad when I take one. With how badly I've been sleeping lately pretty soon I'm going to have no choice but to take a lazy day. I don't even have a job but I already find myself with not enough time in the day. I am screwed.

We watched a lot of South Park, and watched the movie Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. Pretty good movie but pretty much every Guy Ritchie movie is the same, and the worst thing about them is a lot of people think that all Brits talk in cockney rhyming slang. I'm more "gentleman" than "geezer" personally. I also never really understand the rhyming slang myself too.

On the agenda  for today though is continuing the painful existence that is my life. I'd do something productive but that would require, what do you call it? Effort? I also need to break my deal with my dad already because I have to buy some presents so instead of paying for the shopping I'm just going to give him some money that would be a bit less than the shopping would come to. Most of my money is going towards his presents though. Plus I am giving him some money still, so I guess it's still good.

Anyway, that's all for now I guess.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

How I Learned To Stop Caring And Love Therapy

Why must every title be a pun?

Anyway, I said that I would get around to writing the story about the girl who helped push me over the edge at work and made me decide enough was enough, and go to therapy. This would be that story.

As most of you know, I am a desperately lonely man. I don't know if I really want to put it like that, but I guess I kinda am. Over time I've come to accept being single though and stop caring so much about the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm even totally comfortable being single now, and don't desire a relationship as much as I once did. All this goes out the window though if one condition is met. I meet someone I like.

I went into work one day and the most wonderful girl I'd met in the past...few months perhaps, was there too. I had a lot of fun that day. We spent a lot of the day working together and because I was so happy I was very productive, and I even bought her dinner. It wasn't much but it was something. I then proceeded to eat on my own, and that's when the reality began to hit me. The reality being that A) she was a pretty girl, and B) she wasn't interested in me. I pushed it out of my head though and I was still able to have a lot of fun with her. I even picked her up at one point for a laugh, and because someone said I couldn't. I then tried to pick someone else up, fell on my butt, and nearly injured both of us. That was a lot more hilarious.

I was very very bipolar for that week. One minute I was really happy because the pretty girl was being nice to me, the next I was upset because the pretty girl wasn't interested in me. I couldn't just push it all away and try and be friends with her. I'm a very obsessive person, and wildly jealous. There was another guy who worked with us, and she spent a lot of time too. Even though this guy was clearly gay, it still upset the hell out of me. I felt used, hurt, and abandoned. Thus that week became the second worst week of my life where I finally began to cry uncontrollably and that is what resulted in me spending 20 minutes crying to myself in a kitchen at work.

Once that happened, I began to accept that I couldn't handle everything on my own, and maybe I did need help. I went to a GP and asked to be referred to a therapist and after waiting four months I finally began my therapy. I chose to have cognitive behavioural therapy, as opposed to counseling, because I felt what I needed was action, and not words, and I have more than enough time to think. I know a lot of my problems, and I can talk to myself to work them out. I'm a smart guy.

I probably left some things out but that's pretty much the basic story.

TL;DR Girl inadvertently made me think she liked me, then the realisation hit, and I couldn't get past it. That final piece of damage shattered my mind, and I ended up in therapy.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Happy Yet Sad

I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling right now. See I just watched the last episode of Will and Grace. Yeah I got through that pretty quickly. I finished right though. I cooked a pizza and had some Irish ale. It was a fitting way to end the show. The actual ending of the show was pretty damn good too. So even though I'm sad it ended, I'm happy that it ended well, and that's the most important thing. On a random but slightly related note I have NEVER seen the last episode of Home Improvement. I loved that show, and I watched all of it, except for that final episode. I might have to rewatch that soon. I think for now though I might go back to Star Trek. I stopped watching that when I started watching Will and Grace. I just can't watch two shows at once. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I owe you guys a round up, so let's do it to it.

Tuesday I wrote a post about how people trust me very easily, and open up. And how it was all far beyond my understanding. As I don't trust myself, it makes it hard for me to accept others trust me. It's the same reason I have trouble accepting the love and care of others. Fang said this post kind of did away with my alter-image of some kind of psycho, but I'm not so sure. I think the best psychos, the truly insane ones, are incredibly smart, clever, and can be very easy to trust because they know exactly what they're doing. I'm not saying I'm that good, I'm more than likely not, I'm just saying that being trustable doesn't mean that you're safe.

Wednesday was about how I went back to the shop I used to volunteer at as a customer. I even bought a few things. I didn't go in to the stock room, and didn't really talk to anyone but the important thing is I walked in. Twice. Suzy told me off for getting down on myself for saying I should have gone into the stock room but I didn't mean it like that. I know it's a step by step process and I was accepting that as the next step. When you think that I've been insulted, ignored, locked in, and had several breakdowns in, that room, I don't think it's really hard to imagine why I'm no hurry to go back in there. At least, not on my own.

Thursday there wasn't a podcast, but I did have an excuse. I spent most of last week ill and I couldn't do it. In fact on Sunday I almost fainted. I was in the bath and I felt nauseous so got out and sat in my room until the room stopped spinning. My vision dimmed and I actually couldn't see anything out of my left eye. I've never lost consciousness once in my entire life, and I would like to keep it that way.

