Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Will, Grace, Mark, And Jessica (And Cats)

Jessica was here last night and she got incredibly drunk. She's going through some rough times and it was good to see her having a good time, and she's been an alcoholic before so she knows not to become dependent so I can let it slide. Besides she did have a ton of fun. I got a little drunk myself but as always it never lasted really. We were drinking shots from the whiskey bottle lid and she had a lot more than me, and she also had some lager.

So, other than the crippling drunkenness that saw her asleep by 10 pm (we're normally up until about 1 or 2 in the morning) she brought down season two of Will and Grace. We saw season one together last time she was here and I never got around to seeing season two on my own. It's better than season one in my opinion but overall the show is pretty great.

When I was younger I had mixed feelings on the show because of the character Jack who is essentially a gay stereotype, but when Jessica told me that the actor is gay too, and that a majority of gay men really do live the gay stereotype I decided to give it a chance and yeah, it's pretty damn great. Jack is actually one of my favourite characters now, he's just so funny. He has some really special moments too, especially in season two like when he goes back to a school he hated because he was being bullied, and there was a gay kid being bullied and Jack helped him come to terms with himself and be happy. The episode where he comes out to his mother as being gay is also incredibly beautiful and emotional.

The show may get some criticism for its depiction of gay people, but gay people were part of the show behind the scenes as well as in front of it, and if you actually watch it, you can see how good it was for the gay community. Jessica says it actually helped her come to terms with who she was, and happily accept herself. It's a damn funny show, with some sweet and touching moments too.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Insecure Children

I said last week that with my psychology studying I was able to apply some of it to my own life, and really there is a lot I can make posts on but right now I'm going to make a post on this particular thing. Last time I said how babies are willing to be social with people once their physical needs are met and they grow closer to the people who do take care of those needs. As they grow and develop into toddlers and even older they become secure and insecure. A secure child is happy to explore and see the world because they know in their head that their parents will always come back and rescue them should something go wrong, insecure children are the opposite. They are less secure in their world. Even with their parents.

An experiment was performed where children were placed in a room filled with toys and they were left alone. The children who were secure would walk around the room and play with the toys and then when their parents came in to the room they would run up to them. When a stranger came in to the room they would be wary, but not afraid. Or just not react and continue playing. When the insecure children were left alone in the room they wouldn't play with the toys. They would be nervous and just not do anything and when a stranger, and even their parents, came in to the room, they would back away from them. I don't think I would want my children to regard me the same way they do a stranger.

So, how does this relate to me? Well I think that when I was young I was quite secure. I was a happy and precocious young thing, and even though I played on the computer a lot even at nursery, I don't think I was as reserved. When my parents divorced though and when my sister was born, that all went downhill. My sister was stillborn you see and so my mum doted on her and always gave her attention. I suppose it's good I didn't become an attention seeker, but even from that moment I felt like I was on my own, and I lost faith in my parents. When I was 14 and referred to a psychiatrist, my parents got together and thought I should spend a night a week with my dad, and so I did become more secure with him, and still am, but the damage was still done a long time ago.

Things aren't totally lost for me though. There was also a story in the book about two brothers who were abused as kids and when they were found they were pretty much near death but 20 years later they were both happy and healthy and even in stable relationships because they were adopted by loving parents.

No matter the damage done by neglect and abuse, it can be fixed by love and care.

Monday, 29 October 2012

No Round Up, Instead, Have This

You might have noticed the fancy new banner in what I believe is the top right. As you may have guessed, if you cared to notice, there is some meaning behind it. See, after SOPA failed, after PIPA failed, and after ACTA failed, the MPAA and RIAA decided "Fuck it, we still have a lot of cash left, let's try this again", and now they're trying to do something that is very shitty indeed. As they always do. Their profits would probably go up if they stopped trying to buy laws.

Anyway what they have in their heads this time is to change the law regarded your ability to sell things on. That is, if you buy a CD or a game, or even CLOTHES then they want to make it a law that you can't then sell it on. You don't own what you own is the basic message that they're spreading here.

The way this works is that there is a law that allows people to sell things on after they've bought them. They want this law to be changed in such a way that it prohibits you from selling on something that was made, or contains parts made, in a foreign country. Seeing as how everything is made in China, and things that aren't directly made in China have parts that are probably made elsewhere, this includes virtually everything that you own. What's even worse is they have the support of Obama and they're taking this to the Supreme Court. If the idea of Romney in charge didn't scare the fuck out of me I'd tell you all to not vote for Obama over this and all the other shit he's done.

This really would mean that if you decided that you needed some money, so you wanted to sell some things, you couldn't. On a really sickening level it could even destroy charities because they sell things that people have donated. It essentially prohibits the selling of used goods. eBay is out the window.

You can click on the banner for more information, or just go to Either way, I urge all American readers to sign that, and all non-American readers to let any American friends know that this stuff is happening, and dammit we won't take it lying down. On our comfy beds. Which we bought. With our own money. Meaning we own them. So we can sell them if we want.

Then again, if you want to sell your bed then I think you're falling on pretty desperate times and I feel bad for you :( Everyone needs a bed.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

If I Could Turn Back Time

I don't know how many of you are aware of this, and chances are if you don't live in the UK you won't be, but the clocks went back an hour today. At around 1 in the morning. Does this mean I got an extra hour of sleep? Probably not, but it's supposed to. I'm nor sure if we're going in to, or coming out of, daylight savings time. I'm never sure, but the name seems to suggest that as we're going back, we're entering daylight savings, as we're saving as much daylight as we can by going back. Time is a funny concept I could probably get a post out of but that's not really the point of this. I hate to play favourites but the simple fact of the matter is barely anyone reads on weekends and so I like to take it easy, especially on a Sunday, so I'm probably just going to stop writing here. Or here. Anyway, here's some fun time related songs.

Any excuse to post the beauty that is Darren Hayes.

I don't think I'll ever get over how awesome that cover art is.

So, remember, if there was a time difference, it's probably bigger now.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

*Le Sigh*

As you might have noticed I haven't been too productive this week. Due in part to my really shitty sleeping schedule this week. As a result I haven't been able to do much in the way of writing that wasn't blogs. And by not much, I mean none, at all. I'm beginning to think that I should always write two updates in one so I can fall back if I need to. At least whenever I do miss a week I don't do it during the middle of the action. I want to cry when I'm reading a manga and there's a message that says there won't be an issue next week and it's something I really want the conclusion to.

I guess I can always fall back on my ability to spend forever saying I don't really have anything but I think that's one well I should go to too often or I'll be running everyone off. I'm just glad I was able to get some university work done at least. That was pretty good. I'm hoping to really be able to get some writing done next week. Or maybe even this week. I really need to get back to writing, and even reading. If I read more then I should be able to fix my book. I need to think of it how a friend of mine did. That I'm taking something good, and turning it into a masterpiece.

The white space on the post editor really does taunt me with it's blankness. It is daring me to keep writing and cover it's shame and nakedness.

I'm going to cheat and just add another paragraph to help cover it up. Remember this trick kids.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend folks. As always my nieces are here and have been here since Wednesday which is also going to be something I'm blaming my current mental state on. Plus it's freezing cold here. My window isn't attached properly so a lot of cold air gets in. I'm sat here in two shirts and a jumper and I'm cold. On the plus side my cat's claws aren't going all the way through and pricking my skin again.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Babies Be Cool

I'm up at that magical time of a quarter to two in the morning again. Wheeee. Technically this was written on Friday so whatever. Anyway yesterday (again, technically) I did something I hadn't done in quite some time. I finally opened up my psychology textbook and gave it a good read. I find I'm having some trouble getting through it though because I have to stop reading every five seconds to write what I just read as notes. I'm considering switching to a highlighter pen. The book is mine now and I can do what I want with it. I just shouldn't break it yet or something.

So I'm learning about the relationships people form as they grow older. This of course starts with babies bonding with their parents and family, which is where the title of the post comes from. People hadn't really decided to look at babies from a psychological angle until quite recently, but some of it is pretty awesome. Such as how babies don't form the closest bond with their parents necessarily, but the person they perceive who can give them what they want. Once their physical needs are taken care of (ie feeding and pooping) they're very willing to be social and playful with a variety of hand gestures and by making eye contact. From just a few months old a baby is able to recognise faces and they actually recognise voices from inside the womb. They can tell the difference between a voice, and a general background noise, and can react appropriately.

