Tuesday, 12 June 2012

To Be Honest

To be honest there were a fair few "T"'s I could think of. Maybe if I get some of my motivation back I can write some of them to fall back on after I finish the Z post. Then again that just seems further away each day. They won't be all that irrelevant either even if I wait a while to make them.

To be honest I was actually considering a more permanent break yesterday. Like I said though, I can't stop this. If I stop this, then I won't start again. I stopped going to work, and didn't go in for six months. I stopped going again, and I don't know how long it's been since I was last there. Time off does one no good, because nothing changes in absence. Everything remains the same. Everything remains broken. Time may heal all wounds, but some take longer than others, especially when they're constantly being reopened. With every post I make, with every word I write, every letter even, I become more pathetic. I become more pitiable.

To be honest, this is not very becoming of me. This is not who I am. Or, is it? I guess it must be if it's who I am acting like. Who I am becoming. Who, inside, I always was. Maybe I am destined to be a pathetic, angry, convoluted mess with occasional bursts of happiness instead of the other way around. Maybe I was never meant to be happy.

But I know that is wrong. I have some happiness in my life. I have my friends. I have my music, my games. The things that make me smile and laugh.

To be honest, I need them now more than ever. What am I? Not who, what. I know WHO I am. I am me. But what does that make me? Anything I want to be. What do I want to be? Everything people think of me. Strong, brave, tough, caring, kind. Does that mean I am that, because I choose to be? You tell me. No, it doesn't. Why not? These things require effort. It's all well and good to say that you want to do something, or be something, but it takes effort. It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes you being honest with yourself. Now you're getting it. So, why are you not honest with yourself? With others for that matter? Because I'm not as bad as I make myself out to be, and I have trouble accepting that. Despite how good and kind I am, I see nothing special in it. No need for praise. But I want praise sometimes, I want recognition. I want to know I am doing the right thing. But even if someone praises you, you won't believe it. So why want that? Because I hope one day I will believe it. I hope that someone will say something nice about me, and I'll believe it. Why don't you believe it already? I've hurt others. I continue to do so. Sometimes just my presence is enough to hurt them. Everyone hurts people. Everyone does it without meaning to. Look at some of your comic book heroes. Spiderman had Mary Jane, and she was always in danger for knowing him. Gwen Stacey even died because she knew him. Does that make him a bad person. No, it doesn't. So why does it make you one? I hurt people. What else can I be? You can be human. You can make mistakes. You can accept that there are people who care enough about you that they don't mind if they get hurt. They want to be around you, and you know you want them around too. I know I want them around, but what if they don't want me? What if they want to hurt me? Then you get hurt. You've been hurt before, and you lived through it. If they didn't want to be around you, they wouldn't talk to you. They wouldn't deal with you. Sometimes you push people to that point, where they don't want anything to do with you. Why? It's better that way. They can leave before I hurt them, or they hurt me. There's always the chance someone won't get hurt you know. I know that. Then why not take it? Because there's the chance people will get hurt. We've already been over this. People get hurt all the time, for various reasons. They pick themselves back up, dust themselves off, and try again. Every time I try again it seems to go wrong again. That's not totally true and you know it. You keep making the same mistakes. Learn from them, and don't repeat them. I can't help it. Yes, you can if you try harder. Every time I try, I fail. Not every time. Things worked out just fine before. Just because something is rare, does not make it impossible to have. You and your friendships are proof of that. Why can't you just treat more people like you treat her? She's different. How so? She's closer to me than anyone. Why is that? Because we've opened up to eachother, we've known eachother for so long, and I trust her completely. A courtesy I offer no one else. Well, if you just opened up to people more then you could have that with others. I don't want it with others. Why? I want her to remain special. Why? She means more to me than anyone. She's the one person I haven't driven away. Because she actually cares about you, and you her. She loves you. Other people do too. Not in the way that I want. That's the thing. It's a want, not a need. Right now, you have to learn to love yourself. You don't accept that anyone can love you, because you don't love yourself. That is where you start. The rest will follow in it's own time. Some things cannot be rushed. You cannot hope to feed off someone else's love for you, and make it your own. You have to love yourself, and know that other people will too. You have to trust yourself as well. But that's a whole other issue, and this has dragged on for long enough. Thank you. Hey, no problem. I'm you. Just take my advice this time, will ya? I shall try. Do or do not, there is no try. That's rubbish and we both know that. Yeah, you're right. Say, you wanna grab a beer? Sure, why not. Wait, which one of us controls the arms? Both I think. I mean, we have both been typing here. Oh yeah. Well this rounds on me anyway. Of course it is. It's technically on me too. Yeah yeah yeah. Let's just get out of here. You got it. 

Sorry about how long this got. If anyone actually read all of it, then I thank you. It took me over half an hour to write. Probably the longest I've spent writing a blog post before.


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