Friday I did something and I'm not sure how many times it's been done. I don't think I did it at least. I wrote a post live from two separate locations. I started writing a post in the cafe while I was waiting for my dinner to arrive, and then it turned up so I had to stop and finish it off in the library after I had my dinner. It was about my therapy session by the way. I had therapy on Friday and didn't want you guys to be waiting half a week to find out what happened. We actually went on a walk in town and next time, which is next Monday, she wants us to spend an hour outside together. Some of you were a bit confused about the girl I mentioned who helped push me over the edge, and I think I've mentioned it before but I'll be happy to get another post out of it. I'll see what I can do. To the people who said they're surprised I can write a post on my phone it's actually not much. I can't comment on my phone, because it doesn't display most blogs properly, but post writing is easy. I just write the post as a memo, copy it into an email, and send it to an email address. Writing posts by phone is very easy because you just email something. The email subject becomes the name of the post, and the email body is the post itself.

Saturday was another Immortal Space update. I'm going to be writing three times this week (I hope) so there should be one this week too. Last weeks update had a whole lot of gay undertones, and of course there's going to be a few more this week. Apparently I continued to write very natural dialogue. I guess it helps that I always plan conversations out in my head, while still having them. They never go how I want, but, when I'm the one writing them and deciding how they go, they do. It's fun like that. To answer Bart's question an IS post takes me about five minutes to write yeah because a lot of it is copy and pasting. The update itself can take 30-60 minutes and I write a regular post in about 10-20 minutes. This post took about 30 minutes though.

Sunday was a tidbit about how I was depressed Saturday night but there was some good because in a really odd moment my niece said she likes it when me and her have fun, just the two of us. See she has three sisters at home, and even when she's here there's another niece, so she doesn't really get much alone time with anyone. Other than that I posted two songs by the band Demons and Wizards. While I was depressed I listened to those two songs a few times. They're pretty good to listen to when in a low mood.

And that's that really and boy this post was damned long. If you read it all you can have a cookie.

I baked you a cookie but I eated it. I also found something you can search for on google images and not find porn. Cookies, is there anything they can't do?

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Demons And Wizards

Yesterday something rather odd happened. One of my nieces played some video games with me, and she actually said to me that she likes it when the two of us have fun. I was not expecting that at all, that one of my nieces actually does enjoy spending time with me. She does prefer it when it's just the two of us though, and those moments are sadly rare. I was quite depressed last night though. Why isn't too important. She, the niece, even ruffled my hair when she could tell I was depressed. It was sweet and yet so pathetic at the same time. Being shown pity by a girl about half my age. Anyway, while I was depressed I listened to these songs a few times. They're by the great band Demons and Wizards. Even though they play symphonic power metal most of the time, they also have some beautiful ballads, these two definitely being amongst that number. Misery loves company, and my misery sure loved these sad songs.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Yet More Gay Undertones

Yep, plenty of gay undertones here. Yet I've paired them both up in straight relationships, because fuck it really. It amused me. Like a lot of things. Well I said that I had managed to do some writing this week, so I do definitely have an update for you. I also said that I've challenged myself to write three times this week, and even though one of those times is my university essay, it also means that there should be an update next week too. So for now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy this slightly longer than normal update. I didn't want to split it into two shorter than normal updates.