As they get older that's when they begin to accept that the world around them is seen differently by others and there's a fun test you can do if you have young children and older children. Bear with me on this. So, you have two dolls, a marble, a basket, and a box. One doll takes the marble, and puts it in the basket. They then go away and while they're gone the other doll takes the marble, and puts it in the box. When the doll who puts it in the basket comes back, she wants to play with the marble and so you ask the kids where she would look to find it. If they're under three, they tend to say the box. To them, only their view point exists and matters. After that age though they begin to realise that different people experience the world differently, and they would say that she would look in the basket because she didn't see the marble being put in to the box even if they did.

This is the main reason that toddlers are so egocentric and uncompromising. They really are the centre of their own universe, and they don't know, or accept, that other viewpoints exist, other needs. To them, the only thing that matters is themselves. So, next time your kid gets bratty, remember that they might not be able to help it.

There is more, including how I can actually relate a lot of this stuff to myself, but I've bored you for long enough. Jeez if this isn't a specialist subject then I don't know what is. I guess the future of specialist subject posts could be decided with how well this one goes down. Hopefully it goes down like me when I'm drunk at two in the morning.

Sadly I am not drunk. Plus it's not quite two in the morning.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

A Mixed Bag

I do have a podcast for you this week. It was recorded at five to one in the morning (details contained in the podcast) and just after I had finished playing Mass Effect 3. In the course of the past two weeks I have played and completed all three and it feels like a Hell of a journey.

In the podcast itself is a mixed number of things. I start off with Mass Effect actually and briefly mention there was some controversy with the ending that resulted in an extended ending being released which, for me, was just one short cutscene that added nothing at all to the story. I read it up on Wikipedia and apparently a few other things should have happened. I'm not entirely sure why they didn't. Anyway, this was mostly caused because people felt that the ending lacked closure, and didn't conclude some plot holes. Having played all three in succession I found nothing wrong with the ending, and didn't notice any plot holes. So, if someone can tell me them, I'd be quite happy. If no one can tell me I'll probably get bored and look it up.

After that comes talk of my family and my therapy, followed at last by a nice discussion about kitty cats. Complete with my looking at more things on Wikipedia and awwwwwwing a lot. Specifically over this picture, which I said I would post in the podcast:

And that's that for this week.

Too many different subjects for one podcast? Potentially. Too long a post to introduce a podcast? Most definitely.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Sometimes People Surprise Me

This happened on Monday, and I'm writing on Monday (I know, cheating, but again I'm writing while things are still fresh in my head) but because I knew everyone was more interested in the therapy I would put that first and then write a whole other post for this.

My dad asked me something today that kind of surprised me. He asked me if I would be okay with him taking contract work that meant he wouldn't be in the house as much, and would actually have to stay overnight. I wasn't aware of just how aware he was of my problems, and how much more comfortable I am having him in the house. I won't deny that the prospect of him not being around scares me, but I think this is the best option for everyone right now. Hell it even gives me more responsibility because even though I feed the small tabby cat, my dad takes care of feeding the big ginger one. So without him around I'll have to feed both. It will also help me be a bit more independent. I actually don't like how dependent I am sometimes. I can feed and clean myself don't worry, but I tend to leave the cleaning to him.

The main reason I said he should do it though is actually the money. He said to me that they will pay him in a day what he is currently earning in a week. I can joke saying I want the high life, but even someone like me can tell that things aren't so good for the house. My mum is behind on the rent at her house, and it's not like my dad can afford to pay her rent for her (Which is something that at one time or another he has done for everyone in the family). My dad owns the house we live in, so it's not like he can fall behind on rent, but he could have had some trouble with bills and such.

This also eases some off the pressure on me. Knowing how tough things can be sometimes for my dad it really pressured me in to wanting to get a job even though it was really bad for me mentally, and wanting to get that book out there as quick as I can. If my dad is earning more money then I can relax a little, and take the time I need.

I'm going to miss having my dad around, I really am, and the thought of him being gone is bringing me close to tears, but this is for the best, and he'll still be around a lot. Maybe he can even get me a job there. Who doesn't love nepotism?

I wonder how long it's going to take until I buy a gun for personal protection. Fuck I'd buy some swords if I could afford them. I have a wooden one but nothing says "I'll cut your fucking face off if you don't get out the house" like a metal sword.

I'll be fine guys, really. I just didn't know how much my dad cared. We spend a lot of time together on Wednesdays and he said that if he was going to have to stay out overnight, he wants to work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I didn't realise too how much those times might have meant to him too.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

I Changed The Title, Wonder Which One Shows Up On Reader

I'm kind of cheating by writing this after my therapy session (and my dinner too, but I've basically been home for only an hour) because, well, it's just fresher in my mind then. I had a very rough start to the day. I woke up on time at least (which is still late by everyone's standards) and was out of the house in time. I had to sign on at the job centre before I went to the doctors and so I got there early and hoped to be able to get out early too.

I have never, and would never, try and put my cat on a leash. Poor kitty :( Why do I keep laughing at it though?
I was there for over half an hour and I finally saw someone 10 minutes before my appointment. I explained to the person there I had an appointment at the doctors and so she was super nice and let me get away quickly and thankfully the doctors is just up the road and around the corner. When I got there I found out that I made it at about exactly twelve o'clock, which was when the appointment was. I didn't need to worry too much though because I didn't get in to the therapy session itself for about another ten minutes. I'm not really complaining though. It had been four months, I could wait another ten minutes. Plus I am a huge advocate of the NHS, no matter the waiting lists and amount of time things can take.

Anyway, we're finally at the therapy session. My therapist is absolutely amazing. For a start she's a woman, and I find it much easier to talk to a woman, and also she did ask me some excellent questions. She was able to get things out of me and we talked about a lot of things I wasn't expecting to talk about, such as my sex life. Have you ever discussed masturbation with an older woman? That was kind of surreal. She asked me about things like the reasons I don't talk to my family, and even why I blog. I didn't really think about it much but it's social psychiatry to me too. The main blogs I follow are dealing with their personal lives, and I have actually played psychiatrist to a few of you guys.

There was one thing that never really came up. She asked me about my relationships and I said that I have had two significant ones. She only asked me about my second one, the one I've told you guys about. When I was 17 and had that girlfriend in college. The more important relationship is the first one though. She didn't ask me about it, and I didn't really see a chance to bring it up. It's the story I won't tell you guys. Although I did set up a second blog just to tell that story, so I'll probably do it eventually.

Anyway, she booked me in again for next Thursday, and I'm hoping that it goes just as well. She said that the assessment wasn't totally over, so maybe that first relationship will come up. She wrote about a full pages worth of notes on me. I almost wish I got a chance to read it. I was open with her though, and honest, and I surprised myself with how open I was. I hope I can keep this up.

Oh and a funny side story from the doctors. While I was in the waiting room I saw a box that had free chlamydia tests. Even though I'm not sexually active, and can not have chlamydia, I was tempted to take a test. I don't know a man who can resist peeing on a pregnancy test, I mean, you get two. One might as well go to the man.  I sadly did not in fact take the chlamydia test. So, for all I know, I may in fact have chlamydia. 

Monday, 22 October 2012

Weekly Round Up 16-21 October

Well as you probably know today I'll be going to the doctors to see about some therapy. I'm not sure what's going to happen today really. I went there four months ago and asked for therapy and now I'm being summoned back to the doctor's by the people who run the therapy. So, I actually don't have any idea what's going to go down but I will let you know about it. Assuming they don't put me straight in to the mental home. They won't take me alive either so yeah, there won't be many updates if that happens. Well anyway let's just get on with the round up for now.

Tuesday was about the problems I face when it comes to writing. The two biggest ones were sentence fragments and rushing things. I don't do well with going back after some time and adding to things or taking away. I also sometimes don't do too good when it comes to writing full flowing sentences, especially with action scenes. Oh well.

Wednesday I discussed niche subjects. Specific subjects really, and why I don't really go in to them much. The main reason being that I don't really want to have people feel left out because they don't know, or don't like, the subject at hand. I do think though that when I do things like that, my writing style does mean that I can still include everyone. I can relate things to my life, or to other things, and then it just brings in other people too. So, whether or not I'll do it, remains to be seen.

Thursday there wasn't any podcast. Instead there was the usual for when there's no podcast. Me being depressed. Mostly about the situation involving my sick kitty. I've taken to being even more careful with her. I clean her bowl more now, and she eats more of her food because of it. So I hope she is feeling better.

Friday was a post that's probably already out of date. It was about the kind of therapy I would be getting, and what it's likely to do to me. It sounded pretty bad, and I was getting scared, so I guess we'll see what happens. Fuck it though I've waited too long to not give it my all now.

