Wednesday, 30 May 2012

To be honest I almost didn't publish this. I wrote it last night and I decided to sleep on it. If you follow me on Twitter you probably saw me mention the most emotional post I've ever written, which would never be published. Last night though I barely got any sleep at all, probably over this even. I feel emotionally drained enough to post it, and let down my defences for once. I'm actually going to add a little more to it.

It's no (pun intended) secret that I have trouble saying no. I say no to drugs obviously. But I don't say no easy to a person's request. To people themselves. I've done some things I don't want to, and stretched myself way too far just by refusing to refuse something. I know most of the reason I do it to. In fact the song I'm listening to right now sums it up. I Want To Be Loved by Bon Jovi. It's well known I am a people pleaser. I will do anything and everything I can for someone. I am a good guy, sure, but part of it is also my endless search for acceptance and admiration. I want to be wanted, and I need to be needed. I've been used before, but really who hasn't? I have no trouble at all saying that I come in to someone's life when they need someone like me, and then they leave after I have improved them. You can call me egotistical for thinking that, but it's amazing how much you can change a person just by being there for them, and by doing things for them. By being used by them I guess.

This has left me as well with serious abandonment issues. If you've talked to me off of the blog, you can probably tell I come on very strong, at least at first. I talk to you at every opportunity and then I'll either die down, or just stop. I take it upon myself to push you away before I am pushed away by you, and I feel abandoned again. But here's the fun thing. It hurts no less. It still hurts just as much if you push someone away yourself, or if they push you away. All that matters is that you've still lost them. All that matters is that they're further away than they should be, and it's still your fault. You did this to yourself. There are many fates worse than death, and self imposed solitude is certainly one of them.

What's even funnier is that the only people who are worth my time, who won't leave me behind, are the ones who won't mind if I say no. Are the ones who won't make me feel like some kind of asshole for not doing what they want. Though even some of those people have left me behind. I need to allow myself the possibility of being hurt. There's a chance I won't be, right? But potentially being hurt can lead to happiness. Deliberately getting hurt can only lead to further depression.

Jessica is probably the only person I am truly close to. She's the only person who after so long, has still not abandoned me. Who is still there. Sometimes I feel like I don't appreciate that enough, don't appreciate her enough. I'm so quick to open up, and yet so quick to keep myself hidden, and protected. I'm so quick to take back everything. I'm quick to deny to myself and to others that I might feel something. I don't want to. I don't want to be hurt again. To get back to songs, it's like Hurt by Johnny Cash (yes I'm aware that it was by Nine Inch Nails but if they're going to say it's a Johnny Cash song then so am I) "Everyone I know, goes away, in the end."

I'm going to pull you towards me with one hand, and push you away with the other. I'm going to want to get close to you, and be afraid of it at the same time. I'm going to try and be by myself, and refuse to let someone in. I'm going to deny everything. I'm going to feel and not let it be known.

For that, I am sorry.

Stick with me.

Please?

I'm worth it in the end. I think. If I wasn't why would Jessica have stuck with me for so long? She must have found something that was worth not giving up on. She's given up on people herself a few times, and tells me off for not giving up on people myself. I won't though.

28 comments:

  1. Oh damn i thought i was the first comment but you are approving..well damn, that ruins my whole day. Oh well. Anyway, great entry. I am glad you shared it. I was going to quote the Johnny Cash song in my comment because I was thinking of it...but you were thinking of it too. Well, I am older than you and virtually every friend I have ever had has abandoned me. Now I am in one of those periods well I have no friends at all (I mean besides blogger friends that I don't see in person) because everyone has left me for dead...AGAIN. I don't know if this is bad luck or there is something wrong with me or whatever... But now I am just at the point where I think I have to find my own meaning in life not through others but through myself, and maybe then when I just become the person I should be...friends and soulmates or whatever they are will just appear. This is what I'm hoping anyway. I know there are people who have met their soulmate or best friend or whomever...and some of them have met that person in pre-school and have these types of relationships throughout life, and others are lucky if they ever have that type of friendship. I am yet to figure it out, but a lot of your posts and your insights do help me, and make me feel better about these types of issues, so thank you.

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  2. First of all, let me say that it's a good thing you publish posts like these. It allows for better insight into your way of thinking about things, so we can better help you if you're having problems with anything. Also teaches people more stuff about people pleasers in general, I'd say.

    I have a strong tendency to go and be a people pleaser too, so I can see where you're coming from. In fact, thanks to you I just now realised that I may be one for the same reason as you: I want to be wanted. Not so much the needed part, 'cause it gets me down to see people desperately in need of someone, but still. So, thanks for that. Guess there's still a lot about myself I don't yet know.