Trent went downstairs and to the front desk. When he got there he asked if he could see the manager, and the clerk disappeared for a few minutes and returned with a middle aged man with grey streaks in his brown hair, blue eyes and a name badge that read “Basil Smythe”. Trent read the name badge and then shook his hand.
    “Hello there Mr Smythe” Trent said, “I'm afraid I have a little bit of bad news. The bed in my room broke and I was hoping it could be replaced. I'm willing to pay for any damages of course, it was my fault after all.” Basil was smiling when he met Trent but it had vanished when Trent had finished talking.
    “You broke the bed? What happened?”
    “Me and my, uh, friend, got a little carried away. It was an accident and like I said, I'll pay for any damages. What do I owe you?” Basil sighed and turned around to look through the guest book.
    “What room are you staying in Mr...” He asked, trailing at the end.
    “Saxon sir, Trent Saxon. I'm in room 304.”
    “304? That was a single bed then?”
    “That's right, sir.”
    “And how did the bed break again?” Basil asked. Before Trent could answer though he turned around and held up his hand to silence him. “No, it's okay, I don't think I want to know. If it was a single bed then that will be two hundred credits. I'll have someone bring a new bed up within the hour. If that's satisfactory?” Trent fished around in his pockets for his wallet. He found it and pulled out two hundred credits and handed them over to Basil who then put them in his own pocket.
    “That's quite alright, thanks.” Trent said. “Well then I guess I'll be on my way, if we're all done here.” Basil nodded at Trent and went back in to the room behind the desk. Trent nodded at the girl at the desk before heading back upstairs to his room. When he walked in he found Geoff on his bed looking through the documents about Steven.
    “Hey,” he said, when he saw Trent come in. “How'd it go?” Trent closed the door and sat on a chair.
    “It went okay, only two hundred credits out of pocket, but I think the manager thinks we're a couple.” Trent laughed but Geoff didn't.
    “What gave you that idea? What gave HIM that idea?” Geoff asked.
    “I dunno how he got the idea, but he seemed a bit uncomfortable that two men broke a bed when they got carried away.
    “And you didn't say we were fighting, why?”
    “He didn't ask. Said he didn't want to know what we were doing when the bed broke.”
    “Great. That's just...great”
    “You don't think someone like me could get someone like you?”
    “That's not it.”
    “Ohhhh,” Trent said in a moment of realisation. “I see now. You think someone like you couldn't get someone like me, right?” Geoff tightened his grip on the papers but didn't say anything. “It's okay if you think that. I personally think you're a great catch, but if you don't then don't worry about it. I think someone like you could totally get someone like me. I mean, I'd go for you.” For the third time that day a projectile hit Trent on the head. This time it was Geoff's alarm clock.
    “Ass.” Geoff said.
    “Ass? You want my ass? It's wonderful isn't it?” Trent said, standing up and half turning to look at himself. “I can see why you would want it.”
    “No you idiot!” Geoff shouted.
    “So what is it? You don't want people to think you'd go for a man?”
    “Well I don't think I would.”
    “I'm not sure I would either but it sure is fun to mess with people ain't it?”
    “Well you mess with people a lot and you seem rather happy.” Geoff conceded. “So I guess maybe messing with people is the key to happiness. Any more sage advice?” Trent shook his head.
    “'Fraid not but I was hoping when we walk past the front desk you'd be willing to hold my hand in front of the manager, it'll be fun.”
    “I'll think about it, would be pretty fun wouldn't it?” Geoff replied, smirking.
    “Now you're getting it.” Trent said, smiling himself. “Now, tell me what you're doing on my bed. I thought you weren't interested in things like that?”
    “Well seeing how you broke my bed, I'm taking yours until my new bed gets here. They say how long it'll take?”
    “Yeah he said within the hour, so hopefully I won't have to sleep on a couch. So how do you like the look of this Steven guy?” Geoff sat up and set the documents down on the bed.
    “He doesn't look so tough. I reckon we should go for him the day after tomorrow.” Trent's eyes went wide in amazement.
    “You sure you want to go for him that soon? You ready for that?”
    “Only one way to find out eh?” Geoff said, looking himself over.
    “True enough I suppose. So, why not go tomorrow then?”
    “I wanted to spend the day with Lisa before we went. You know, just in case something happens.”
    “You don't need to worry about that, I'll keep you safe. I wouldn't let someone hurt you. Well, someone who isn't me anyway.” Geoff smiled at that.
    “Well you won't have to protect me anyway, and if you're going to say that then I'm going to say I just want to spend the day with her anyway.”
    “You do what you want kid, just stay safe, remember to use protection.” Geoff was about to throw something at Trent when he started laughing instead. Trent looked at him curiously.
    “You're right, it is funny to mess with people.” Geoff said.
    “Told ya.” Trent replied. “So, tell me about this Lisa girl anyway, I don't think you actually told me much about her, and we have some time.” Geoff explained about how he had met Lisa at the bar and how they had started talking. When Trent asked him what they talked about he just said they talked about eachother, hiding what he had said about how Trent had reacted. Geoff went on to say how he worked up the courage to ask her for her number and what she had said to him when she had given it to him.
    “Well it sounds like she likes you kid, so well done. You should ask her if you can spend the day together before you start planning it though.” Trent said. Geoff smiled and lowered his head to hide his embarrassment.
    “I already asked her while you were gone actually. She said yes and we're going to meet up outside the bar tomorrow at ten.”
    “So what are the plans for the day?”
    “I'm not sure. We'll go on a walk and have lunch together but I'm not sure about after that.”
    “Well I'm sure one of you will think of something. You're both teenagers, they're very good at occupying their time with members of the opposite sex.” Geoff buried his head in his hands while Trent started laughing again. Geoff was about to throw a pillow at Trent when they heard a knock on the door. Trent opened it and saw two men with a bed. He showed them in and between the four of them, for Geoff helped, they were able to put down the new bed, and pick up the pieces of the old one for the men to take away. Thankfully it didn't splinter off too much, and it didn't take too long to sort it all out. When they were done both Geoff and Trent were so tired they said their goodnights and went to bed. Geoff was back in his own, new, bed, after arguing that it was always going to be his when Trent suggested they just swap as Geoff had claimed Trent's bed for his own. Trent fell asleep quickly but Geoff had some trouble. He tossed and turned for a few hours, excited for the day ahead, while also nervous about it. He couldn't stop thinking about how well it could all go, and also how bad it could go.

Friday, 16 November 2012

Live From Two Different Locations

I'm writing this live from the cafe I'm going to have dinner in, by myself at that. I'm kinda surprised I'm doing this because my day has gone really badly. I don't think I'll be walking home. I lost my wallet this morning (which did thankfully turn back up) and I was walking up the street to therapy when I realised I left my blue plastic wallet Suzy gave me at home so I had to walk back and get a ride up instead. Which meant I was stuck in traffic and a little late. I also ran into the girl who helped send me over the edge in the waiting room.

So, not a good start to the day.

The therapy itself went pretty well. My goals for this week are to do some cleaning, and do some writing. And my dinner just turned up so I'll have to finish later.

Okay I'm at the library so I'm going to finish up. Writing and cleaning aren't really related to my sociophobic problems but my depression and overall levels of stress and anxiety do keep me from performing basic household tasks and even pleasure tasks so they're still goals I can aspire to in this therapy.

Me and Suzy actually went out for a walk today. I knew that we would eventually do it but I wasn't realising it would be quite so soon and she didn't give me any warning. It went quite well except for one incident where we walked through a gang of youths but I was talking to her so tried to avoid really focusing on what happened. Other than that it was good and I have been trying to focus on the positive. Like getting writing done this week and cleaning up the kitchen. I actually felt worse with Suzy than I would on my own for a few reasons. Mostly it was that I didn't want to feel embarrassed. Like if I couldn't keep up, or if I got worn out. I know I have good stamina so I knew I would be fine, but it still bothered me.