Saturday was the latest IS update. I need to update the IS page too. Dammit I'm lazy though. I should get in to programming so I can write a program for it to auto update but the amount of effort involved in doing that would actually be more than just updating the page, so it's not really worth it in terms of saving time with updates.

Sunday I made a post about one of my favouritist instruments ever, the piano. I think I have small hands and can't play one. Which kinda sucks really. They're the right size to manipulate a computer keyboard quickly just fine, but not a musical one.

Shit sucks.

Welp that's it for now. Enjoy your day folks, I'll try to get through mine.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

The Piano

I was talking to a friend recently and she has some skill in playing the piano. I don't know about you guys but I find it to be an utterly beautiful instrument. I have always loved the sound of the piano and there even a few songs I'll listen to just for a little bit of a piano part. So, I thought that I would just share some songs that contain that most wondrous of instruments, and sound so much more beautiful for it, the piano.

The first one is one nearly everyone knows. Perhaps one of the most famous piano pieces ever, Moonlight Sonata. Which, for some reason, I always call Midnight Sonata. I don't know why. I should really fix that.

Speaking of sonatas, here's another one, Sonata Arctica. This song technically isn't a piano piece, but I would listen to it time and time again for the wonderful piano in it. Especially at the end.

And lastly, because I don't want to keep you for too long, the song My Immortal by Evanescence. My friend said she would like to know how to play this, and has the sheet music, so I'm not sure what's stopping her really.

God damn I love the piano. It's a shame I could never play it very well. Or at all. Despite being such a musical person, I always sucked when it came to actually playing it.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Glad This Was Already Written

Like the title of this post suggests I'm glad I already wrote this last week. I've not had a good week really, and yesterday I was wrecked. I had a really bad headache, and I was tired as Hell. It's a little shorter than a regular update but what the hell. I'm tired and at this rate I'll probably need a physical examination as well as a mental one when I go to the doctors. 

“So how do you know so much about Steven?” Trent asked Lena. The two of them were walking towards her ship. Lena was choosing to stay in her ship rather than at a hotel.
“Did I not tell you I'm a bounty hunter too? I saw how much he was worth and wanted that money for myself.”
“So what changed?”
“I learned a lot about him, and then I got scared really. He sounds too dangerous for me.”
“But not for me?” Trent asked her. Lena smiled at him.
“Well, you seem more confident in yourself. I'd say it's too dangerous for the boy though.”
“I told ya, I'd keep him safe. Don't worry about him.”
“Yeah yeah yeah” Lena said, picking up the pace. “I wouldn't worry about you anyway.”
“Why not?” Trent asked, catching up to her.
“If I worried about you, it'd mean that I care silly.”
“You don't care about me?” Trent asked, looking hurt.
“Give me a reason.” she said, picking up the pace again. Trent caught up to her again and she set off in a run. She ran down an alleyway and Trent kept up. Dodging around people and jumping over boxes and other obstacles. He kept calling for Lena to wait up and ask her why she was running but she ignored him. Every time he got close to her she would take another quick turn, or try and block his path. He didn't have much trouble keeping up, but it was getting hard to actually catch her. Lena hopped over a low wall but Trent was able to get over it too. She looked back and laughed at him which spurred him on more. She ducked into another street and when Trent went down it after her he saw that she had lead him to the shipyard. She didn't stop running though even when she reached it and Trent almost lost her as she ducked under and around the ships there. She ran past his own Piranha and soon she finally came to a stop next to a large black ship with large white writing on it proclaiming it was called the “Lillehammer”. When Trent caught up with her she was opening the door panel. He was sweating a little but not too out of breath. He could see Lena was sweating a lot more and was more out of breath. She turned around and was grinning at him.
“Nice ship.” Trent commented, looking it over.
“Thanks.” Lena replied. “Nice work keeping up. You chase every girl who runs away from you?”
“Only the ones who confuse me.” Trent replied. “What was that all about?”
“I wanted some fun, and to see if you could keep up.”
“Do I win anything?”
“You get a chance to look at the greatest piece of machinery on this planet.”
“What would that be?” Trent asked with his arms folded.
“You're looking at it.”
“What?” Trent asked, confused. “You some kinda cyborg now? It would explain a lot.”
“Like what?”
“Like how come you're so cold.” Lena threw a sheathed knife at him and the handle hit him on the head.
“Not me you idiot! The ship!” she shouted. Trent grinned and looked the ship over while rubbing where the handle hit him.
“It is a fine machine.” he said. “What's the name about?” he asked when he saw the name.
“That? Lillehammer is where I was born. This ship is my home now, but it's got the name of my old one.”
“I guess you can be sentimental after all.” Trent said.
“Why do you sound so surprised?”
“Well, because I am.” This elicited another cry of “Idiot!” from Lena, and another sheathed knife handle to the head for Trent. She was laughing though.
“Well either way it's about time I went inside. If you don't mind, I think I could do with a shower” Lena said, fanning her sweat soaked clothes.
“Aye aye ma'am. I should consider having one too I guess. I'm not too far away.” Lena nodded and opened the door of her ship and stepped in.
“You can keep the knives” she said, motioning to them on the ground. “Who knows, you might need them.” She turned around and entered the ship before she closed the door. Trent sighed and picked up the knives. He slotted them into his belt and set off for his own ship. On the way he sent a message to Geoff telling him that he was going to stop by the ship for a shower, and then head back to the hotel. He'd explain everything that had happened when he got there. He walked to the Piranha and opened the door. Going in to the crew quarters he had a shower and changed his clothes before heading back to the hotel to meet Geoff. 

For those of you who don't know Lilliehammer is part of Norway. Also I think that contrary to everything I've said about how I like to use short sentences in action scenes, I kind of proved you can have complete sentences in them, and if anything it can help make it all flow better and make sense. Proving that I'm still learning as I write. Sorry to bring up a subject that should have died long ago, it was just a little interesting behind the scenes note I guess you could call it. Also what's fun to note is that I wrote this on Firefox, which doesn't have a copy as plain text function and that means I had to manually change the font to this colour. What does this really mean? That means that this whole paragraph was typed out, in this colour, on a white background. I didn't really think to just change the colour back after I wrote it out until I started writing this.

Friday, 19 October 2012

What Did I Get Myself In To?

So I was talking to Jessica yesterday, as I do most days (which is made even harder by her phone supplier being very bad at their job and now we have to chat on Facebook and my phone is very bad at it's job of telling me I have a message on Facebook, oddly enough only with her though. We firmly believe that The Zuck just doesn't like her) and after mentioning that I really felt the love from my mum when she didn't ask me why I was going to the doctors after I said I can't babysit for my sister because I have an appointment with the doctor, she herself asked me why I was going to the doctor. That, by the way, is technically one full sentence. Who says I can't write a full sentence? Anyway, the reason I'm going to the doctor is that as I told you before I'll be starting therapy soon. She has been through a lot of therapy herself and when she heard what kind of therapy I would be having, which is cognitive behavioral therapy, not counseling, she told me what it was like.

I have one word to describe what this sounds like. Fuck. I thought that cognitive behavioral therapy is basically how to escape from ruts, how to live your life better and become a more comfortable, confident person. See I don't need anyone to find out my problems. I'm a very analytical person and even without any kind of formal training have been able to work out the problems of others. I'm well aware of a lot of my problems. So I chose the therapy of how to go about fixing them. She made it sound like I was walking in to a ghetto wearing a white robe and black face. In her own words she said that they're going to break me down. They're going to basically finish off what is left of my mind, and rebuild a better person from the ruins. That was what happened to her. She left her therapy sessions shaking and in tears. Let me tell you I am not very open as it is. I need to be asked something directly, or told something directly, and that is not what a psychologist does. They're trained specifically to NOT do that, at all.

I need to go in there willing to talk, willing to be open, and willing to be broken. I am neither of those things and that's why I put off getting therapy for so long. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk. I was ready to talk four months ago, when I actually applied for therapy.

Also this is something that I would have to go through anyway if I wanted to become a psychiatrist. Apparently they put you through incredible mental duress. The reason that therapists are so calm, collected, and barely react emotionally is because they're conditioned to by intense therapy where you basically solve all your own problems. You come to terms with everything you are and that you've done.

I'm so fucking screwed.

Oh and as a special treat to Elsie, I present to you a reposting of the pictures that Bersercules drew of, and, for, me.

For the people who aren't fond of the ponies I present CAT IN A BOX.
 And that's the whole tone of the post ruined. Ha. Oh it's good to end depressing posts with a laugh.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Sorry Fellows

I'm afraid there will be no podcast today. I was feeling sick yesterday because my I saw my cat throw up and I had to clean it up and seeing and smelling vomit, even cat vomit, makes a person sick. I didn't throw up myself but the sensation never went away. In fact some of you probably feel sick just reading that sentence, so sorry once again.

