Damn I'm sorry about the way this place has been recently. I've been more depressed than ever. That's putting it simply really. I've even been haunted more than ever by the stuff I said I'd never tell you guys about. Hell, I almost talked about it actually. I was ready to write the entire story. To be honest though it's not something I likes sharing, and it's something I don't want everyone to know. I know how people will react and respond to it, and I don't want any of that.
Nothing in particular has really set it off. I've been handling things rather well lately. Other than my lack of weight loss which continues to depress me. I still consider it the first major step in loving myself. Finding myself physically appealing. To be able to look in the mirror, and think other people could find me attractive. Hell, to be able to look in a mirror would be nice. I'm slightly convinced the problem is psychological. I'm eating right, I'm exercising more than ever, and still, it refuses to budge. I think psychological aspects can affect weight loss anyway.
I've never actually been a comfort eater. I just made a lot of poor eating choices. Eating too much of some things, and not enough of another. That has changed since I started tracking everything I eat. I even bought jam to have instead of butter. The butter I have is low fat (yay for dairy free products) but it's still quite fattening. I just have no butter at all mostly these days.
Anyway, away from the subject of food and weight. You might be wondering why I disabled comments. Well the reason was two fold really. One, I was in such a state that to see sympathy from you people would have angered me, not helped. Which would have depressed me further. Well, the sympathy would have either pissed me off, or depressed me straight away. I still don't accept that people can and do care about me.
The other reason was that I just didn't want to answer any awkward or uncomfortable questions. I felt that given the nature of my posts recently, I would have been asked some things I did not want to answer. You know how I am, if I get asked something, I just have to answer.
I'm far from fine, I'm probably not even close to "better", but I got tired of the self pity. I had to stop myself before I reached depths I didn't want to, and said some things I would have regretted. I'm not repressing anything, I'm just...well, I don't even know. Thank you for your patience. To everyone who emailed and tweeted me, and even went to old posts to comment there (I think I count about 3 or 4 total) I thank you even more.
I love you guys, I really do.