I don't have a session next week, because she's fully booked up, but I do have one the Monday after next. So its ten days away, not seven. Its also going to be a double session. She wants us to go outside again, for a full hour. I don't think I could walk for a full hour so I'm hoping she'll let me buy her a drink. Of tea. She said she likes tea.

Anyway, I have no idea how long this post is because its being written on my phone so if you feel like I left something out, feel free to let me know and I can expand upon it.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Thursday, 15 November 2012

No Podcast But I DO Have An Excuse

I'm a little bit ill and so that's why there was no podcast this week. I woke up on Wednesday feeling like Hell and after having a busy day, I didn't end it feeling too much better. So instead I am going to present you with a few updates on my life because that may have been all I may have spoken about would have been a short update on my life, so yeah, writing one instead.

Today is going to be a stressful day for me because I'm going to go to A4E today, the government scheme that pushed me over the edge last time I was there. I think it's going to take some time to put me on a work placement, or at least I hope so. I'm also hoping by then I'll have a job of my own, so I won't have to do their schemes. I wonder if there's still any bad blood between us too. Everyone needs an arch nemesis really. Mine might as well be a government affiliated organisation.

My brother has himself a new motorbike. He passed his full bike test a few days ago and he got himself a new bike. It's eight times as powerful as his old one, so I really hope he doesn't do anything stupid on it. This also means that he'll probably be home less too as well. Which is both good and bad really. I actually miss the guy when he's gone.

I was able to do a lot of productive stuff this week, before I got ill. I cleaned up a good portion of the kitchen, and I did a fair bit of psych work and even some writing. Right now I've read enough of my textbook to start my second assignment, so when I'm feeling up to it, away I go. The best part of that news though is of course that I actually got some writing done. I was able to push the total word count of Immortal Space to 30k too. It feels like quite a good milestone to reach. Wikipedia defines a novel as having 40k words, and so that's the minimum I want.

I have therapy tomorrow thanks to A4E making me push it back a day. Rather than make you guys wait half a week to see what happened, I'm going to have a late post tomorrow. Rather late even because I'm going to write tomorrow's post after I'm done with therapy and that's not until midday. So, you're going to have a post around 2-3ish, though seeing how that's GMT so I don't know what that really means to you.

I think that's enough writing too. Plus I'm running out of things that have happened to me.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

I'm A Big Brave Girl

So I said that I went to the shop I used to work at and that I would write a post about it. Seeing how I don't have anything better to write about, or anything else actually, this will be that post.

So, the first time I went back it was right after my therapy session. I really had been avoiding the place, and I didn't really realise how apprehensive about the place I was before I decided I was going to go in, and was suddenly hit by a lot of nerves. It was a rather weird flux. On the one hand, I didn't really want anyone in there to talk to me, but on the other I did. I'd have felt terrible if no one really remembered me in there. I was also worried that my boss would be there, and he would tease me about how long it's been. It's not exactly the first leave of absence I've ever taken and he always teased me when I came back. Like I was some kid who ran away from home but he always knew would come back. Well, I did walk in, obviously, and I had a walk around the store. One of the people I did know there was on the till, and she was the only person on the shop floor. A woman was having trouble with a toy (it took batteries but didn't appear to do anything) and even though I was tempted to try and help I left it to the actual employee. When that was sorted, I took the game I bought to the counter and she asked me if I still had my employee discount (I always hated using that thing, I felt like I was cheating the kids out of their charity money) and I said it's best not to. That was all the discussion that really happened between us. Oh, she also told me that she had seen me and my dad eating together. But that was all really. After that I left the store feeling moderately good about how everything went really. I didn't go in to the backroom though, which is going to be another major step really.

The other time I went in was Saturday. My niece needed a copy of the book Of Mice And Men (great book by the way) and so I volunteered to have a look in the charity shop, using it as an excuse to go in again. Again I didn't go in to the back room, and again I didn't really talk to anyone, but I did buy an adorable seal teddy and a Disney keyring I plan to give my sister for Christmas. The keyring that is, the seal is all mine. One thing that was different though was that the assistant manager was there. Now, I did prefer him to his boyfriend at times, and I would say overall he was nicer to me, but I wasn't really close with anyone there. He just said hi to me, and asked me how I was, I said I was doing okay, and it was as simple as that really. Once again, I left feeling kind of good about how things had gone, but knew they could have been a lot better. Still, it was at the cash register and it's not like I could have struck up a full blown conversation with the guy.

Overall it was odd realising just how afraid of the place I was, but I still went in, so I guess that's good. 

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Trust Me, I'm A Doctor

This is something I mentioned in the therapy post from last week, and even tweeted about what feels like a lifetime ago. Then again for me yesterday feels like a lifetime. It's the idea that people trust me easily. Which, really, they do. As much as I tell people to not trust me, they still do it anyway, and I think that other than only once, that trust has been quite well placed. Despite what I say, people can trust me. People have said to me that they feel they can tell me anything. They don't have to, but they can. Well okay one person told me that but after she did I ran a short survey of the people I was talking to at the time and I asked them that, and they agreed. I'm very open minded and don't scoff or laugh at people, no matter what they say, and I've been told some rather unbelievable things.

The reason I'll tell people not to trust me is that I don't trust myself. It's the same reason I can't accept people loving me, or caring about me. If I don't feel those things for myself, then I don't expect others to really. It's like hating someone, but they love you, and you can't understand why when you hate them so much. I realise that makes me sound incredibly self hating but I think I've done a pretty good job of that before, no need to keep doing it.