I also felt a lot more nervous than I usually do. It might be a bit hard to believe but I still feel nervous when it comes to recording podcasts. I seize up right until I just bite the bullet and hit record and start talking. I couldn't even do that last night though. I kept putting it off so much and eventually I realised that it had in fact become too long, and I had left it too late.

I don't even remember realising that I was getting more depressed. I guess it has happened though. I finally got my letter from the doctor setting up my first therapy appointment. I don't know if you've ever told a doctor you're depressed but when you do they give you this questionnaire where you say how much you've been feeling a certain thing over the last two weeks, and how much your daily life is impacted. Most of them are pretty obvious ones like "Feeling like you would be better off dead" and when I found myself filling it in perfectly honestly I looked at it and thought "Fuck, that's a bad score." I had become seemingly happier on the outside, and other than that really bad week a few weeks ago I had probably come across quite happy on here. There, as clear as day though, was the proof that I'm not.

I'm putting off what I need to do. I'm not doing much university work, I've still not opened my book to look through it again. If it wasn't such a part of my routine I'd have probably stopped blogging. You could almost say blogging is part of the rut I've found myself in. I'd go on and on but I'd just be ranting and repeating myself. I feel like shit every time my cat is ill too anyway because it's my fault she has a sensitive stomach and because I'm in charge of feeding her it's my fault if she eats something that makes her sick. She's probably going to be like this her whole life and it's my fault. I fucking suck.

Guess it's a good job I didn't record a podcast. The last thing I need is to cry on one again.

Sometimes I wonder why that confident, charming, charismatic person I can become if necessary isn't my default setting.

To not be totally depressing, because damn I hate that, I do have something that just made me smile. Well, my cat still loves me, obviously, and she's actually taken to sleeping under my covers during the day. She'll burrow under there and sometimes her foot sticks out and it's seriously adorable. Now, if she would sleep on me more again I'd be a lot more comfortable. That's what teddies are for though I guess. I am feeling kind of better because I hate dwelling on stuff but fuck it this can still go up. You deserve to know what happened.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Niche Subjects

So I mentioned on Monday that I try to avoid niches and specialist subjects, which inhibits my range of posts. I could talk about the video games I'm playing. I've spent the past week playing Mass Effect 1 and 2 (yeah I'm late to the party) and while they were good games, I was a bit disappointed by the end of two because something I had been trying to prevent happening, happened. I could go in to detail on the games, and how good I found them. I could talk about the stuff I'm studying for my university course, and I actually had a little chat with Fang on Twitter about it. It's pretty cool actually, but to me it's specialist. You have to have an interest in it. I've talked about video games before, and it didn't go down too well because not everyone was interested in them, and I try to cater to as many people as possible.

I watch some TV shows, I play video games, I listen to music and podcasts, but I feel like I couldn't really post about them. I don't like the idea really of leaving people out. I realise that in life you can't cater to everyone, and I should be in business for myself and posting about what I want to post about, but I want to keep as many people in the loop as possible and not make anyone feel left out.

I know that when I do talk about something "specialist", I go in to as much detail as possible and make it as inclusive as possible, but I still don't like that idea. It's the biggest problem I have with podcasting really. If I want to try and get mass appeal to my podcast, I should probably pick a certain subject and stick to it. Chances are that the same could be said of my blog. But, if I did that, I would be turning my back on everyone who got me to where I am today. I wouldn't want someone to feel left out, and like they have no place here. Everyone is welcome here, and that's why I try to keep everything as simple, succinct, and open to everyone as possible.

I just thought I'd explain that one to you.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

So I'm Not That Awesome, Yet

So I mentioned yesterday some problems I had when it came to writing. Some, rather quite frankly, prevalent problems that really should have been dealt with. I have two major ones; sentence fragments, and rushing things.

A sentence fragment is basically something that doesn't stand alone as a sentence. An incomplete sentence, if you will. Yesterday I actually did some reading up on them, and some exercises to try and recognise and correct them. Some are really obvious, and they tend to be ones that I do deliberately. Others are not so obvious, and tend to be ones I make accidentally. Though, it seems, sentence fragments should never ever be used except in the first person, when doing some kind of stream of consciousness monologue. Those are probably something I do incredibly well. I'm quite good at the whole stream of consciousness thing. The thing is though, as grammatically correct as I am (and boy am I) I tend to write in a rather informal fashion when writing fiction. When writing blog posts too for that matter. They're more fun. That's probably a sentence fragment but fuck it. Informal text, while accurate, is boring and monotonal. Sadly though it seems that I am destined to write like that, if I wish to be taken seriously as a writer, or even regarded as a good writer. I think another thing I can do quite well is incur emotion and evoke it, even when I feel like I'm being monotonal. I guess that if I try, I can do it. I also guess that if you can put emotion into something that comes across as boring, then you are truly good at conveying emotion. If I think something is cold and unemotional because it's formal and monotonal, and you disagree, then it shows what a writer I can be. Take the last IS update, inside I was thinking "People aren't going to like this. I'm introducing a random new character and returning Geoff to his base values. Fucking with all his character development." But people didn't really see it like that. What I really wanted to get through got through, no matter what I thought of it. That seems like an almost entirely different problem really.

Another, perhaps lesser, problem, is of course my tendency to rush things. See I thought that all the stories were complete, but my editor disagreed. He said that it was obvious I was rushing them and if I took the time to look over them again, I could probably add more to them. I'm not a massive fan of letting something sit, and then going over it again. I need to go back and edit IS but I keep putting it off. I don't edit podcasts. But this is something I can't just accept as perfect straight away. I do see the point of going back to something and adding to it later. He also mentioned inconsistencies. I don't remember any of those either, but it's more than possible when you're rushing something. Sometimes I think that I think differently. Everything just comes to me as I write. It's like I become someone else in a way. Someone who can actually write. (more God damn sentence fragments. Burn in Hell whoever invented the sentence fragments rule! Fucker.) Because it's like a whole other state to me, one I can only really be in when I'm writing, it's hard for me to go back and look at my work. My lack of confidence in it just adds to that problem. I do plan on going back to the short stories though, and giving them another read. He said he fixed it for grammar, but he couldn't do everything and returned it to me how it was. Hopefully by adding more to it I don't just undo everything that he did for me.

So, when can you expect some kind of release date? I don't know. Some time after the pressure causes me to off myself and I become a smash hit in death and they release my book posthumously and everyone buys it because the profits go to charity instead of lining my pockets.

Okay, things aren't likely to be that bad, but it really is a good sign that I took the time to learn, and wanted to try and improve my writing, rather than breaking down and just telling myself how much I fucking suck at something I thought I was good at.

P.S I'm not actually really mad at anything. I thanked the editor for being honest and sincere with me and letting me know. We even had a laugh over grammar because I missed a comma. A GOD DAMN COMMA. But I'd tell someone else off for missing a comma. My sentences are either too long or too short. I love my editor though, in a totally manly way mind.

I never got that phrase. Surely gay love is the manliest love of all? I mean, have you seen some of those guys. Some are very fanciful sure, but some are jacked up and the manliest things I've seen this side of Chuck Norris' beard.

Anyway, I'll be going now. This was, much like my sentences, far too long. Congratulations if you read all of it.

Sadly you win no prize.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Weekly Round Up 8-15 October

I couldn't think of a title so I just did what I should have probably always done and just gave the dates of the posts I'm rounding up. I would have done that before, and would stick to always doing that, but I hate being repetitive. Repetitiveness is something I really can't stand. I am not a repetitive person. A repetitive person I am not.

Okay so that got old fast. Much like my back. My body is in far worse condition than it should be at my age. Outside I imagine I look younger than I am but inside I appear to be a total wreck. I guess on the plus side it's preparing me for old age. If I make it that far. If not then I've received the "old man" experience.

So, to get on with the show, at long last, we shall begin. Monday I announced that my writing had been a success, and the book was currently in the hands of an editor who was, well, editing it. I'm expecting a release some time this week. I'm really hoping for Thursday so I can announce it then. I think it would be best to announce it on a Monday or Thursday, when I have the most traffic and I'm willing to hold it off until one of those days. I think once I submit it to Amazon it takes about a day to go through properly, so we'll see if I can get it done this Thursday.

Tuesday I announced that I have plans. Plans to buy a motorcycle with the money from this book. Like most plans I make it tended to get big and ambitious and then a few hours later, I really consider the implications. I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to go through with this particular plan, but I do hope to use the money to better my life in some way. Maybe I can hire a ghostwriter. That could be fun.