    So yeah, I can see where you're coming from. However, I also know that you can't fill others' with an empty cup. It's important that you're fully feeling happy and all yourself first. Otherwise you'll just end op draining yourself more and more, up to the point that you're getting really depressed at times, and all of your attempts to please fail miserably. (Been there, done that.)

    And don't push people away. You know how shit it feels when someone pushes you away? That may be a feeling they get when you do it to them. If they push you away after you've worked hard for them, after you've pulled them through hard times, then they're being a bit of a huge dick here. Just leaving people like that, as if you used them, is not a cool thing to do. I'd say those kinds of people don't deserve your time, 'cause there's way nicer folks out there who could use your aid, and they'd actually be really grateful and return the favour, and not throw you away like a disposable camera who's done its done.

    From the sound of it, you also pushed away a few nice people in the process. But that's okay, we all make mistakes. If you miss them, try getting in touch with them again. I'm sure they can forgive you after all you've done for them.

    One more thing came to mind with the abandonment part. It's more of a personal view than anything else, but I'll throw it in here anyway.
    Good friends stick together, even after times of no contact, they'll somehow get in touch again and try to keep it that way. Good example here is you and Jessica. Friendship perseveres, it doesn't die out when you lose daily contact. (Hence why I'm intending to keep in regular touch after we all go our separate ways once we graduate.)

    Self-imposed solitude sicks. Any kind of solitude does, for that matter. And it's weird to see how that always happens to the best of people. You're a hero Mark. You're a fucking hero, and you know it. The fate of solitude is one that isn't to be bestowed upon a character from the main cast. It simply doesn't work that way. Your part of the story will come, and when it does, you'll shine with the power of a thousand suns.

    Hang in there man. And remember, wether you push or pull or tear me apart, I'm here for you.

    (Also, smart move on the comment moderation.)

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  3. So I read this post once.. and then I read it again. I don't really know what to say, even though I can relate to some of it. I'm scared to let people down too, people pleaser is a good way to put.
    I'm not really sure if this was addressed to someone in particular and I don't know you personally but I've been reading your blog for quite some time and I think you're pretty incredible :)
    So glad you have a faithful friend like Jessica who has stuck by you and I'm sure if you let them, there are others who will do the same!

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  4. I think it's beautiful that you've allowed yourself to be so open with us, and so vulnerable. That takes courage and strength. I was a lot like you. To an extent, I still am. I pushed people away, and when they finally left, it hurt, but I felt I was protecting myself by driving them to it. If they left because I built walls, then they left because it became too difficult to know me. I would never have to watch them leave because they didn't like me. They didn't reject me. They rejected my walls. The thing is, I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I knew I hurt myself far worse than anyone else could. I was afraid of myself. Of what I would come to learn from having them in my life. I was afraid of hurting them. But isn't that what I was doing by forcing them to leave me? I don't know.

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  5. Reaching out to people is a good thing, sacrificing yourself for them is another and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I'll get close to people, but I don't let them "in" if that makes sense. I have a rule about waiting a year and watching how a person interacts not just with me, but with other people, before I allow them "in". Not very many people have ever made it past that year mark.

    I'll stick with you and your blog Mark, you're a good person and worth it.

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  6. If you are close to someone, you feel comfy saying no.

    Probably why I'd say no to anyone.

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  7. Wait, really?
    Really Mark?
    Approval comments now?
    Is this how it is?
    You don't care about free speech now, huh?
    Becoming like the US government, eh?

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  8. We all have these times. And consider you lucky since you have Jessica

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  9. Aww Mark, I wondered what this post was going to be about man, don't feel bad for posting it, it's definitely a good thing to let your feelings out. I've been used before mate, I met a girl who lost everything in her life, she was pregnant, alone, scared, her boyfriend had left her and all this stuff and I picked her up and helped her and when things got better, then she left and it hurt.

    The thing is man, being a people pleaser doesn't work, sometimes it's best to let somebody make their own decisions and to not be there for them, as hard, or even as impossible as that sounds. It really says a lot about our "wonderful," society, about people in general doesn't it? Seriously though dude, don't let people use you, they're not worth it, especially when you've been hurt before.

    Work towards pleasing the ones who stick around like Jessica who've been there through it all, they're the really good ones, trust me buddy.

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  10. wow, so much of this resonates with me. I too have found myself sabotaging relationships/friendships because I could feel myself becoming too attached and knowing that it would eventually end I would be a real bitch. That way, I had the power to end it before I was the one left.
    Fact, nothing in life is constant. Friendships come and go, some stay for a life time, some serve some sort of purpose and then fade away.
    Some burn hot and others just smolder, remain warm and comforting.
    One thing I know, you have to take risks, take the chance you might get hurt sometime in the future because if you don't take the risk, you might miss something wonderful.