So, why do they trust me? Well the sit in therapist who suggested the idea after just being around me for half an hour or so said it's because I'm very relateable. I can relate to others really well, and I think they can relate to me. A lot of things have happened to me, and a lot of situations I can say "I know how that feels" and provide an example. But this doesn't explain why they tell me things in the first place. This helps build an already established trust. I think I'm just that non-threatening. I'm a kind and gentle person, so much so it's almost a fault. I'm witty and I'm charming and when I'm in a good mood I can be rather amusing. I'm just someone that, for some reason, people feel they can spill their guts to. I've even had a blogger or two open up to me.

When I say it, I seriously mean it, I'm open, I'm easy to deal with, and I'm understanding. If you have anything bothering you, feel free to shoot me an email. I'm the kind of man your mother warned you about, but parents are often wrong anyway.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Round Up Post Number Infinity Minus One

...I wonder what number infinity minus one is now. At what point do we decide "Okay that's enough, the next number is infinity"? What happens if you add two to infinity minus one? Can you have minus infinity? Okay I should stop now, I really should. Before my brain melts into a delicious pile of goo that seeps into my laptop and destroys the circuitry. Then again if my brain melts I likely die and won't really need a laptop anymore. I bet heaven has free wifi. So does Hell really, but that's only because the network in Heaven is open and so Hell leech off of it. Do your neighbours a favour and take off the password protection on your wifi. Well, anyway, I guess it's time to get on with the round up. Much like the week that preceeded it, last week feels like a lifetime ago.

Tuesday was a post about how I lent all my money (which was a grand total of £130) to Jessica. I wasn't going to mention it, because I did it for her and not recognition, but I was out of ideas and so took the ones I could get. She was in some debt and at first needed 200 (and I would have sold my old laptop to do it) but she said 130 would do, so that's what she got.

Wednesday was about how my confidence is well and truly fucked. I had the want, and the desire, to write, especially to write fiction, but the confidence in my ability to do so wasn't there. It is, in effect, the worst kind of writers block there is. A lack of ideas can be overcome with a prompt, or a lifetime experience, or anything really, but a lack of confidence can only be overcome with time. Or tequila.

Thursday was a podcast mostly about what I did on the Wednesday, which was attending a job interview for a job I then had to turn down due to the distance, and going to a birthday party for my youngest nephew. Also included is the tragic/hilarious tale of how my being neglected was proven as no one listened to me when I said "I'm the neglected one" after it turned out one of my nieces had been complaining she had been neglected. Yay me?

Friday was all about the stuff that went down in therapy. The goals that were set for me to do this week were to go out more again, to talk to people more, and a goal I set myself of going to the shop I used to volunteer at as a customer. I really have been avoiding the place these last few months, and that is a story for another day. It'll happen though, because I did go, twice in fact. But, again, another story for another day. My abandonment issues came up too. The only slight problem I have with therapy is that a lot of my problems require counseling, they require discussion, and this is not that kind of therapy. Still, Jessica knows me better than anyone and is pretty much a fully qualified psychiatrist, so she counts as counseling when I can remember that she does care and is interested in my problems.

Saturday there was no Immortal Space update due to a mixture of a very busy week, and that total lack of confidence. It started out with me saying I was getting tired of making excuses, and then suddenly turned into a post all about homoerotic subtexts and even homoeroticism in general. No idea how that happened.

Sunday was partly about the band Iron Maiden, partly about therapy. See, I have trouble discussing my interests, and my tastes in things like music and games, and books, and well everything that has genres. As such, I decided to dedicate a post to a band I really liked, so I did.

Well there you have it, another week down. I just hope this one doesn't feel as long, and that I'm able to wake up on time. Maybe I need sleeping pills. Or, pills that wake you up. I'd say an alarm clock would do but it really doesn't.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Up The Irons!

So this post is technically related to my therapy. One of the things I really have a problem with is discussing my interests, the books I like, the games I like, and most of all, the music I like. I don't really want people to judge me or have preconceived notions based on my taste in music. While I do love a bit of everything, and can actually name rap artists I like (I really can!) my main staple is of course the rock. The band I find I can always go back to is Iron Maiden. The album of theirs that I think I would say is one of my favourites (they have a lot, I'm allowed several favourites) is A Matter Of Life And Death, and so here are a couple of songs from that album.

PS I'm pretty sure I already made a post about Iron Maiden, that also has the same name as this one. But oh well. Screw it, this is about more than Iron Maiden, this is about me growing as a person.

And being lazy.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

I'm Getting Tired Of Making Excuses

Hey guys, as you might have guessed from the title I don't have an update for you this week, and to me it's getting kind of ridiculous. The reason I decided to post an update a week is so that I could keep on top of it and make sure that I got something written every week, and yet I keep not doing anything with the story. I can say I've had a pretty hectic week, and that would be true, but it's also true that I had plenty of opportunities to write I just didn't take. I can say that I've been having problems writing lately, which is also true because I blogged about it, but that also just feels like another sorry excuse.

I think I managed to update last week, at least I certainly hope so. It was the update full of homoerotic subtext if I remember right. Then again that's also something that happens a lot in my writing. Homoerotic subtexts are best subtexts. Yet I also started romances with the both of them. I'm going to have to work hard if I want to keep that subtext. Then again I introduced the romance so that I could kind of get away from the subtext. I wonder how many times I'm going to be able to say subtext.

Well anyway, I will really try and have something for you next time, but I know if I try to force it it's just going to suck and be terrible. This, much like the relationship between a man and a man who's on the fence about the whole gay thing, can't be forced.

