Thursday, 18 October 2012

Sorry Fellows

I'm afraid there will be no podcast today. I was feeling sick yesterday because my I saw my cat throw up and I had to clean it up and seeing and smelling vomit, even cat vomit, makes a person sick. I didn't throw up myself but the sensation never went away. In fact some of you probably feel sick just reading that sentence, so sorry once again.

I also felt a lot more nervous than I usually do. It might be a bit hard to believe but I still feel nervous when it comes to recording podcasts. I seize up right until I just bite the bullet and hit record and start talking. I couldn't even do that last night though. I kept putting it off so much and eventually I realised that it had in fact become too long, and I had left it too late.

I don't even remember realising that I was getting more depressed. I guess it has happened though. I finally got my letter from the doctor setting up my first therapy appointment. I don't know if you've ever told a doctor you're depressed but when you do they give you this questionnaire where you say how much you've been feeling a certain thing over the last two weeks, and how much your daily life is impacted. Most of them are pretty obvious ones like "Feeling like you would be better off dead" and when I found myself filling it in perfectly honestly I looked at it and thought "Fuck, that's a bad score." I had become seemingly happier on the outside, and other than that really bad week a few weeks ago I had probably come across quite happy on here. There, as clear as day though, was the proof that I'm not.

I'm putting off what I need to do. I'm not doing much university work, I've still not opened my book to look through it again. If it wasn't such a part of my routine I'd have probably stopped blogging. You could almost say blogging is part of the rut I've found myself in. I'd go on and on but I'd just be ranting and repeating myself. I feel like shit every time my cat is ill too anyway because it's my fault she has a sensitive stomach and because I'm in charge of feeding her it's my fault if she eats something that makes her sick. She's probably going to be like this her whole life and it's my fault. I fucking suck.

Guess it's a good job I didn't record a podcast. The last thing I need is to cry on one again.

Sometimes I wonder why that confident, charming, charismatic person I can become if necessary isn't my default setting.

To not be totally depressing, because damn I hate that, I do have something that just made me smile. Well, my cat still loves me, obviously, and she's actually taken to sleeping under my covers during the day. She'll burrow under there and sometimes her foot sticks out and it's seriously adorable. Now, if she would sleep on me more again I'd be a lot more comfortable. That's what teddies are for though I guess. I am feeling kind of better because I hate dwelling on stuff but fuck it this can still go up. You deserve to know what happened.

13 comments:

  1. First off, please don't stop blogging. I mean don't even think about it - you're too good on this. You might see that I've followed you now, I'm your #390 in GFC but I've been reading your blog for quite a while just that I wast not dropping a comment though I wanted to.

    I also added your blog in my roll so I won't miss your daily post which I really admire and envy.

    What you're feeling right now also happens to anyone from time to time. And I can totally relate about the cat, I've a cat too that I love dearly. I have a lot more to say but I'll save it next time because this is becoming too long and I want this to be the first comment on this post (lol).

    Smile ok? Here's one from me :)

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  2. You need to fight through it and find those moments that bring you some happiness like your cat my friend!

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  3. Aww dude no.
    The thing with your cat isn't entirely your fault, and even if it is, you're putting in every single effort you have to make it up to her, to make her feel better, and to make sure she doesn't get anything stupid in her stomach. That alone is enough bonus points to cancel out any you lost for that stuff supposedly being your fault.
    Okay it sounds really shitty, but you probably get what I mean.

    I hope the therapy turns out to be helpful, I just want you to get atop of all this shit.

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  4. Whether it be blogging, or podcasts, or videos, err whatever.. I have finally realized that all the stressing about doing it is pointless. For me anyway, things turn out pretty much the same whether I stress a ton about it before hand, or just do it without a lot of preparation. And if you don't stress up and get nervous, it will be more fun. In my case if I don't stress I can do more, but you are doing a lot already, so it is hard to see how you could do more, but at least you would just have fun with it.

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  5. No matter what happens in life your cat is going to love you Mark so don't worry about that buddy. As for the podcast it's not much of a big deal to me at least, I enjoy them but don't beat yourself up, it's important to get a correct and proper hold on life more than anything.

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    Replies
    1. Because I'm an idiot I accidentally posted soon. I also wanted to say how big a surprise it was that you still got nervous over podcasts. They're so awesome and intimate that came as a huge surprise to me.

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    2. To round off a hatrick of posts that could have been condensed into the one I've decided to include you in my Top Three Thursdays this week man. Hope that's okay.

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  6. I'm proud of you, Mark. I'm proud of you for answering those questions and being honest and true to yourself. Do a podcast when you feel it inside for you. Write when you want for you. Do what makes you happy inside. You cat loves you always - they are like my dogs, they are unconditional in their love. Personally, I'm glad you didn't stop blogging, I like knowing you're here.

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  7. :( oh Mark! It actually pains me that you've become depressed again I really hope you feel better soon. I'm super glad you'll start going to a therapist because I think it'll be good to get certain things off your chest. Depression is a fucking bastard, just when you think you're feeling better, BAM it returns. Anyways *hugs*

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  8. remember the happy moments
    sometimes this happens

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  9. Whenever you feel sad and down, remember this:

    http://www.areyouawesome.com/

    Keep on living and enjoy everything that comes your way! :)

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  10. cat sleeping under your covers all day?
    you might be depressing her by proxy

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  11. You're going through some tough times again but you'll come out the other side just fine, just like the other times.

    Chin up, you can get through this, we believe in you.

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