Wednesday was a good old fashioned rant, complete with a Pokemon reference actually. There are people calling for certain breeds of dogs to be banned because of people using them for fights and breeding them to be aggressive and as you might expect, I did not take too well to that. Someone compared it to a racism argument. I was going to do that, but I didn't want to go quite that far.

Thursday was my 500th post. Which didn't amount to a great deal really. It was a podcast where I only realised that it was the 500th post about half way through, and then didn't dedicate much time to it. I just didn't see it as all that major a thing. Owing to the fact that I was posting every day. Normally the 500th of something is a sign that you've been doing something a long time. Like the 500th chapter of a manga, or an anime episode, would mean that you've been doing that one thing for about 9 and a half years.

Friday was the 501st post. Which I did turn in to kind of a big deal. It was more like two posts though. I probably could have split it up but the second part wouldn't have made much sense without the first. I actually had to go double check the second half. It was about how I hoped to work my writing, and other aspects of my life, around blog checking. I can probably actually write a whole post on that. No sense giving it all away in a condensed sentence.

Hey, when you've written 500 posts you basically find them everywhere you can. If I'd allow myself to talk about the games I'm playing then geez, I'd probably have a lot of posts. Sticking to a category or a niche can get you some views but I'd feel bad if some of you fell out of the loop because I was talking about something you didn't really know or get.

Well, there goes the whole concept of not giving out potential posts as just one paragraph. Then again, I'm good, I bet I could pull it off.

Saturday was of course an Immortal Space update. I wasn't too sure how this one would be taken, but everyone enjoyed it. It kinda felt like I was returning Geoff to his base values and undoing all the character development, but what I actually did was develop him further, and give reasons for him acting the way he does. If anything, I validated his character, and explored it further, rather than hit the reset button when I realised he was being a douche.

Sunday I was sharing some clips of the Simpsons. Which sadly is still running. I feel dirty saying that. Don't get me wrong, I love the Simpsons, and they sure as hell cheered me up after an abysmal Saturday night, but they've gone on far too long. We need the show to end so we can look back on the good old days.

Well, that's that for now. Now I need to get back to doing my university work. I still haven't had any feedback for my first essay. Bah. I think I handed that in about two or three weeks ago and I didn't do any work on it last week because I was waiting for that. I can't keep waiting. If I have to redo something I can just do it.

EDIT: I got an email from the editor today. More from that on another time, but a release is maybe not so soon. Of course, I'll let you guys know first of all when it's all done. 

Sunday, 14 October 2012

The Simpsons

Well last night was a pretty bad night for me. I went out with the family and it might not be as bad as I'm making out, but I think it was still a pretty bad night. So when I got back home, I decided to watch a classic episode of the Simpsons. The show was great, but it's been on a pretty steady decline lately. And by lately I mean quite some bloody time. Anyway, here's just a few clips from their great early times. I can probably do a whole post on the Simpsons, but eh, maybe some other time.

Saturday, 13 October 2012

All About The Geoff

Well it's another Saturday so it's time for another update. I even wrote two in one day, which is pretty good. For me especially. You're only getting one though, and I hope I still write one next week. This is very Geoff-centric and I don't know how well it'll be received but oh well. It's my story and I can do what I want.


While this was happening Geoff was walking off in the opposite direction. He was going to go to a bar, and he knew where to go, but he wanted to spend some time by himself first. He asked someone for directions and found out that there was a park a few streets away. He headed there and was surprised when he found it. It was an oasis. The town itself was dusty and sandy but he had managed to find a patch of nature even here. There was a large pool of water and even some greenery around it. There were some kids in the pool and some benches around it. He sat on one of the benches and smiled at the kids playing. He felt like it had been too long since he just had fun like that. He wasn't regretting going with Trent though, not by a long shot. After a while sat on the bench he got up, and walked on to the bar. On the way he heard his communicator go off. He had a look at it and saw that Lena wanted to add him to her contacts. Not really having a problem with that, he accepted. He did wonder how she got his details, and if she would ever actually call him. He'd leave that for later. Trent would probably know. Trent probably did it.

He reached the bar and let out a sigh when he walked in. This was the bar where they had met Lena. It wasn't the best place to be, but it was a good place to get information. He walked up to the bar, ordered a drink, and started nursing it.
“No guardian with you today?” he heard someone say. Looking to his right he saw a pretty girl with blonde hair.
“Excuse me?” he asked.
“The big man who was with you last time you were here. You went out without him?”
“Tch.” Geoff said. “He's not my guardian. I can go out without him.”
“I thought he was your dad or something.” Geoff snorted.
“That man? My dad? He'll assure you he isn't.”
“What do you mean?” the girl asked him. Geoff sighed and after a few seconds started to tell the girl the story. He told her about how he never knew his dad and after a conversation with Trent started to think that Trent was his dad. Then he explained what happened after he brought that up. How Trent had cut him off almost immediately and said that he wasn't his dad. He had seemed so adamant that he wasn't. The girl asked him if he had some kind of reason for acting like that and Geoff said that Trent had only gotten one woman pregnant and she had lost the child.
“So, you're upset that you aren't his kid? Is that it?”
“What? No! I don't care if he's my dad or not.”
“Then what's up? Why are you so upset?”
“What makes you say I'm upset?”
“You're clearly upset boy. I'm surprised this Trent guy hasn't brought it up.”
“Trent? What would he care.” The girl sighed and patted Geoff on the back.
“I was here last time remember. From the looks of it, I'm pretty sure that he cares about you. You don't think he does?” Geoff shook his head and took some more of his drink. “Well, have you told him about all this? Does he even know he upset you?”
“If he cared about me then wouldn't he know I'm upset without me having to tell him?”
“Do you know how he feels?”
“I guess not.”
“Then how do you expect him to know how you feel?” Geoff sighed.
“Say, what's your name anyway?”
“It's Lisa. What's yours?” she said holding her hand out for Geoff to shake.
“The name's Geoff” he said, shaking Lisa's hand. “With a G” he added with a chuckle.
“What's so funny?” Lisa asked him.
“Nothing,” Geoff replied. “That's just something Trent called me once. Geoff with a G.”
“See, you do still like him.” Lisa said, chuckling herself.
“Now what's so funny?” Geoff asked.
“Nothing.” Lisa replied, and the two of them started laughing. “What were you even here for anyway? Fancy some nostalgia?” Lisa asked him.
“It doesn't matter.” Geoff said, still smiling. “What about you? You don't look like the type to come to a place like this.” he said, motioning around the dark and dirty bar. “This certainly doesn't seem like the kind of place you'd find a girl.” Lisa put her drink down and stared at Geoff.
“Excuse me? A girl? Do you remember what the last girl you met did to you?” she asked him with her hands on her hips. Geoff sighed and grabbed her hand. Lisa looked down but didn't pull away.
“I remember that. I meant more that you seem a bit more...delicate than she is.”
“Geez” Lisa said sarcastically. “You sure know how to charm the pants off a girl don't you?” Geoff started blustering.
“But that's-umm-what? No. You see. Hmmm. Wait. I errr.... No, admittedly no. I'm not very good with girls. Or people.” he said, calming down.
“Don't worry about it.” Lisa said, kissing him on the cheek. “I find awkwardness adorable.” She pinched and played with his cheeks. “You're just so cute.”
“Hey stop that.” Geoff said, batting her hands away. “Don't treat me like a kid. I hate it when people do that.”
“Awwww I'm sorry.” Lisa said, not looking apologetic at all. “But you do have to admit that you're cute.”
“You think I'm cute?”
“Sure do” Lisa said with a smile. “You don't?”
“I'm not sure I want to be cute.” Geoff responded.
“Why not? Being cute is awesome.”
“What are you? Some sort of expert?” Lisa looked down at herself. She was wearing a white dress and boots. The dress had a golden pattern around the neck and a bracelet on each arm.
“Yes, I do believe I look quite cute today. Don't you?” Geoff looked her up and down too, and turned back to the bar to hide his blush.
“What was that?” Lisa asked, leaning in to him. Geoff looked around, saw her there, and turned away. Lisa grabbed on to his cheeks and turned him around to face her. She laughed when she saw his cheeks.
“Oh my.” she said. “I think you're developing a fever. You've gone all red, and your cheeks feel like they're on fire. You okay?” She could barely contain her laughter.
“I'm fine.” Geoff said, acting like nothing was happening. “I'm fine and I find you to be very cute. You happy?”
“Very much so.” Lisa said, letting go of his face and turning to leave.
“Wait, you're going?” Geoff asked, holding out his hand to her.
“Afraid so. I have to leave eventually.” With that, she started walking out the door.
“...ber please” Lisa heard Geoff say. She turned around and he was still looking after her.
“What was that?” she asked him.
“Number. Please.” Geoff started. He stood up and dusted himself off. “May I please have your number.” Lisa smiled and walked back to him. She took his hand, which caused Geoff to turn away shyly, and synced up their communicators.
“There, that wasn't so bad was it?” Lisa asked.
“Thanks.” Geoff said, breathing a sigh of relief.
“What are you so nervous about?”
“Well,” Geoff said, running his hand through his hair in a display of nerves, “I've never done that before, and you could have said no.”
“Awww sweety, I would never say no to you.” she said, giving him another kiss on the cheek and a wink. She walked out of the door, leaving Geoff very flustered and wondering just what had happened. He sat down on his stool, ordered another drink, and drank it all in one go.

