Warning: This was written when I wasn't in a very good place. My emotions may have changed, my feelings probably have not. This is something I felt like writing, and I knew it might end up a bit irrelevant, but I decided IDGAF. If I actually publish this then you can probably count it as some kind of huge step. I'm letting you in on not just the more worse sides of me, but really into the worse sides of the mess that is my life.
I am stressed and depressed. It's as simple as that. As some of you know I sign on to jobseekers allowance. It's a social benefit (INB4 people bitching about socialism) that is designed to help support people who are looking for work. It's a small amount of money every fortnight to help keep you going while you look for work. This stresses me out a lot but lately I've been getting more stressed out by it. There are rules and regulations of course, and lately they're becoming stricter and harsher and soon, as in three weeks, I'll be placed on a work scheme. It's the same work scheme I was on last year which lead me to a full breakdown and caused me to sign off and seek professional psychiatric help. Simply put, I'm stressing out. I was wearing my heart rate monitor because I walk there (through pretty bad rain thank you very much) and I was hitting 125 BPM. That's good for exercise. That's because I was panicking.
Here's where things are getting bad though. I think it's in my best interests, physical and mental, to sign off. This would mean no money though. I don't think I can have no money. My dad is still going to stay in work (there do be a God) but it's a serious demotion and I'm not sure what his pay will be. I don't think either of us can afford for me to not having any money. I think if I talked it through with him then he would tell me that I need to do what's best for me. He might be a bit disappointed but he wants what's best for me. I don't even want to disappoint him though. My brother is a disappointment, I don't want to be like him. But forcing myself to stay on when I know it's damaging me, that's going to stress me out too. I was almost crying at the job centre and fuck I'm almost crying writing this.
I'm a total fucking mess over this. I have a blog, I have a podcast, I have a store and I'm a writer. I would hope to be making money by now. I have nothing I can release as a book though. I would feel too bad if I released a book of posts, and I don't have enough short stories to put together in to a collection. Maybe I should just seclude myself for a week and just write a ton of short stories. Jessica asked me if we could get together and come up with a get rich quick scheme and I think we could actually do it but we haven't worked up an idea yet. She's coming down for a few days though, and should be arriving when you're reading this. Maybe something good will come out of this. Basically I'm a fucking mess and by God I wish I had other ways to be making money. Immortal Space will probably be finished by the end of the year but there's no guarantee it would sell, or anything I write, and "by the end of the year" isn't "now". I just don't know anymore. Well, the problem is I do know, but I can't do what I have to do because it just feels and seems so much like the wrong thing to do. No one in my family knows how bad things are for me. I guess if I publish this and no one mentions it to me then it's a good sign that no, my family are not reading. Sometimes I wish I could get classed as disabled and just have dad be classed as my carer, it's close enough to that, but I failed their disability "tests".
Okay I'll just shut up now.