God only knows how this post ended up being about homo-eroticism and the gays. Even if they are two subjects dear to my heart, I guess. Heh, I said homo. I want to call someone a filthy homosapian and see how badly they react, having not realised what I've actually called them.

Try it some time, it's fun.

Friday, 9 November 2012

Therapy Post #30491

I'm not writing this just after the session like I normally do, but hopefully the details won't be too skewed, it's only been a few hours. Before I do go in to it a quick update on my financial situation. It's looking much better than it was before. I was able to work out a deal with my dad where instead of getting all my money, I pay for the shopping every other week. In total I owe my dad £200 now, and the shopping comes to between 40 and 60, so if I pay for it then eventually he'll be paid off, and probably end up with more money than I took from him. I might also keep this up so basically I just pay for the shopping every other week. It feels nice to genuinely contribute.

Okay so on to the therapy. When I got there I found out that another therapist would be sitting in on the session but I didn't really have a problem with that. She offered some things herself so it turned out to be pretty good she was there. During the week leading up to this session Suzy asked me to what she called a "Fear hierarchy" which is basically listing the things that scare me/stress me out, and rating how much they do out of ten. Almost everything was rated above a five, with the highest one being eating in public on my own which got a nine. She was pretty impressed that I was able to take the huge step I did last week of posting a picture and going out every day, and especially that even though pretty much everything in my life scares the crap out of me, I still do them. I don't think that's all so special though, I'm doing what I have to do. It's as simple as that. She made it sound like a person in my situation, feeling everything I feel, would be in bed crying. I do know that I am a very resilient person though.

She also made me realise how much being ignored at my nephew's party when I said I was neglected upset me. I was joking about it, and laughing about it, but yeah I was hurt inside. The other lady who was there told me I don't give myself much credit, and even though other people are very quick to trust me, I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Which is pretty true really. Everyone trusts me very easily. Never been able to work that one out. My abandonment issues came up too and she told me that we had to work through those. I told her the things that happened to me when I was at work, how my boss would let me down all the time, and how the other people there would outright call me lazy to my face, and she could understand how I felt about the place.

When we got to the end of the session, and we were setting the goals for next week, I came up with the goal of going to the shop I volunteered at, but as a customer. Just to go in. I have been avoiding the hell out of the place since I left. I did go in there after the therapy, and I even bought a game. So yay for going in. Though I was looking for a new hat, not a game. I didn't go in to the back area though, and only talked to the cashier, who was someone I know. It didn't go too bad at all really.

The other goals I have for this week are to continue going out, and to start conversations with people, and I've come up with one or two others of my own. The main one being to talk about my interests at least once because something that stresses me out is talking to people about my interests, I don't want people having preconceived notions about me based on my taste in music, or that I play videogames. I also think that my ultimate goal for therapy, what I hope to achieve when all the sessions are done, should possibly be to go back in to volunteering. Assuming I don't have a job by then.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

A Podcast In The Day Of A Life

...I'm kinda proud of that title.

Anyway, I did actually get a podcast sorted out last night. I was tired, dead, but I did it anyway. Shit, doesn't that make me a zombie? Well I got one done, as mentioned. It's partly about the day I had, and ventures a bit into the week I had too. Let me know how the sound is, the sound levels on Audacity went as high as they normally do for input levels, but not the visual of how loud I was being. So, I don't know how it really went. It goes okay when I play it back, but let me know how it goes for you guys.



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Wednesday, 7 November 2012

The Worst Kind Of Writers Block

It was while I was contemplating the wonder of life, the universe, and the magic of cookies, that I thought to myself "So, what's up?". Yes, I converse with myself a lot. I know talking to yourself is the first sign of madness but I have the decency to do it in my head, I figure this negates it. Anyway the question was about my writing. What's stopping me from writing, why do I find myself even unable to write at times. There were several things I wanted to write about, but felt not that I didn't want to (laziness is an excuse) but more that I couldn't write them. I no longer trusted my ability to write. Hell given the lack of podcasts my confidence in my ability to talk has been shot for a few weeks now. Though that's also a slightly different issue for other reasons.

I saw a competition that was basically a scaled down version of NaNoWriMo, where you had to submit a 900 word story, rather than try and write a 50000 word novel. Last year people wanted me to take part in NaNoWriMo (which is becoming annoying to write) and I skipped it over this year too. Not that I didn't have any ideas. I probably could have come up with something and made it last. I know I can write, Hell I'm writing right now, I'm just not feeling it anymore.

All those feels that made me go on that tirade about how I'm a writer, they're not being felt anymore.

This is the worst kind of writers block there is. I could work with having no ideas. I can write whole posts about having no idea what to write. I've done it before and I can do it again. This is worse than that, the idea that I can't write about what I want to write about, that what I write is going to just be no good.

My confidence and ego have taken massive blows lately, especially when it comes to writing, and they were fragile enough as it was.

PS I have an insanely busy day today. Seriously I'm going to be up a few hours earlier than usual and I won't really get to stop moving and rest until the afternoon, possibly evening. I'm sorry if I can't get to blogs today.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

I Wasn't Even Going To Mention This

First of all, why is my comment section utterly dead? Where is everyone?

Second of all, if you're an American then I hope you voted. If you didn't, go put your computer to sleep and then go vote. I can wait. Did you go vote? Good. Let's continue.