Friday, 12 October 2012

501st Post Extravaganza

Fuck it. I can afford to be lazy. I'm poor but being lazy costs nothing. So. Yeah.

Well actually I felt like actually doing a proper "erhmygawd guys, I hit 500 posts" kinda post. Instead I am now celebrating making it to the 501st post. Was the 501st squad of stormtroopers the ones who executed Order 66? I would check it out but I'm not sure how. I'm almost sure that on the campaign mode of Star Wars Battlefront you play as a stormtrooper from the 501st. Which would make this post, and by proxy me, awesome.

But that's just one Hell of a tangent that isn't anything to do with anything. Back on the original, yet secondary, topic.


I'd like to thank Jesus for this moment. Because I feel like patting myself on the back. Though in actuality of course I probably couldn't have done it without you guys. Without you guys I would just be a crazy person who talks to themselves. I do that enough in real life to not need to do it online too. Without an audience I would just get bored and go home. Yes I write my blog posts from home but it's a figure of speech. Without a reader, a writer is nothing really. Then again I have written some things that will never see the light of day.

I said yesterday in the podcast that it really didn't feel like much in the way of spectacular that I reached 500 because I do a post a day, and so it's not like I've been doing this all that long. But it's still a pretty big achievement that maybe...485(?) of those posts were made one after the other. I guess you can count that was rather an achievement. Even if some of them were lazy, and didn't contain much in the way of material, I still wrote them. Plus I put in a lot of effort outside my own blog. I check for new updates every few hours or so, and I do my best to read everything I can every day. Even when I was working 9-5 on my voluntary job I would check all the updates. That, let me tell you, was exhausting.

Part of me is hoping to be able to work my writing, and the other aspects of my life, around checking blogs. Sometimes I would feel put off from doing something because I would have to check blogs soon. But, if I can dedicate myself to one task for an extended period of time, then I can make some kind of schedule, and actually become more productive. Then again, going with my dad to pick up my niece from school three times a week throws a wrench in to nearly any and all attempts to make a schedule because for half the week I have no clue what my free time is going to be. If I had a job it would be even worse.

But, the point remains valid. That I can do different things in between reading blogs, and see that time as a time to change up what I'm doing a little maybe. Last week I was even writing on my laptop in the backseat of my dad's car when we picked my niece up. I was slightly surprised no one asked me why I was suddenly taking my laptop everywhere, my dad didn't even ask me, but I am about a week away from being a published author and no one in my family even knows or cares I'm a writer.

I'll understand if you only read half of this. It kinda turned in to two posts. Just pick a half.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

500th Post Non-Extravaganza

This may actually be my 500th post but there's not much going on about it. I didn't realise it was that post until some time in to the podcast, and then I went in to why it's not actually that much of an achievement because I did it in such a short amount of time. Also included is the fact that I'm using a fancy looking microphone and of course several appearances by my cat, who is becoming more fluffy and lovable lately. I think it's because the weather is getting colder. But this is fine, we're warming each other up. And she's adorable. Anyway, yeah, 500 posts, wooooooooo. I'll try and actually do something better about it all some other time.

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Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Don't Ban The Dog

So Jessica asked me something odd yesterday. No she didn't finally pop the question. Besides, girls aren't supposed to do that except on February the 29th, and I'm a conventional guy. She asked me if I think that some breeds of dogs should be banned. It seems that there are people who want certain breeds of dogs banned. It's not something that's that new to me, but I didn't realise really how big it was becoming.

While I do get that there are some dogs that seem to be bred for fighting and violence, I don't think it's the dog's fault. For the most part, nearly all animals can be domesticated. Or at the very least in some regard. They can be taught that certain humans are important to them and shouldn't be harmed. There may be dogs, and other animals, with a predisposition towards violence, but I think they can still be taught not to be like that. I accept, to a degree, that it's very tough to fix a mentally damaged dog, and it's very tough to break the programming that a bad person will ingrain in to them, but I think it can still be done. If someone goes to a cult, and gets out, you don't just put them down because you can't reverse the indoctrination, you try and do it. You try and save them from what happened to them. With a dog, you can just put it down because it's not like it's human. Like I said, I can, to a degree, accept this. I was there when my dad drowned one of my hamsters because it's leg was broken. It's not like you can really perform surgery on a hamster. Those things are tiny. Still traumatised me to fuck though. Now I'm older I can appreciate how tough it must have been for my dad too. I really could never hurt an animal.

Now that was mostly about when it's too late to "save" the animals. But you can still stop them from growing up like that. Even a really tough and angry breed of dog can be a kitten in the right hands. I don't think you should ban certain kinds of breeds of dogs, you should ban the people who breed them for fighting. Who breed them just to have them and scare people. I mean, German Shepherds are used by the police. Police dogs are VERY aggressive. Except with their handlers. Outside of that environment, they can be very soft. Should we say people can't have German Shepherds because they have this predisposition towards violence? No. The police raise them very well, and they get good results.

For those of you who are old enough, or nerdy enough, to remember, it's kind of like the episode of Pokemon where the Pokemon (which btw Firefox isn't redlining as a non-existent word, even though it's spelled wrong without the accent) end up on an island and Ash's Pokémon (which is spelled right but DOES get red lined...huh...) actually cooperate and become friends with the Pokemon of Team Rocket. There's no such thing as a bad Pokemon, only a bad trainer.

I really believe the same applies to animals.

P.S I'm aware that my arguments have lost all credibility because I referenced Pokemon.

P.P.S If you're wondering Jessica says I have good points, but doesn't really know how to feel about it. She's not as big an animal person as me though. She openly states she hates them, which is something I just can't understand at all. She's only ever really loved one animal I think.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

I Have A Plan

I don't know how well it comes across, but I am the planning type. Much like the inspiration for writing, I will randomly think of a plan. Not every plan comes to fruition, or really gets thought about, but I did have rather a good one yesterday. I decided out of the blue to ask myself just why it is that I'm not really having as much success as I could be finding work. It would be nice if I could make some form of a living off of writing, and maybe I'll get to do that eventually, but for now I have to really be a slave to society and "The Man" because I'm just not cut out for a life of crime really. I'm far too nice and I totally lack an intimidation factor. Or a weapon. Or a crew. Or a safe guy. Or even a getaway car.

Which kind of brings us to the plan. Yay segues. No a Segway is not the answer, though that would have been a more than remarkable segue. The biggest problem I have is transportation. I've still not gone back to having my driving lessons. God only knows when that will actually happen. So for now I'm going to abandon the car, and switch to the next best thing. The motorcycle. It would make me a faggot by the South Park definition but I have always been fascinated by motorbikes. Like most people obsessed with the 80's, it's one of my half dreams to ride a Harley down Route 66. That will not be able to happen for quite some time, but thankfully riding a bike may be able to happen soon. Not for like a month or two, but that's still quite soon in my books.

So, how will I go about this? Just what is the plan? It's rather simple. I plan to use the money I will (hopefully) make from the short story collection to buy a bike. My dad has kindly agreed to pay for the CBT (which I believe stands for Compulsory Basic Training, but I could be very wrong) which is essentially a one day course in all the things involved with riding a bike. At the end of that, I will be qualified to ride the aforementioned bike wherever I want. As long as it's not a motorway. I'll also be limited to 50ccs but you can get some good looking bikes at that power.

Here's where a slight hitch in the plan insists on showing itself. See, I haven't ridden a bike, of any variety, in over ten years. They say you never forget, but I'm pretty sure it's been long enough for me to have forgotten. My brother, who has passed his CBT (and broken 3 bikes but let's not get into that) suggested that I ride a pushbike for a while first. This is where the hitch really kicks in. I am an incredulously self conscious person. I can picture myself riding a pushbike and I don't really like how it looks. At least if I was on a motorbike I could wear a badass leather jacket, or at the very least a helmet. In fact I'm pretty sure a helmet is a legal requirement. I'm only just allowing myself to go out on walks really. Who knows how long going out on a bike is going to take me? Does my exercise bike count? The basics are pretty much the same. It's just that it doesn't move.

