Tuesday, 25 September 2012

I Am A Mess

Warning: This was written when I wasn't in a very good place. My emotions may have changed, my feelings probably have not. This is something I felt like writing, and I knew it might end up a bit irrelevant, but I decided IDGAF. If I actually publish this then you can probably count it as some kind of huge step. I'm letting you in on not just the more worse sides of me, but really into the worse sides of the mess that is my life.

I am stressed and depressed. It's as simple as that. As some of you know I sign on to jobseekers allowance. It's a social benefit (INB4 people bitching about socialism) that is designed to help support people who are looking for work. It's a small amount of money every fortnight to help keep you going while you look for work. This stresses me out a lot but lately I've been getting more stressed out by it. There are rules and regulations of course, and lately they're becoming stricter and harsher and soon, as in three weeks, I'll be placed on a work scheme. It's the same work scheme I was on last year which lead me to a full breakdown and caused me to sign off and seek professional psychiatric help. Simply put, I'm stressing out. I was wearing my heart rate monitor because I walk there (through pretty bad rain thank you very much) and I was hitting 125 BPM. That's good for exercise. That's because I was panicking.

Here's where things are getting bad though. I think it's in my best interests, physical and mental, to sign off. This would mean no money though. I don't think I can have no money. My dad is still going to stay in work (there do be a God) but it's a serious demotion and I'm not sure what his pay will be. I don't think either of us can afford for me to not having any money. I think if I talked it through with him then he would tell me that I need to do what's best for me. He might be a bit disappointed but he wants what's best for me. I don't even want to disappoint him though. My brother is a disappointment, I don't want to be like him. But forcing myself to stay on when I know it's damaging me, that's going to stress me out too. I was almost crying at the job centre and fuck I'm almost crying writing this.

I'm a total fucking mess over this. I have a blog, I have a podcast, I have a store and I'm a writer. I would hope to be making money by now. I have nothing I can release as a book though. I would feel too bad if I released a book of posts, and I don't have enough short stories to put together in to a collection. Maybe I should just seclude myself for a week and just write a ton of short stories. Jessica asked me if we could get together and come up with a get rich quick scheme and I think we could actually do it but we haven't worked up an idea yet. She's coming down for a few days though, and should be arriving when you're reading this. Maybe something good will come out of this. Basically I'm a fucking mess and by God I wish I had other ways to be making money. Immortal Space will probably be finished by the end of the year but there's no guarantee it would sell, or anything I write, and "by the end of the year" isn't "now". I just don't know anymore. Well, the problem is I do know, but I can't do what I have to do because it just feels and seems so much like the wrong thing to do. No one in my family knows how bad things are for me. I guess if I publish this and no one mentions it to me then it's a good sign that no, my family are not reading. Sometimes I wish I could get classed as disabled and just have dad be classed as my carer, it's close enough to that, but I failed their disability "tests".

Okay I'll just shut up now.

14 comments:

  1. Awww buddy my heart bleeds for you man especially because I'm on the same thing and I'm horrendous and I mean utterly horrendous socially these days. The thing is that I don't have a father as awesome as yours, mine is forcing me to stay on and there's nothing I can do. My advice, and I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but my advice is to stick on it dude, to do the course or whatever it is and to try to benefit socially from it.

    Like honestly we're practically at the exact same stage now (if anything I'll be starting earlier, possibly next week), and while I'm scared I know I deserve more than this shit life I'm living and I know that I may go in to this course and be the most awkward, pathetic person in society around but if I learn something, if I get the slightest bit of confidence from it all then it was all worth it. These mental roadblocks are both in our minds buddy, honestly I know that doesn't make it any easier but if we try our hardest then nobody can say that we didn't do our best so just go out there and try to beat it.

    Also don't feel bad if you do end up finding a way to opt out because I reckon if I had a way I would, the world has been cruel to me and possibly you as well, there's no shame in being the way you are.

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  2. Mark, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's the shits is what it is. And it's one of those times when I wish I could say something that would make a concrete difference in your life.

    Your situation is being played out over and over and over all around the globe right now. Now that may not sound comforting, but what it should tell you is that it's not your fault. You aren't a disappointment and you haven't failed. You're at a point in history where the world economy is tanking all at the same time. You didn't create this mess, but you've got to survive it.

    One thing I've learned from following you all this time is that you are made of tough stuff Mark. You can do this, you will do this and you will come out better because of it. Don't give up, keep fighting.

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  3. Mark, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I won't claim to know everything there is to know about what you're going through. However, I did go through something which sounds similar.

    When I was 18 and had just left college, I had the choice between signing on or taking a shitty job where I knew I'd be unhappy. I took the job and, although I could tell you some tales about that place that would make your toes curl, I eventually got out and used it as a stepping stone to something better. I don't know what your work placement would entail, but is it possible that it might lead to something bigger and better later on?