Okay so like I said in the title of the post, and like I think I mentioned yesterday, I wasn't really going to post about this but then I realised I didn't have much else to post about really so why not? The thing is I did something super cool and proved that I meant it when I said "You're my best friend, I'd do anything for you" because to make a short story short Jessica was in some financial troubles and I bailed her out. Not literally, she wasn't in court or anything, but I gave her my money. Because of that I'll not get to make any personal, or even impersonal, purchases for a while, but it was worth it to make her happy. I would have sold my old laptop, and I almost did, but we were able to work it out. I just owe my dad a reasonable amount of money but he's a reasonable man, so it's all okay. Like I said I just won't get to buy anything for a while and my Netflix subscription is probably going to be gone and my Podbean one too. Huh. I hope I get to keep the space they've already given me until I can get it going again. That's all I was paying them for, the extra space to store my old episodes. Really seeing how I don't get any advertising money from them (another perk of paying for the service) I don't need to pay them at all because I keep all the original files on my computer.

Well, anyway, the reason I didn't want to mention it is because I didn't really do it for any kind of praise or recognition. In fact what I asked for in return was a meal cooked by her mum. And I was serious. That was all I wanted. I'd feel just as bad asking for my money back as she would taking my money so I let her pay it back, it just means she'll be buying the booze and pizza when we get together a few times. Even then I'll feel really bad about the whole thing. She's my best friend, and I couldn't ask for anything in return from her.

Nothing she could legally provide me with anyway.

I am a decent human being, and I'll bash in the kneecaps of anyone who says I'm not while their children watch and cry. If they don't have children I'll make them adopt, I'm not waiting around for nine months for them to give birth, and then a while longer for the thing to become fully aware. I have far too many people to kneecap.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Busy Week Followed By Busier Ones

I'm going to have a pretty busy week this week but there's going to be more about that at the time. I don't really know what to say about some things, but don't worry they're not bad, it's good, and I don't want you guys to get all excited for what might be nothing. We'll have to see, ne? So I'm afraid rather than just give you a short update/half post, I'm just going to jump in to the good old round up, and I can provide small updates within that. So that's the need for my writing satiated. Needless to say though this last week I proved I am a decent human being. At least, to my friend. More on that another time though. I didn't even want to bring it up really but needs must, and I need a blog post I must have. Okay, okay, round ups.

Tuesday I shared something I was learning on my psychiatry course. It was about how children are secure or insecure based on their relationship with their primary care givers, and if they get that care. When a child is well attended to and taken care of they explore the world much more freely, and become happy and healthy, if not, they become, well, me. They become withdrawn and can and do regard even their parents the same way they would regard a stranger they don't know.

Wednesday was partly about Jessica coming down for the night, and partly about Will and Grace, which we watched copious amounts of. So much so that I'm already near the end of series four. In fact I'm having to force myself to stop watching so I do things like go to bed. Damn fine show.

Thursday was no podcast because I was really stressing out the day before my therapy session. I really should have recorded it earlier in the week. Seeing as my therapy is usually on Thursdays I probably really should start recording it well in advance. I have since cheered up, been depressed, cheered up, been depressed, cheered up, been depressed, and, well, you get the picture.

Friday I wrote about my latest therapy session and some things the therapist has planned for me. Such as immersion therapy. She wants me to go out to the shop every day. So far I've...not done too well. I have gone out every day though, so it's not like I'm being a cheat or anything. I am going out. I also did something incredibly insane. Based on the comment by the aforementioned therapist that I would look good in a hat (she was drawing a stick figure of me and said she really wanted to draw a hat because she thinks a hat would be a good look and she just sees me in a hat) I digged around in my photo collection and found a picture of me in my old hat. I then proceeded to publish it. In the post. Dear God why did I do that? Well on the plus side I got a lot of positive comments and the general consensus seems to be that I do in fact look good in a hat.

Saturday was an Immortal Space update complete with romantic gay undertones. That weren't exactly deliberate but oh well that's what's there. There was also a rather short piece on how I don't understand male bonding rituals at all. When I really thought about it I have no idea how bonding works in general. I don't really bond with people. It's odd that really I don't know much about bonding and yet I can write those deep scenes and I know even less about conversations but I can write a great conversation and have been told that I have good conversational skills. I really have no idea where people get that idea from. If I could make conversation I'd probably have more friends.

Sunday I posted a few songs from the old Disney classic The Lion King. I watched it recently with my cat. She didn't get any ideas. Jessica actually refuses to watch that movie again ever because it upset her that much when she was young. It does seem to be something you only watch once, or you watch it all the time. It's a great movie, with an amazing soundtrack. And if the new Star Wars films are anything like it I'll continue cursing the name of Disney and George Lucas.

So there you have it. Time to begin this week. Wonder how it's going to end.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason, and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot

Sunday, 4 November 2012

The King Of The King Of Beasts

I did something this past week I haven't done in years. In fact it was so long ago I can't remember the last time I did it at all. I watched The Lion King. A really quite depressing, but overall incredible movie. I actually tweeted about watching it with my cat and hoping she didn't get any ideas. Other than using me as Pride Rock I don't think it affected her too much, plus she's been doing that for a while. It allows me to blame her for not waking up. Anyway, like most of the movies of Disney, it had an incredible soundtrack. This was made back when Disney movies were good you see, and they did have good soundtracks. So I'm just going to post a few songs from The Lion King. It's not my favourite Disney soundtrack (that would be Tarzan because of Phil Collins) but it's still a good one.

I don't know if this song was actually in any of the movies but I really love their rendition of it. Timon has a rather beautiful voice.