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  11. Hey there Mark, I've been through a lot of what you describe. I used to fight everyone's battles for them, if a friend needed me I was there no matter what and with huge passion too... and... I got hurt a lot! Really hurt.

    So now I'm careful. I'm still very enthusiastic for me friends, I still go out of my way to make people happy, but I never really let anyone in enough to get me in the soft spot. Sometimes I think I've put up too big of a wall - but, on the other hand, it feels safer.

    There must be a balance for this sort of thing - you and I will have to keep searching ;-)

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  12. Sometimes it is hard to find the right balance. I am pushing 40 and there are still times when I know I am compromising what I need to make others happy because I don't want them to hate me. If this is any help, I always read what you have to write, even if I don't leave a comment (because sometimes I am reading from my phone and it isn't very conducive to commenting) I am here. Every day. And I am not planning on going anywhere. You certainly seem to have the right attitude and thoughts about things.

    Hope this helps...hang tough!!!

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  13. Hang in there, there are more good people to keep hanging around in this world then what it seems!

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  14. you're definitvely worth it, Mark! Yeah sure I don't know you in real life and stuff like that but you seem like such an AWESOME person and kindhearted and genuine seriously! Sometimes you know, it's better to say no though you really want to please people. For your best, you should say no especially if it's not something YOU want to do. And to those who've abandoned you, well fuck em! it's their loss in the end.

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  15. Wow, this was a very deep post. Without replying with a post of my own, let me just say that I can relate to everything you wrote here.

    Everything.

    Thanks for sharing.

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  16. We all do that to some extent Mark, test people. How far can I push you and you still come back - and like you say sometimes you gotta take a risk.

    But, if it's always been like that look up "attachment theory", because sometimes identifying the cause of the problem is the biggest step towards correcting it.

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  17. just say NO really loud ;-) oh and i read this twice "I Want To Be Loved by Bon Jovi", if you take it out of the sentence...well...

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  18. Mark,

    This was a beautiful, open and honest post. You shared so deeply about yourself and I know it was difficult for you. I hope that you felt better after you wrote all of this down. For me, writing is cathartic, it's healing, it's soothing. Isolation can be dangerous and I'm glad you see that and have someone in your real life too. Good for you for putting this out there. I hope for better days for you.

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  19. Sometimes it is better to actually know who to keep close to you and who to keep at arms length.
    I know from our conversations that sometimes you tend to force things out of people, then they feel hurt and abused. I know I am far too open about myself chatting than is good for me, but believe me, Mark, I'm always here for you. ;)

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  20. Dude, you're most definitely worth it in the end!
    It's sad that people have used and abused you, but it takes a lot of guts to openly admit that instead of being in denial about it, and was very admirable of you to say all this on your blog!

    You can;t be a doormat for everyone to walk all over you. Throughout this post, one line from Fall Out Boys 'Sugar we're going down' came to mind:
    'I've been dying to tell you everything you want to hear, cuz that's just who I am this week'.

    You;ve got Jesswho appreciates your worth, you;ve got us, you're adoring followers ;) and there'll be people in the future :D

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  21. This is a ballsy post, and I agree with it. I know (LOLZ!) that feel. I have slowly been drifting away from it, because I have become jaded and cynical. I have pushed away almost everyone, and yet still, I'm pushing away those who have not left yet.

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  22. It must have took a lot of balls to type that out let alone publish it. You're a good person Mark, no matter what you may think.

    I'll still be around to read about you, I'm not going anywhere.

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  23. we're totally quite opposite Mark. I don't and never hesitate to say no to anyone regardless of the closeness I have with a person. It pisses them off since everytime I ask them a favor they can't say no but when table is turned, I don't do the same. HAHA!

    sometimes, it pains me to say no but I think it's not that bad to say no once in a while esp. if you don't feel like saying yes :) aye? :)

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  24. Dude, I'm proud of you.

    I wish I had something useful to say but I suck at that. :/.
    Either way, I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you mean. I don't do it consciously but I hardly ever really let anyone in, and it's rewarded me with the nagging feeling of being inside of a group but not truly part of it. Like nobody would really notice if I stepped ten feet away and just stood there. It's not a good experiment because when or if it turns out that is actually the case, it basically breaks me.

    But don't worry. We're going to stick by you. Not sure if this truly counts because after all, we're only 'internet friends', but you're not gonna get rid of us anytime soon. :').

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  25. Man, I used to feel exactly the same thing. Every time you lose someone, just find someone else. If you can even find one person who accepts you for who you are, then that'll make it easier to find another one. It's just getting that first one that's the hard part. It took me a couple of years, but now I can pretty safely say that I don't suffer this problem anymore because I persisted.

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