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  4. This breaks my heart reading this, Mark. It reminds me of a saying, "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

    It sounds like you are faced with some choices and those aren't always easy. I wonder if instead of waiting to see if your family reads this particular post, why not send it to them? Or sit down with them? I know, as a mom, I would desperately want my child to come to me over anything and everything they felt any type of turmoil over. It's what I am here for, to be here for my kids and it sounds like your dad is the same way. I don't think he will be disappointed.

    You can do this, Mark. I know you can. Please let us know how it goes, okay?

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  5. Damn, Mark. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I wish I had some advice to give you. I'm unhappy at my job (cubicles tend to drain the life from me) which is why I, too, am trying to put some writing on the market.

    I've rewritten the first chapter of my novel more times than I can count so there's no chance in me releasing it any time soon. But, I'd suggest doing the short story idea. I'm going to use the flash fictions I submit to DudeWrite's Flash Mob along with some school works to hopefully do something along the same lines as you're thinking. Once I get about 100 short stories I'll probably do something about it. It will take a while, though. Also, teleplay writing is something I'm about to give a go, too.

    Anywho, (sorry if I'm rambling on) trying expressing some of your opinions about politics and regulations in an article format and submiting it to random newspapers. Perhaps you'll get a few bucks per article. Or perhaps you can start a seperate blog and review products for cash?

    Bah, sorry if I'm not really helping any. I wish I could offer something besides simple suggestions. I hope everything works out, though.

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  6. I feel your pain, man. Money (or lack there of) is the source of all my stress. I have a job but it is nowhere near enough to make ends meet. Bad thing is, I happen to like my job, for the most part. I'd rather make less at a job I like than make more at a job that is miserable! So I'm kinda stuck here.

    I don't have any advice to offer. Just hang in there and survive. As others have mentioned, it's not just you...it's the whole damn world who is struggling!

    Get busy on those writing projects!

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  7. I'm sorry about your hard times, Mark. While your dad(or parents for anyone in this type of situation) probably doesn't mind taking care of your finances while you're down on your luck, I understand you do not want to be a burden or trouble to him. That's how I feel; even though I have a job, I am underemployed and underappreciated. I live with my mom and sister, pay for some of the bills but realize I definitely cannot live on my own on this meager income.

    In times when I'm close to panicking and crying out in despair, I calm myself down and say, "it's just money. Some way or another, I will get by. Maybe I can't have all the material things I want, but I've got family, friends, love, and health (not the best, but definitely I'm not dying), and those things are what keep me going." I hope things get better in this regard, carry on, dear friend!

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  8. Sorry to hear this man, my stress at the moment is caused by me losing my job soon, I don't think I could cope like you have to this point.

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  9. I really feel for you Mark. Getting any kind of work is getting worse in England, and most people, especially students it is pure hell.
    I don't know much about Jobseekers Allowance, but I know how much these plebs of government are. I get Disability Living Allowance and a paltry amount of income support, basically because of my mental state. I feel I am living on a knife edge all of the time...running in circles and getting nowhere.
    One of the drawbacks of living in a little town is that there is no jobs, but the government can't see that. The few jobs that are pushing all of the younger people into the cities are all taken over by older people who have been stuck in the same job since the year dot.
    Don't give up...there are many, many other people in the same situation as yourself.
    Have you talked to your Doctor? I know these means tests are are real pain, but the guy who interviewed me, plus having a brilliant Doctor, got me through a lot of stuff...even though I am on medication for the rest of my life because of the damage that I did to myself, add onto that my agoraphobia and I'm a prisoner in my own home. Everyday is a constant battle.

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  10. So many nice and lengthy comments here I might as well add to the pile.

    Damnit man, won't your tides ever turn? This is getting ridiculous. ):

    First of all, right now you shouldn't give a shit about disappointing people of anything. It's good you partially know that, but you really need to focus on getting yourself back on track first. It's stupid that you got to do the work scheme thing for money. You went to a therapist, so you have proof that your previous work scheme period caused you to break down. Can't you use that to bail out of it and keep getting the money anyway? You shouldn't be doing it if you know it puts too much stress on you for you to handle.

    Also, are there no job opportunities for column writers? You'd do well at that, and already got this here giant portfolio of your blog. You'd think there isn't a whole lot of people doing that, so some magazines are constantly searching.

    It feels bad to see your struggling continue. You're slowly being chipped away at, and it seems so damn unfair. Just, hang in there man.

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  11. Oh man, I'm really sorry you have to go through this shit. No money sucks but going through something that's damaging for you is not good either. The only thing I can say is try to stick with it, try to hope for the better and hopefully you'll get through this shit. I know that's a lousy advice, I'm sorry.

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  12. add me to skype, seriously. I'll help you. bartbart333. I'll let ya in on the details over skype

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  13. sorry to know about that
    hope you and jessica will sort out and find a good solution

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  14. One advantage you do have is a very good friend in Jessica. It is so much easier with 2 people with common goals working together, than just trying to go it alone.

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