This could get incredibly personal and emotional, and to be honest I'll be surprised if I post it. It's not the "story I'll never tell" but it is related to it, and frankly I should probably tell that story first to give some proper background, but oh well.
I was talking to a friend recently about how she's not very good with intimacy. Be it emotional or physical. She's not fond of being touched and doesn't really like terms of endearment. She has her reasons, that are hers, and I'm going to honour her privacy (fuck I hope she doesn't kill me just for alluding to her) and just say that really I can understand why she is the way that she is. I could have ended up like her too. When I was younger I was very cold. I actually still am. I know most of you probably see me as some kind of lovable and romantic guy, who cares a great deal about everyone, and everything, but I'm really not. If something doesn't directly affect me, or someone I know, then I generally won't care. I could comfortably shrug off half of the world's population suddenly dying. If everyone but people I knew died, I could just be all "Hey, at least we're alive. Now, who wants to help me repopulate?". I changed though, of course. You must know a lot of the mental and emotional abuse I suffered at school, and probably how quiet and reserved I was when I was younger. I was used to feeling like nothing. Like no one really cared about me. I went through a lot more than that that made me unable to be touched as well. When I was with my first girlfriend pretty much all the intimate stuff was me to her. She felt bad about that sometimes but she knew why I was the way I was.
I felt like nothing, and that I had nothing to give to the world. I hated feeling like that, and I resolved that no one should ever have to feel like I did. I always wanted to close off my heart to protect myself, but I would always open it to let people in, because I wanted to let them in to my heart if no one else would let them in to theirs. If anyone ever felt like they weren't loved, or wanted, then I resolved to never hide that I wanted them around, that my life was better with them in it. I didn't want anyone to feel as lonely and dejected as I had felt. I mean it, if I take the time to talk to you, if I care about you, then I really mean it. Someone in this world likes you, and if it happens to be me, then it happens to be me. I don't mind telling someone that I like them, I don't mind complimenting someone, I've even ranted at people about all their good points before just because they thought they were worthless. There is value in every body. Even a worthless piece of crap like me. I don't mind telling you I like you, I don't mind telling you how beautiful you are, and I'm serious when I do it.
The only thing I won't do is tell you that I'm in love with you. No one needs my love. It's tainted, and it just leads to trouble and misery for the both of us. I guess that hearkens back to the post I made before about caring about someone so much you won't want to hurt them in the future. I'm protecting you from me, as well as from yourself. If there are people out there who don't like you, and seem to want to hurt you, then they don't deserve you, and they aren't worth your time. You're worth all the time in the world to me though.