*sigh* I love it when a plan comes together, but when they come apart is just shit. I still plan on getting a motorcycle but it would be nice if I could have somewhere private to practice on a pushbike and I could borrow one from someone, instead of having to buy two bikes. Christ right now I'm saving up for a motorcycle, a laptop, and a holiday next year. God I hope the book is remotely successful. I don't have delusions of grandeur, just a few hundred copies sold would be nice. Hell one hundred copies sold would be nice.

At this point just releasing it would be nice.

Monday, 8 October 2012

I Come Bearing...News

Well I do have good news, and a bit of not so good news. My experiment of last week was rather a success. 24k words and 8 stories later my collection of short stories is completed. It was actually finished on Thursday. On Friday Jessica came down, and I had a remotely productive weekend too. I did some cleaning, and replaced my new TV with a new TV that was exactly the same as the old new TV (confused yet?) but shittier. The sound was terrible, so I took it back, and then the new TV had exactly the same sound. So. Yay. I guess. It's supposed to be shit! Stay classy.

Okay so back to the book. The not so good news about it. It's not released yet. When it is, I'll be sure to let you know. For now, it's being edited by a good friend of mine who is a blogger and writer himself. Maybe me actually getting this done will even help get him to release his own book. I think he more than deserves to be published and he's got a literary degree (if I remember right) so he knows his stuff. If he says it's total shite though then I can be found curled up in a corner eating books. He knows I want the honest truth, so I can grow. So I guess if it is utter crap I want him to tell me that it is. As long as he also tells me why and how I can improve. That would be nice of him.

There's also been a change of cover too. After Fang saw the cover, he basically said "Not bad, but I could do better" and I think he did do a pretty good job, so he gets himself an actual credit at the start of the book. I'm not sure how much of this book is even mine any more. I didn't come up with all the ideas, I didn't design the cover, and I'm not doing the editing.

Then again, I suppose it wouldn't be fair if I was editing it.

An expected release is next week. I asked the editor to get it done as quickly as he could, and he said by the end of this week depending on how long it is. Sadly I can't really give him anything, or Fang anything, because I won't really be famous until my second book comes out.

Which will be in a few months probably.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Chris Addison

Chris Addison is someone I really had to warm up to. My first exposure to him was on Mock The Week and while I found him a bit funny, I also found him a bit annoying because I felt like he would constantly try to steal the show and make things about him. Then last night I saw something wonderful. I saw his live act on Live At The Apollo and damn he's pretty funny. He has some good ideas too.

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Another Preview

Because I'm writing all this stuff a week in advance, that means that I didn't have any Immortal Space ready for you. At the time of writing at least. Instead, I thought I would post one of the stories from my book. It's one I'm incredibly proud of, but wary of. I'm expecting a bit of a negative reaction to it because it deals with God. It is the story mentioned in the preface, A Conversation With God. Remember the preface when you read this, and direct all hate mail to Satan. Just write Satan on the envelope, he'll get it. No, really.

Gabe was a good man. He kept his body in good shape by working out as often as he could, he donated to charity and the homeless, and he worked at his local homeless shelter when he found the time. At the young age of twenty two he was a role model to his friends and he would often encourage them to volunteer with him. He was serving at a soup kitchen today. He served a particularly shabby man and after taking his condition in to account he slipped a five dollar bill in to his hand as well.
“Bless you sir” the homeless man said.
“And you my friend. There but for the grace of God go I, right?” Gabe replied. The homeless man's expression changed at that.
“God? Look around you boy, ain't no God around here. If he can look after you, why don't he look after me?”. Gabe had no answer for the man. He simply shrugged and motioned for him to go own down the line so he could serve the next man. Gabe would have said that God had provided for the homeless man, and was keeping him fed, but he didn't think he would have appreciated it. Gabe would sometimes question his faith, but nothing had ever totally broken it so far. He believed that God helped people in different ways. Not everyone could be treated the same way. This kind of defied the omnipotence of God, but given his good fortune Gabe didn't feel like he was being punished for his supposed 'blasphemous' thinking. At least, not in any way he could see. He just tried to live his life in a good way and help his fellow man. He could worry about what afterlife might be waiting for him when he got there.

As he was leaving the soup kitchen he saw the homeless man he had given the money to earlier. He blocked the way out the door.
“Can I help you?” Gabe asked him, trying to keep his face indifferent.
“It's about what happened earlier Gabe” the man replied. Gabe relaxed a little. He was a regular volunteer and was known by and called by his first name by a lot of the people he saw there. If this was someone who knew his name, then he would give them the benefit of the doubt.
“What about it?” Gabe asked.
“Well I was wondering sir, if you'll pardon me, if you had any more money you could give me.” Gabe sighed and turned out the pockets on his coat to show that he didn't have anything. He had a cheeky grin on his face.
“Sorry buddy. I gave you all my spare money. I need what's in my wallet to get home and eat tonight myself.” The homeless man was smiling but he stopped when Gabe said that and his eyes narrowed. He pulled out a knife and pointed it at Gabe.
“I'm now demanding, and not asking. Give me your wallet.” Gabe motioned with his hands for the man to put the knife away.
“Now now, there's no need to get so serious, or desperate. If you need help that badly I'm sure we can find you some. What do you really want?” The homeless man growled and thrust the knife into Gabe's chest. Gabe was stunned and fell to the floor. He had already passed out from pain and shock and was helpless as the man rifled through his jeans pockets and took his wallet. He opened it up, took out the change that Gabe had left and threw the wallet back at him.
“Where's your God now man? God isn't here, and soon you won't be. Sorry it had to come to this.” the homeless man said before running out the door. The manager of the soup kitchen came into the room from the back.
“Strange.” he said, looking around. “I thought I heard something-” he noticed Gabe on the ground and ran over to him. “Shit!” he said when he saw the wound on his chest. Ripping out his phone he called for an ambulance and asked if there was anything he could do while he waited for them.
“Gabe, hey Gabe! Stay with me, man! Gabe!” he said while tapping Gabe, trying to revive him. Gabe was already slipping out of the world though, and it would take nothing short of a miracle to save his life.

