Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Ugh

Damn I'm sorry about the way this place has been recently. I've been more depressed than ever. That's putting it simply really. I've even been haunted more than ever by the stuff I said I'd never tell you guys about. Hell, I almost talked about it actually. I was ready to write the entire story. To be honest though it's not something I likes sharing, and it's something I don't want everyone to know. I know how people will react and respond to it, and I don't want any of that.

Nothing in particular has really set it off. I've been handling things rather well lately. Other than my lack of weight loss which continues to depress me. I still consider it the first major step in loving myself. Finding myself physically appealing. To be able to look in the mirror, and think other people could find me attractive. Hell, to be able to look in a mirror would be nice. I'm slightly convinced the problem is psychological. I'm eating right, I'm exercising more than ever, and still, it refuses to budge. I think psychological aspects can affect weight loss anyway.

I've never actually been a comfort eater. I just made a lot of poor eating choices. Eating too much of some things, and not enough of another. That has changed since I started tracking everything I eat. I even bought jam to have instead of butter. The butter I have is low fat (yay for dairy free products) but it's still quite fattening. I just have no butter at all mostly these days.

Anyway, away from the subject of food and weight. You might be wondering why I disabled comments. Well the reason was two fold really. One, I was in such a state that to see sympathy from you people would have angered me, not helped. Which would have depressed me further. Well, the sympathy would have either pissed me off, or depressed me straight away. I still don't accept that people can and do care about me.

The other reason was that I just didn't want to answer any awkward or uncomfortable questions. I felt that given the nature of my posts recently, I would have been asked some things I did not want to answer. You know how I am, if I get asked something, I just have to answer.

I'm far from fine, I'm probably not even close to "better", but I got tired of the self pity. I had to stop myself before I reached depths I didn't want to, and said some things I would have regretted. I'm not repressing anything, I'm just...well, I don't even know. Thank you for your patience. To everyone who emailed and tweeted me, and even went to old posts to comment there (I think I count about 3 or 4 total) I thank you even more.

I love you guys, I really do.

22 comments:

  1. It's okay. It'll take time to regain trust.

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  2. I believe a lot of people do care Mark.

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  3. I would say "Cheer up buddy, things will get better!" but I don't know you well enough so I'm not going to. I'm not going to pretend to even know what's bothering you or why you are depressed. Sometimes things just are what they are.

    But I do know that your mood can and does affect the ability to lose weight. I've battled depression myself lately and I understand how it really brings you down.

    One thing I've noticed here on blogger is that people really do care, whether you want to believe it or not. I often find myself praying for people I have never met.

    Just know that you're not alone and support is here when you choose to accept it.

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  4. whoa. you really don't sound okay to me Mark. Cheer up!!! I'm back for good :)

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  5. Well, what you could do with all these things you want to write about, but aren't sure if you are ready to tell them... you could start working on a book, or something like that, and "write the entire story." Then you don't have to keep all those feelings bottled up. But you don't have to publish it for the rest of the world until you feel the time is right. I did something similar to this with writing letters to a friend who had left me. I would miss them... so, I would write them a letter, and not send it to them till I felt ready. Eventually, I realized I was never going to get back a response, but I still kept writing the letters...and then sending them when I felt up to it. I did feel bad that I never got a response, but looking back in retrospect it helped me. I think if I would have left all those feelings inside me festering I would be in a much worse shape today.

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  6. What you’re doing—writing—is excellent therapy, Mark. It’s good to express your feelings. You’d be surprised just how many others can relate.

    When you’re in the depths of depression, it’s hard to accept that people (especially relative strangers on the Internet) care. By nature, I believe we’re all good and genuinely care about each other, especially when we know someone is hurting—even if we don’t personally know the person.

    Please remember that things always get better, Mark. Always. I know it’s damn tough to realize this at the darkest of times, but it’s true. Life cycles, so what goes down must come up. You’ll be back up again soon. I feel sure of it. :)

    --Susan

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  7. I'd like to echo what Dan said - I think what I found most surprising on Blogger is that, for the most part, people really do care. Maybe it's because we all write? I don't honestly know...but...once I began writing, and people began commenting, I found that people genuinely do tend to care and can offer up words of encouragement and support. People pray, write and stop by - just because...so, if you can find yourself able to - reach out. I think you'll be surprised how many of us are here on a day to day basis. =)

    Hugs, Mark!

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  8. Real quick, since I'm leaving for my grandparents' place in a few minutes.
    We know Mark, and we love you too. <3

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  9. i hear you man. Building self confidence and self esteem is a lot harder than it seems

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  10. if i may be so bold...it sounds like you are struggling with the same thing that i am, which is accepting ourselves just the way we are, and not withholding love from ourselves until we think we have earned it. may i suggest fighting to love and accept yourself just the way you are, right now? i know it sounds like an impossible order (because i am struggling to do the same thing myself) but you are awesome and special and worth it right now, mark :) don't give up!

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  11. I was wondering about the comments. Thanks for clearing that up.

    And, stress/depression slows down your metabolism, so that's likely the reason you're not seeing much results.

    I wish I could offer some advice for your depression, but I'm sure what I have to say will fall in line with everyone else. I've luckily never had to deal with heavy depression, so I can't really speak from experience. All I can say is that things will get better although it doesn't seem possible at the moment.

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  12. Mark, you have to try and get back to your old self, and only you can do that. We all have problems that we just try and work through, so don't be too hard on yourself.
    Eating properly is important too, even if it is only a "smoothie" you will be getting the vitamins ans minerals that your body needs. Not forgetting plenty of rest, not that I know much, but I DO know that you never stop thinking.
    Maybe a visit to your Doctors will put your mind at ease.
    We are all here for you.

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  13. Don't be so sad Mark. Listen to all the tips here. People care about you :)

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  14. Yay! Comments are re-enabled :)
    I think it takes feeling the really low days to truly appreciate the really good ones. You wont feel like this forever! don't worry about your appearance! EVERYONE has insecurities, trust me. It'll get beter once you do look in the mirror and accept your self. How can you expect anyone to love you unless you start loving yourself :D

    But don;t worry, your loyal followers are here to cheer you up :D

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  15. Eat whatever you want. Just exercise a lot and you'll do two things: burn the calories and build muscle. WIN-WIN. You aren't going into work, right? So it sounds to me like you have nothing to keep you "busy" except what you make up yourself.

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  16. In my case, the most important thing about weight loss is not the way I exercise or what I eat, but discipline. When weight keeps refusing to bow down but you're very sure you have done it right, just don't stop, it takes time.

    Good luck Mark! (:

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  17. Once you get sucked into the dark hole of depression, it's hard finding your way out again. You know, I totally understand you disabled comments. Sometimes you don't want to see people pitying you and therefore I'm not going to pity you - and I don't. You're a strong person going through some rough times. *hugs'

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  18. I mean, I care, but if it would help I am REALLY good at being a total bitch! (and hang in there..i totally know how you feel and it is frustrating as hell.)

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  19. Hang in there Mark. Yeah I know we're just a collection of random internet people but we're here to hear you out.

    And don't worry, you're not the only one who looks into a mirror and feels like crap. I look like a starved African. :|

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  20. Like everyone else has been saying, I hope you feel better too. And I totally know that feeling about wanting to turn off comments. I've been so tempted to do that for a few posts. But then I get lazy and decide not to, lol.

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  21. I never saw this post. How did I miss it? Thankfully, you are feeling better. There's nothing worse that depression in the summer. It feels off. The sun beating down on an achy body, the heat making the exhaustion worse. I know all this. I was there yesterday.

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