Tuesday, 17 July 2012

I Love You?

I'm taking a short break from question answering, kind of, to bring you a post I wrote on my phone last week when I was asked if I love someone on Formspring (feel free to ask me anything). The answer to that question that I gave was "That's a bit of a tough one. There are plenty of people I love. But when it comes to being "in love" I'm not sure to be honest. Sometimes I'm not sure I'm able to be in love with someone. Their emotions can affect my own and make me confused about my own. I've thought I was in love plenty of times but not actually been in love. The short, simple answer is, sadly, I do not know."


You guys have thought I was in love before. Other people have. Lots of people have. Even I have. I've often been wrong though. I think I've only ever been definitely in love once, and even then I'm not so sure. That time was of course Cinders. Since then, and even before actually, I've been in and out of love more times than needles have been in and out of an addict. They say that love is just something you feel and that you should just listen to your heart and let it tell you that you are. When your heart has been wrong so many times in the past though then can you really trust it? I, for one, can not.

I want love so badly that I blind myself to it. I fail to see it, or accept that it just isn't there. My powers of denial are so strong that I once convinced myself that a lesbian wasn't gay, and would give me a chance. I've assumed things and been wrong several times before. Almost always. If I say I'm in love then I question it. If I say I'm not then I question it.

I have a very obsessive personality. Possessive too. One of my addictions (if you're reading this Elsie, there you go, I gave one up) is people. If you'll talk to me I'll talk to you any chance I get. Relationships, even just friendships, with me, just don't last very long because I can do it all and move on very quickly. There are some people though I truly do care about and would always be there for.

I had a whole list of people I care about, but then I edited it out. If you're on that list, then chances are you already know it.

I love you guys, but don't ask me how I actually feel, because I really don't know. I care about you though, and would be there if you wanted me for something.

17 comments:

  1. I always felt the same Mark, especially when it came to relationships. Like if I've never felt love before then how can I know what it really is? I don't think I can honestly. Great post though dude, I know what it's like to have a possessive, obsessive personality and I try my best to hide that and tone it down when I'm involved with anyone new because I know myself it isn't a good thing and it needs stamped out by myself.

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  2. There are many kinds of love and I am certain it is different for everyone.
    I still think that when your soul mate comes along, you just know. It doesn't matter how hard you push them away or how hard it is to get together, when it is meant to be, it will happen.
    And not always with massive fireworks. Sometimes real love sneaks up quietly and builds slowly to a glowing intensity that never really goes away.

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  3. I'd start with the whole care about yourself thing again, but I think we're both getting sick of that, you more so than I.
    I love you too Mark, I love you too. <3

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  4. Wow! Wondering if I'm on the list Mark. Hehe

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  5. I think it's always easier to look back on something and say, "oh no. That wasn't love." And it probably wasn't. But also there is something to be said about time, space, growing apart, retrospect, etc. I can convince myself that I never loved my ex until I'm blue in the face, because at this point I barely feel like I know him. I don't find him attractive. I tend to only remember all the bad.

    Truth is, though, that at that time? Yeah. I loved him.

    I don't know if that made sense. I tend to be very reserved with my feelings, with my love and care. Mostly because I don't trust people to be careful with them.

    Lor

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  6. I agree with Lorraine. I've thought I've been in love, but looking back it was mostly my inability to hurt someone that has kept me beside them. That's kind of the dilemma I'm in right now. I've been in a steady relationship for over a year now, but only recently have I been second guessing my feelings. Consciousness really sucks sometimes.

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  7. Ahh I remember your tweet about this and it ending somehow on the topic or mutant ninja turtles. Well that's love for ya!

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  8. That's about all we can ask of you, is to be there if we need you, and is much, much more than most are willing to give.

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  9. thanks buddy, I love you too, but in a non-gay sort of way. dude I saw two dudes walking down the street holding hands. it was so fucking weird, I had to ask my passenger about what i just witnessed.

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  10. If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right

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  11. Well, Mark, it must be fate that I'm reading Blogger tonight!! I'm glad you were comfortable enough to share one of your addictions with us. Love is a difficult thing and so is putting your heart out there for fear of being heart but I'm a firm believer in knowing when it comes our way and in different forms - friendship, companionship, lover, and even cyber friends.

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  12. I don't really think I've ever been in love. I mean, definitely in a platonic way because once I attach to someone I'm really protective and have been known to be violent if I feel like my family/friends are threatened, but as far as anything else goes?

    Nope.

    And I'm not one to throw the "L" word around haphazardly. I don't know. I'm really self conscious about my feelings and I tend to keep everything inside, but I think that may just be my introverted nature.

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  13. Yeah, I know what that feeling's like. As of fairly recently though I think I can safely say that I'm very in love with a very special someone.

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  14. This one is a tough topic. Can't really say what is "being in love' exactly (by definition) - though I think everyone's got their own definition for it. I could never comfortably use the words "I love you" withought cringing.

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  15. This sounds a lot like me. I've loved someone once, but maybe not. Maybe it was obsession. I think I love people, but quickly move on. My desire to figure out why I do this has led me to consider therapy.

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  16. I think that's a very honest answer, moreso than I've seen from a lot of people. How do you define love, anyway? Is there a way to measure it? Can you filter it and put it into a nice glass cup to compare its contents? Nope. It's ethereal and abstract...so most times, "I don't know" is the best answer you can give. The fact that you will be there for anyone at any time shows that you do have love in your heart though. Maybe not romantic love. But compassion and generosity go hand-in-hand with the idea of love.

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