To be honest I almost didn't publish this. I wrote it last night and I decided to sleep on it. If you follow me on Twitter you probably saw me mention the most emotional post I've ever written, which would never be published. Last night though I barely got any sleep at all, probably over this even. I feel emotionally drained enough to post it, and let down my defences for once. I'm actually going to add a little more to it.
It's no (pun intended) secret that I have trouble saying no. I say no to drugs obviously. But I don't say no easy to a person's request. To people themselves. I've done some things I don't want to, and stretched myself way too far just by refusing to refuse something. I know most of the reason I do it to. In fact the song I'm listening to right now sums it up. I Want To Be Loved by Bon Jovi. It's well known I am a people pleaser. I will do anything and everything I can for someone. I am a good guy, sure, but part of it is also my endless search for acceptance and admiration. I want to be wanted, and I need to be needed. I've been used before, but really who hasn't? I have no trouble at all saying that I come in to someone's life when they need someone like me, and then they leave after I have improved them. You can call me egotistical for thinking that, but it's amazing how much you can change a person just by being there for them, and by doing things for them. By being used by them I guess.
This has left me as well with serious abandonment issues. If you've talked to me off of the blog, you can probably tell I come on very strong, at least at first. I talk to you at every opportunity and then I'll either die down, or just stop. I take it upon myself to push you away before I am pushed away by you, and I feel abandoned again. But here's the fun thing. It hurts no less. It still hurts just as much if you push someone away yourself, or if they push you away. All that matters is that you've still lost them. All that matters is that they're further away than they should be, and it's still your fault. You did this to yourself. There are many fates worse than death, and self imposed solitude is certainly one of them.
What's even funnier is that the only people who are worth my time, who won't leave me behind, are the ones who won't mind if I say no. Are the ones who won't make me feel like some kind of asshole for not doing what they want. Though even some of those people have left me behind. I need to allow myself the possibility of being hurt. There's a chance I won't be, right? But potentially being hurt can lead to happiness. Deliberately getting hurt can only lead to further depression.
Jessica is probably the only person I am truly close to. She's the only person who after so long, has still not abandoned me. Who is still there. Sometimes I feel like I don't appreciate that enough, don't appreciate her enough. I'm so quick to open up, and yet so quick to keep myself hidden, and protected. I'm so quick to take back everything. I'm quick to deny to myself and to others that I might feel something. I don't want to. I don't want to be hurt again. To get back to songs, it's like Hurt by Johnny Cash (yes I'm aware that it was by Nine Inch Nails but if they're going to say it's a Johnny Cash song then so am I) "Everyone I know, goes away, in the end."
I'm going to pull you towards me with one hand, and push you away with the other. I'm going to want to get close to you, and be afraid of it at the same time. I'm going to try and be by myself, and refuse to let someone in. I'm going to deny everything. I'm going to feel and not let it be known.
For that, I am sorry.
Stick with me.
I'm worth it in the end. I think. If I wasn't why would Jessica have stuck with me for so long? She must have found something that was worth not giving up on. She's given up on people herself a few times, and tells me off for not giving up on people myself. I won't though.