Gabe found himself in an unfamiliar place. The ground was white and all around him he could see a clear sky. He remembered the last thing that had happened to him and quickly felt his chest. He couldn't feel anything that felt like a stab wound though, and when he looked down he saw that the clothes he was wearing had been replaced. He was wearing a white suit now instead of the shirt and jeans he had been wearing. He was even wearing a tie and he hadn't worn one of those outside work since the interview that got him the job. He looked around again and found what looked like gates in the distance. He started running towards them and felt that he was lighter than he had ever known himself to be. The ground was softer than anything else he had ever walked on too. When he looked down he saw that he appeared to be running on a cloud. He shook his head to try and dispel the illusion but it was still there. He was now almost convinced he was in fact running on a cloud to what appeared to be gates. His mind was starting to work it all out when he realised he had managed to reach the gates. It didn't take nearly as long as he thought. They were colossal in size and intricately decorated with carvings of angels and what appeared to be humans. They were golden and the arches themselves were some of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. At the top of each gate was a semicircle and he imagined that, when closed, the gates would have a halo on the top. They were open right now though and he tried to step through them when he heard someone clear their throat. It sounded male but when he looked around he couldn't see anyone. He saw a bright light and shielded his eyes from it. When he opened them again he saw what appeared to be an angel. It was a beautiful man with long golden hair, and majestic white wings on his back.
“I'm dead aren't I?” Gabe burst out. The angel nodded, but then shook his head.
“Perhaps” he said, with a soft voice that shocked Gabe at first.
“Perhaps? I can still live?” The angel once again nodded before shaking his head.
“That is up to you, and Him.”
“You would know him as God I believe. It is up to the two of you to decide if you live or die.”
“You mean I'm going to get to meet God? The man upstairs? The big guy?” Gabe asked, stunned. The angel smiled at him and nodded. This time, without shaking his head afterwards.
“Yes those are also what people call Him. Just God will suffice though.” Gabe thought to himself that no one would believe he made an angel laugh. Then again, no one would really believe that he had met God. There was also the chance he'd never live to tell the story anyway. Gabe nodded to the angel and there was another very bright light. Gabe shielded his eyes again and this time when he opened them he was sat on a chair and he could see a table. When he looked up a bit further he saw another chair and a man sat there. He was wearing a white suit much like Gabe's and hair like the angel's, but a pure white. He was also sporting a bushy beard Gabe noticed. The man held out his hand for Gabe to shake. Gabe did so with a shocked look on his face.
“Could you really be-” he started but he stopped when the man nodded.
“That's right.” he said, his voice deep and an accent that Gabe could not, and felt he would never be able to, place. “I am the one you call God. Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, The Big Cheese, the one and only Lord God in the...flesh, so to speak” he said with a smile, looking down at himself. “Well I suppose neither of us is flesh right now. I don't think you even have any blood. Right now it's busy leaking all over that soup kitchen. I feel bad for whoever has to clean that up, you know.” Gabe's mouth was open in total shock at this point and he just sat there staring. “Oh, the shock, right? It'll pass. I'm kind of used to it now. I'd make a point to remove that in humans but, well, why fix what isn't broken?”
“ think we aren't broken?” Gabe managed to ask.
“You do?” God asked him with a smile. “Why do you think that humans are broken?”
“Well” Gabe started, running his hands through his hair, “Well...I don't think I do personally, but what about all the evil people there are in the world? All the people who make others suffer?” God leaned back in his chair and let out a booming laugh.
“Do you have any idea how often I get asked that? Now THAT'S something I wouldn't mind changing.”
“You want to make humans less evil?”
“No, not at all. Never in fact!” God said, wagging his finger at Gabe as one would a child. “I wish I could get people to stop asking that. I mean, jeez, it's so obvious I never got why not everyone gets it. Do you have any idea why Gabe? I know you think that your thoughts on me were different from the others.”
“Well,” Gabe started, contemplating, “I do get that humans need to be capable of both good and evil. That you need both, but I never got why other people were allowed to suffer at the hands of the bad people.”
“Have you ever seen what happens when people finally have enough of those who oppress them?” Gabe was, once again, stunned. He hadn't expected a question like that. “They fight back. They crush and punish the oppressors. They make them pay, and they fight for and attain their own freedom. If they do it themselves, they then truly appreciate the freedom that they have, and you have a whole group of people who will never oppress anyone, because they know what it is like. Suffering is painful, but it is only through pain that people can learn and grow. If everyone has something handed to them, then they don't care about anything, or respect anything or anyone. They end up like the oppressors.”
“What about the people who are suffering and dying in third world countries?”
“That one is a bit of a regret I must admit. You see, I expected people to be able to take care of their fellow man. Instead of helping the people who need it, by providing food and shelter and medicine for them, they go and ask why I'm not doing anything, or why it's happening in the first place. I made you as you are, I can not be blamed for you refusing to help your fellow man. If more people started caring about those who cannot help themselves, then everyone would eventually be happy and well fed. Don't you agree?” Gabe nodded and then he thought about something else.
“Okay well what about the people like the homeless I help? There are people who are living in the so called 'wealthy' countries who are still poor and destitute. What about them?” God leaned forward and pulled a pot of tea out of nowhere along with two cups. He served the tea and placed it on the table.
“Well,” God said, taking a sip of tea, “that's a bit of the previous problem, and a lack of humanity involved with the people who are in that situation themselves.”
“Are you saying that the homeless have only themselves to blame?”
“No, not at all” God said, shaking his head and producing biscuits this time. “I'm saying that once again, not enough help is being given them, but also they are not helping themselves enough. You work in homeless shelters and kitchens. You know that there are people who are keeping them as well fed and clean as possible.”
“But there's not enough help!” Gabe said, interrupting God. He realised what he had done and then looked down, motioning for God to continue.
“My point exactly” God said, smiling and lifting Gabe's head up with a finger. Gabe looked into his eyes and saw the universe reflected in them. He quickly looked away. “There isn't enough help for them. Someone could take these homeless, and give them jobs. Someone could help them work for a better life for themselves. I assure you Gabe that the majority of problems with the world are caused by a lack of humanity and caring by the vast majority of humans. Do you really think you can blame me for what's happening there?”
“Well, why don't you change things? Why don't you change how we work?” Gabe asked. God laughed and this time Gabe knew no one would believe that he had made God laugh. Especially if they didn't believe him about the angel.
“What, my child, is the point of that? Why should I do that? Why rob you of the chance to learn and grow? If I changed you, then I would make you less fun. I would make life more boring. You already have the potential to be amazing, why oh why should I take that away? If I just give you the ultimate goal, then why would you even want to live?” This time Gabe did have a comeback.
“Ahh but see I'm not alive now am I?” he said.
“Didn't you hear the angel? That's not strictly true. Right now the medics are fighting to save your life and it's up to you if you live or don't.” God replied.
“Why did I even have to die?”
“I fancied a chat.” God said with a smirk, setting down his tea.
“A chat?!” Gabe shouted, standing up and looking indignant. “You had me killed so that we could talk over tea and biscuits?! While I'm at it why are there so many people who die young?! When the evil bastards seem to live on!” God sighed and with a motion of his hand the tea and biscuits disappeared.
“Well now you've ruined that. Did you not just state with your questions that life isn't very good, and you even brought up another good point. Well let's look at the starving children in what you call Africa for a start. Is it not better for them to die than to keep living like that?”
“It would be better for them to be never born at all surely?”
“Not at all my young friend. I would not want to rob them of a chance of life. Besides, as I said earlier, if more was being done to help them, then they wouldn't be born in to pain like that, and they could live for a long time.”
“What about me? I was a good man, I was in good shape, why was I stabbed? The man who killed me is probably even going to use my money to live it up for a while, while I'm here dead.”
“By your own admission, with your questions and your thoughts, you seem to have come up with the conclusion that life, for some at least, is a series of pain and suffering. Do you agree?”
“To a point” Gabe nodded. “It seems to me that some people get to live life just fine, without any problems, no matter how many problems they give other people.”
“You mean the oppressors?”
“Again, to a point.”
“Well let's take the assumption that life is suffering. Don't you think that it's better for the good to die young, and be spared that pain? The sooner they die, the sooner they can know eternal bliss.”
“That isn't your choice to make!”
“I am God, is not everything my choice to make?”
“Not when it comes to our lives dammit!”
“So,” God said, stroking his beard. “You're saying that you want me to not interfere with your life, if it causes you pain, but you do want me to end the suffering and pain of others?” Gabe was struck dumb. He sat back down and stared at the floor. “You want me to stop people from being hurt? I stop them from being hurt. I free them from their pain. If they won't help themselves, and other people won't help them if they can't, then eventually I give in and spare them from that, and I allow them to come here. It is not my fault that no one does anything while people are suffering. Do you see my point now?” Gabe nodded and apologised. “Now, we come to the main attraction. Given everything that I've told you about life, about the way I work, do you still want to live? You admit yourself that there might not be anything down there for you but pain. Do you want to go back to that, or do you want to stay here?” Gabe sat and thought about it for a few minutes. God waited patiently and summoned another tea which he drank while he waited.
“I want to go back down. I want to live” Gabe said eventually. God smiled and nodded, and prepared to click his fingers.
“Before I send you back, tell me why. Why do you want to live in a world like that?”
“Because of what you told me” Gabe said, smiling. “I already do a lot for the people, but I could always do more. Besides, even if I can't do more, the world is robbed of one good person and it could end up even worse. I don't know if anyone will listen to me, but I'll do what I can to help ease the suffering. Life is worth living, and I want to offer as many people as I can that chance, like you I guess.”
“The day a mortal truly understands me is the day I give up” God said, laughing. “But, I think you're starting to get it. I look forward to meeting the man you will become Gabriel, as well as the people who you will touch and better along the way. You'll have to tell me all about it when you come back.”
“Won't you be watching?” Gabe asked.
“I have better things to be watching than what one man does, no matter who that man is.” God said, and snapped his fingers.

Gabe slowly opened his eyes and when they focused, and he could see properly, he saw that he was in an ambulance. He saw paramedics preparing to shock him with a defibrillator. He reached up and grabbed the paramedics hand before he could shock him.
“I've already died once today mate, let's not make it twice.”
“You're awake? Thank God, we thought it would take a miracle to save you” the paramedic said, setting down the defibrillator and checking his pulse.
“God? Miracles? Boy do I have a story to tell you...”

Somewhere outside the known universe God laughed. “Cats”, he said, “Now THAT'S perfect. Perfectly hilarious” he said as he watched a cat play with a ball of wool. “Cats, now they work how they're supposed to.” He spared a moment to look at Gabe and was not surprised at all to find out he was right. No one did believe him.

That thing was the length of THREE Immortal Space updates.

You're welcome.


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