I am weird. I'm not just saying that. I am actually pretty weird. In a few ways really. I can convince you that I'm a wonderful and special person and likeable, even loveable, and then try and take it all back and insist I'm not. Insist that you should leave me alone before I hurt you. I want acceptance and love, yet at the same time I don't want it. I can convince you that I'm a wholly good and innocent person when I know I'm not, and then try and convince you I'm not. Which you then won't believe. The greatest trick the devil ever did was convince the world he doesn't exist. I am the devil. In that sense. Its not even that I push people away with one hand pull them in with the other. Its that I push you away while begging you to stay. Or I hold on to while telling you to get away while you can.
Someone once left me saying she cared too much about me to hurt me. I found the notion insane because she was hurting me right there. But I understand those feelings now. The thought that you can care about someone so much that you don't want to hurt them. So you'd rather just tell them to go away and be done with it. There are a few things wrong with this though. I already pointed out one. You're still hurting them. You're hurting yourself too. For no real reason. The other point is that its not really up to you to decide that.
Just like you can care about someone so much you're willing to hurt them now to save them from pain down the road, there are people who care enough about you to risk being hurt. There are people who can see the good in you, and are willing to bet that side of you will win out in the end. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this was. It sort of changed gears halfway through. This is what I get for writing it in two goes instead of writing the whole thing at once.
This is just something I wrote while talking to someone and I had a burst of inspiration because I was doing that thing I do where I tell someone I'm not good at something. In this specific case it was talking. I might talk a fair bit online, and in blog posts, but if you try to talk to me IRL, I'm incredibly quiet, shy, and docile. The only times I'm not really is when I'm trying to bring someone out of their shell.
P.S I haven't forgotten about the questions thing, I'm just trying to save them. More on that at a later date.