Tuesday, 31 July 2012

I am weird. I'm not just saying that. I am actually pretty weird. In a few ways really. I can convince you that I'm a wonderful and special person and likeable, even loveable, and then try and take it all back and insist I'm not. Insist that you should leave me alone before I hurt you. I want acceptance and love, yet at the same time I don't want it. I can convince you that I'm a wholly good and innocent person when I know I'm not, and then try and convince you I'm not. Which you then won't believe. The greatest trick the devil ever did was convince the world he doesn't exist. I am the devil. In that sense. Its not even that I push people away with one hand pull them in with the other. Its that I push you away while begging you to stay. Or I hold on to while telling you to get away while you can.

Someone once left me saying she cared too much about me to hurt me. I found the notion insane because she was hurting me right there. But I understand those feelings now. The thought that you can care about someone so much that you don't want to hurt them. So you'd rather just tell them to go away and be done with it. There are a few things wrong with this though. I already pointed out one. You're still hurting them. You're hurting yourself too. For no real reason. The other point is that its not really up to you to decide that.

Just like you can care about someone so much you're willing to hurt them now to save them from pain down the road, there are people who care enough about you to risk being hurt. There are people who can see the good in you, and are willing to bet that side of you will win out in the end.  I'm not entirely sure what the point of this was. It sort of changed gears halfway through. This is what I get for writing it in two goes instead of writing the whole thing at once.

This is just something I wrote while talking to someone and I had a burst of inspiration because I was doing that thing I do where I tell someone I'm not good at something. In this specific case it was talking. I might talk a fair bit online, and in blog posts, but if you try to talk to me IRL, I'm incredibly quiet, shy, and docile. The only times I'm not really is when I'm trying to bring someone out of their shell.

P.S I haven't forgotten about the questions thing, I'm just trying to save them. More on that at a later date.

14 comments:

  1. You do sometimes have to hurt the ones you love, it's hard but that's the reason....

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  2. I know it has to be an insult Mark, but I see myself as awfully similar to you in the way we behave towards people and the issues we cause ourselves. With that said, just like Angry says, sometimes you have to hurt the people you love for their own good, keep your head up buddy.

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  3. I suppose sometimes it's not really a choice to hurt theones you love - you just have to do it, even if you may not think it's best at the time x

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  4. Well, people before me have put it in a better way, but yeah. I don't really know what caring is, though.

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  5. The only instance in my own life where I've had to hurt someone by leaving is when that person was an addict. And then I did it more to save myself from them and I've told them that specifically.

    IRL you can't get two words out of me edgewise, online you can't ge me to shut up.

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  6. Relationships are always tricky like that, 99% of break-ups end up with someone getting hurt (a truely mutual break-up is some kind of white whale). Always a hard call though, hurt someone now or hurt them worse later? Just one of those questions with a thousand answers, but pain is just a part of life and you cant avoid situations that might end in it or you wont have any life at all.

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  7. It's very possible, I think, but somehow, I think deep down it's just a polite way for someone to say they want out.

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  8. I think that's the beauty of bloggers. IRL we're all introverts, whereas online we're able to be more open.

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  9. I have always taken things too much to heart. Say something that I may take the wrong way, and you'll not see me for dust!
    I trust in people far too much, telling them things that are painful to me, and it gets turned around so that it looks like I am in the wrong. This has caused me lots of hurt over these past few months that I have been blogging, so I guess it is best just to keep myself to myself.
    You have to really know me to know me, but I find it hard to let people in. Nuff said.

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  10. I see a lot of conflict in you. I think I used to be like that. Then I just got used to being obnoxious, weird and then stopped caring.

    And I think that's the other weird thing about me is that online or offline, I'm pretty much the same. I guess that's the only way I'm consistent.

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  11. Screw relationships. I don't need the headaches.

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  12. I write the most eloquent beautiful letters you ever read in your life, yet when I am in a crowd of people, I can't think of a thing to say. Writing brings out the best of us, I guess.

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  13. I can't imagine you being shy in real life! I think I'm the other way round, I'm pretty good at talking to people in real life, but I can't articulate it very well in writing as I think too many thoughts all at once and my writing ends up being all inconstant and non-sensical!

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  14. It was you that told me not to dwell too much on the events of the past and that we evolve to become better people than we used to be. Sometimes it is just better to take a deep breath and just say "Fuck it. I did my best".

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