Saturday, 3 November 2012

I Don't Know A Damn Thing About Male Bonding

It hit me as I was writing Immortal Space last night (that's right, I did do some writing this week, yay!) that really, I don't actually know anything about male bonding. I don't have many male friends, and none that I've really had any of those kinds of bonding rituals with. My best friend, even though I presumed she was a boy, was a girl pretending to be a boy, so I don't think she counts. I just found it kind of funny that I can write all of these bonding moments between Trent and Geoff, and yet have no real idea of how they really work, but it's still something I get praised on. Just seems like madness to me. Anyway, I said that I had written something this week, so I shan't disappoint.

“I met the greatest girl today” Geoff said as he entered the room and saw Trent laid on the bed staring at the ceiling.
“Really? What was she like?” Trent asked, sitting up and crossing his legs.
“Just...wonderful” Geoff said, fidgeting as he tried to find the words. Trent chuckled at him and rested his hands behind his head as he laid back down.
“Wonderful eh? Well, do we have a name for her at least?”
“I do” Geoff replied. “She's called Lisa and she's, well, wonderful.”
“As you previously mentioned kid” Trent said. “Well, you seem happy at least, so I'm glad. Think I'll ever get to meet her?”
“Maybe.” Geoff replied. “I guess anything's possible isn't it?”
“Hey you found a nice girl who likes you, I'd say that's proof that anything is possible.” Trent replied, right before a pillow thrown by Geoff hit him in the face.
“Owwww,” Trent said, rubbing his cheek. “Why oh why do people keep throwing things at me?”
“What do you mean?” Geoff asked him. Trent just pointed at the knives on the bedside table. Geoff picked them up and looked them over.
“Wait, someone threw these at you? Who?” Geoff asked.
“Don't you care about the why?” Trent replied, turning to lay on his side and look at Geoff.
“I can imagine why. Probably the same reason I threw something at you.”
“Which is?”
“Because you're an ass” Geoff replied, throwing another pillow. Trent caught it and threw it back at him.
“I may be an ass but at least I have good reflexes.”
“So who did it then? Why do you still have them even?”
“Lena threw them at me after a few drinks and jokes.”
“At her expense?”
“Of course.”
“Shouldn't you have been looking for information, not women?”
“What about you?” Trent responded. Geoff fidgeted again and threw another pillow, this time connecting with Trent's face. Trent threw it back and then opened up the drawer of the table and pulled out the documents Lena gave him and handed them over to Geoff.
“At least when I get sidetracked by women I still get the job done. Then again you are a little...shall we say, inexperienced.”
“What do you mean by that?” Geoff asked, looking through the files.
“You ever had a girlfriend kid?” Trent asked Geoff. Geoff pulled the files up to hide his face while he kicked at Trent's bed. Trent laughed at him and sat up again. He pulled the files down and laughed even harder when he saw Geoff's embarrassed face.
“Do you need me to give you the “the talk”?” Trent asked, trying his hardest not to laugh. Getting no response from Geoff he cleared his throat and decided to go ahead.
“You see” he said, tapping his cheeks in contemplation. “How to put it? AH! When a man and a woman are in love, and married, the man takes his pe-” Another pillow to the head stopped Trent mid-sentence. Geoff put down the file and dived from his bed on to Trent and started a play fight with him.
“You know this isn't too different to what I was going to explain” Trent said while fending Geoff off. Geoff started laughing and Trent laughed with him. While they were laughing Trent pushed Geoff off the bed.
“Shouldn't have let your guard down kid” Trent said to Geoff, leaning over across the edge of the bed. Geoff tried to swipe at Trent's face but he moved out of the way. Geoff got up and sat back down on his own bed and started looking through the file on Steven again.
“So just when do we go after this guy anyway?” Geoff asked.
“Well you can see how dangerous he is with that. Look over it tonight and tell me how you feel in the morning. We won't go after him until you feel like you're ready to handle it.”
“That's awfully considerate of you.” Geoff said.
“Well I did promise Lena I'd take care of you.”
“Nice to know you care.”
“Well I care about her so, eh, might as well do what she asks.”
“Yes she has one of those too. Doesn't your girl? Or is she too good for one?”
“No, she's too respectable to show me hers. I don't know what I'd think about a girl who shows her ass to every man who walks by.”
“Oh that's it kid, you're going down.” Trent said, standing up. He jumped over to Geoff's bed and landed on him. He also caused the bed to break.
“Hmmm, that wasn't supposed to happen.” Trent said while digging his elbow into Geoff's stomach.
“No it wasn't” Geoff said while shoving Trent off of him. He got up and surveyed the damage. “You know how to fix this?”
“Sure do?” Trent replied with a smile.
“Really? How would you fix it?”
“You go down to the front desk with a big pile of money and you apologise and you lie about how it broke while offering to pay for a new one.” Geoff slapped himself on the forehead and walked over to the door. He opened it and motioned to Trent.
“Well go on then, go fix it.”
“Why do I have to pay for it?”
“You broke it! You break it you buy it!”
“Fine, fine” Trent said, motioning for Geoff to calm down. I'll go pay for it. You stay up here and talk to your little girlfriend or something.”
“She's NOT my girlfriend!”
“You know, that's actually usually the first sign that she is.” Trent said as he walked through the door. Geoff shut the door on him and leaned on it.
“You know, I am actually glad you're quite happy kid” Trent said through the door.
“I know” Geoff replied, speaking up so Trent could hear him. “Me too” he added, softer, when he heard Trent's footsteps as he went down the stairs.

This week I also wrote out all the post before changing the font and the colour, so I didn't have to try and read gray on white again. Another yay for me. 


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