Tuesday, 7 August 2012

I Turned Off Automatic Facebook Posts For This

This could get incredibly personal and emotional, and to be honest I'll be surprised if I post it. It's not the "story I'll never tell" but it is related to it, and frankly I should probably tell that story first to give some proper background, but oh well.

I was talking to a friend recently about how she's not very good with intimacy. Be it emotional or physical. She's not fond of being touched and doesn't really like terms of endearment. She has her reasons, that are hers, and I'm going to honour her privacy (fuck I hope she doesn't kill me just for alluding to her) and just say that really I can understand why she is the way that she is. I could have ended up like her too. When I was younger I was very cold. I actually still am. I know most of you probably see me as some kind of lovable and romantic guy, who cares a great deal about everyone, and everything, but I'm really not. If something doesn't directly affect me, or someone I know, then I generally won't care. I could comfortably shrug off half of the world's population suddenly dying. If everyone but people I knew died, I could just be all "Hey, at least we're alive. Now, who wants to help me repopulate?". I changed though, of course. You must know a lot of the mental and emotional abuse I suffered at school, and probably how quiet and reserved I was when I was younger. I was used to feeling like nothing. Like no one really cared about me. I went through a lot more than that that made me unable to be touched as well. When I was with my first girlfriend pretty much all the intimate stuff was me to her. She felt bad about that sometimes but she knew why I was the way I was.

I felt like nothing, and that I had nothing to give to the world. I hated feeling like that, and I resolved that no one should ever have to feel like I did. I always wanted to close off my heart to protect myself, but I would always open it to let people in, because I wanted to let them in to my heart if no one else would let them in to theirs. If anyone ever felt like they weren't loved, or wanted, then I resolved to never hide that I wanted them around, that my life was better with them in it. I didn't want anyone to feel as lonely and dejected as I had felt. I mean it, if I take the time to talk to you, if I care about you, then I really mean it. Someone in this world likes you, and if it happens to be me, then it happens to be me. I don't mind telling someone that I like them, I don't mind complimenting someone, I've even ranted at people about all their good points before just because they thought they were worthless. There is value in every body. Even a worthless piece of crap like me. I don't mind telling you I like you, I don't mind telling you how beautiful you are, and I'm serious when I do it.

The only thing I won't do is tell you that I'm in love with you. No one needs my love. It's tainted, and it just leads to trouble and misery for the both of us. I guess that hearkens back to the post I made before about caring about someone so much you won't want to hurt them in the future. I'm protecting you from me, as well as from yourself. If there are people out there who don't like you, and seem to want to hurt you, then they don't deserve you, and they aren't worth your time. You're worth all the time in the world to me though.

21 comments:

  1. I love the nice sentiments towards your friend in this post man but I hate to see you being negative. You've done very little wrong in your life, you're a good guy in general and it's not fair that you feel like there's anything wrong with your love because there really isn't, trust me.

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  2. No comment, really. I can't comprehend the degree of sensitivity in the post. I guess all I can say is, do what you do best and keep intruders out.

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  3. Aww you're not a worthless piece of crap :) x

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  4. Oh, you know what they say. We must learn not only to give love, but also to receive love. We will hurt the ones we love one way or the other, sooner or later, but sharing this certain feeling of love with one another is worth it.
    If I love one person and I know that he would definitely unintentionally hurt me at least once, I'd still choose to love him and for him to love me back regardless.
    And oh, I love you last sentence.

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  5. Sometimes, the blog is the best place for you to write your heart out. The semi-private nature of it certainly allows that.

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  6. I sometimes feel the same. But, then I look at my two kids and hope, "Hey, I managed to do SOMEthing worthwhile."
    Keep writing my friend. It's very cathartic. And I'm amazed I even know what that word means.
    Maybe I can even use it in 'Words With Friends.'

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  7. well at the very least people like you with you trying so hard to make them like you... you get what i mean?

    i'm only comfortable sharing my deep thoughts, hopes and feelings with one person.

    it takes time for me to make real friends... coz in reality i'm really (absolutely) shy around other people ~_~

    have a nice day! ^_^

    "Diaries of an Indistinctive Writer"

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  8. I have a lot of intimacy issues as well, but I'm trying to get over them. It's ruined a lot of relationships that I've had because I don't really know how to adequately express myself, but luckily it hasn't scared off any of my close friends.

    I hope your friend is ok, and I'm glad she had someone like you to talk to and understand her.

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  9. Hello Mark, I've randomly stopped by on a beautiful post. I can relate to a lot of what you've written - and the only thing I would protest is that your love is tainted. I think that it's impossible for love to be tainted - love is completely pure.

    I'm always so impressed by how clearly you see things and how clearly you can express them. Often there are things that I think or feel which are just impossible for me to express in writing (or in any format for that matter).

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  10. You are you own worst critic. Everyone is worthy of somebody's love - especially of yours and I'm certain your love isn't tainted, Mark. Especially if it is given freely, which is the way you always portray yourself - a free spirit.

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  11. Are you talking about me and my blog? You do care!!

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  12. I'm 'in love' with you too, Mark. You have been the kindest guy I've ever known, literally, even it is only via blogging. I hope more amazing guys like you would "repopulate" this earth (:

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  13. It can be so hard sometimes to believe we're worth anything at all. And as broken as we are, I don't think that means our love is tainted. <3

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  14. I feel like this most of the time too, Mark. I tend to get hurt far to easily, so I keep people at arms length, but once you get to know me I'm not like that at all.
    It takes all sorts, so they say, but I'm just me doing the best I can. ;)

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  15. In this way we are the same but I bury mine deeper down or it rises like anger....

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  16. With everything that I have been going through, I see a lot of this in myself too. We all have some damage. I think its nice to know we aren't alone.

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  17. Nobody needs your love, Mark? I can't help but shake my head at that. That is not true at all and I don't believe there's such thing as tainted love. Someonne needs you love, even if you, yourself, don't believe that.

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  18. See, I wouldn't describe yourself as cold. Because I feel the same way. Whenever someone tries to tell me about some conflict in Uganda or starving children I just shrug it off. I feel nothing.

    Because I see it as a waste of energy. Why sit around feeling bad? it's better to either get up, and actually do something about it, or not care at all. No half measures.

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  19. *hugs* Don't you ever think that you're worthless. You mean something me.

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  20. Who is this person? DWei is soooooo..yeah, do what he says :)

    You are breaking my heart Mark, how dare you says nobody needs your love??? I do. I think we all do. You're saying your love is tainted? Why so? you are being so mean to yourself. Your full of negative energy. you're being weak and I am so disappointed!

    Are you really Mark? I mean, c'mon! cheer up!!!

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  21. a lot of that sounds familiar.

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