Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Super-Pervert (A Totally NSFW Guest Post)


I think that you guys will get a laugh out of this, but seriously, I'm going to have to give it a PG-13 rating, at least. It's by our good friend Pickleope, so you know what kind of crazy stuff to expect. Remember folks, it's all a joke! Don't kill me or him.
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Firstly, let me thank the Rambling Person himself for allowing me the opportunity to sully his corner of the internet. And sully I shall.

Knowing how depraved adolescent boys just discovering the joys of their penis are, can you imagine what Superman was like when he was in his early teens? All his origin stories focus on him running around a farm, lifting tractors and such, but they overlook what happens when he discovered his powers and his wiener at the same time. Sure, he’d probably stop a 3-story tall rampaging robot, but he’d also be masturbating constantly (he’d never get chafed, he’s freaking invulnerable). No one would look at him like a hero if they knew what he got up to when he was exploring his super-sexuality. “Sure, he saved that bus full of kids, but did you see that video of him supersonically masturbating on the moon? That dude’s messed up.”
Besides, aren’t all teenagers cynical dicks? He wouldn’t be running around the globe saving people. Emo-Superboy would be in his room listening to the Smiths, bemoaning overpopulation and putting holes in the ceiling with his super-ejaculate. He’d probably fly to Hollywood first chance he had, buy a map of the stars homes, then put his x-ray vision to use super-peeping on everyone from Miley Cyrus to Betty White (Betty White is everywhere nowadays, even Superman’s pervert list. Why won’t she just retire?).
He wouldn’t waste his time catching every dummy reporter that falls off a roof; he’d use his super-speed to selfishly help his favorite sports team.
Besides, the more you “save the day”, the more it becomes expected. Then when you fail those expectations, people start complaining that Superman is never around when you need him. Who needs that headache? If you save the occasional old lady from being hit by a car then piss-off for a few months, people will fawn all over you. Let’s not act like he doesn’t have a massive ego, prancing around in that ostentatious cape. Superman LOVES the attention.
He’s also an alien, so how can we be so sure all his parts are in the same place? The bulge in his underpants might be another hand for all we know and his sex organs are on his calf. For that matter, is his physiology the same? What if he only has oral bowel movements? Or his belly button sneezes (that would be really weird, think about it).

On the other side of the equation is Batman. Dude was so focused on getting revenge and training that he was probably a virgin until he ran into Catwoman. By then he had to have been damn near 30. But he certainly had a toy or two in that utility belt to get him through a lonely night. Or maybe his sexual urges were too much of a distraction from his ultimate cause and so, “Bat-Chop!” Batman’s a self-inflicted castrato.

I think what we’ve learned here is that you shouldn’t watch a superhero movie with me as I’ll probably spend most of the time talking about the protagonists underlying perversions. Just wait until the Avengers movie comes out, then we can discuss how boring Captain America would be in bed with his 1940’s sentiments (all missionary with that guy).

Thank you again, Mark, for indulging my special brand of madness. You are a gentleman and way too good for such nerdly musings.
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There's going to be a lot less smut tomorrow. Though I imagine some of you guys may be disappointed by that.

35 comments:

  1. Oh no, alien physiology - the eternal enigma!

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  2. Oh how I adore Pickleope. Major blog crush....
    This was delightfully warped and just a little smutty. Perfect way to start my evenings reading

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  3. Nice blog :) Followed :)

    http://fizzvideo.blogspot.com/

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  4. This guest post is awesome man, Pickleope is great.

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  5. I've always wondered if Superman shot his sperm into a woman would it blow her head off?

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    Replies
    1. I've seen a comic about that actually where Superman says if he made love to a woman, she'd be killed by the force. She doesn't sleep with him but when Wonder Woman says it to a boy he does it anyway and it's just his grave.

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  6. Now I know where the holes in my ceiling came from!

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  7. Superman's bullet-sperm is the reason he needs glasses when he's not saving people.

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  8. Oh.

    Oh wow.

    I never thought of it from that angle before! Oh god, Superemo...

    noooo. No thank you. Listening to the cure and crying all the damn time through his manscara 'cuz no one will ever understand the pain of NOT being able to cut yourself.

    "YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY PAAAAAAAAAIN!"

    Yeah. No.

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  9. I- but- my innoce-
    oh fuck it I'll never look at that hero the same way ever again. ):

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  10. NSFW!?! What, you work in a convent? This is how my morning meetings go. Did I mention I work for Larry Flynt?
    Thank you again and I apologize for smutting it up. But I watched Smallville and got inspired.

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    Replies
    1. Smallville is amazing and I understand why you got inspired now, you wicked little green thing.

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    2. Hey the smut was awesome. It wasn't totally NSFW but compared to most of what I do, it is.

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  11. I see your point. A teenage Superman with x-ray vision. He didn't have to tie a mirror to his shoes to look up skirts like the boys did when I was in junior high.

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    Replies
    1. I really hope guys didn't actually do that.

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  12. Pickleope- That call about Betty White, totally sexist. You no one talks about Hugh Heffner or Donald Trump? I totally wish that Brad Pitt dump Angelina Jolie and take Betty White as his partner.
    Hail Cougars!
    And I always wondered how come these superheroes who fly from planets to planets never get affected with climate while we cant take a superman ride in six flags without earmuffs. Maybe wearing underpants over the leotard may help.

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  13. Replies
    1. Well that would have made it definitely NSFW

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  14. I had no idea Superman was (is he dead yet?) an alien. My brother tries to get me to read the comics, and watch the movie, but I won't. Not that I don't like graphic novels, I do. Love them, as a matter of fact. I am waiting for The Sandman to be turned into a series, or a movie.

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    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure Superman is still alive, he still makes movies at least. I don't remember how I learned he was an alien, but I don't think it took me too long.

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  15. My comic book heroes have been ruined for me. o_O

    (Although, to be fair, I *was* warned about reading this post with the NSFW rating.)

    -Barb the French Bean

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    Replies
    1. You're lucky that you lasted as long as you did before getting your childhood ruined.

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  16. LMAO I never thought of it this way. haha! liked this post :-)

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  17. Dang I just watched the Captain America movie and was thinking about how he's probably a virgin! (and for that matter Superman probably is still one too!)

    This post (which is fantastic and funny! Way to go Pickleope!) made me think of the line from the movie Mallrats! "I bet Superman blows his load like a shot gun!" and a scene from the comic book The Pro (about a prostitue who becomes a superhero) who gives a Superman rip off a bj and he blows his load into the sky and takes out a plane!

    God I focus too much on superhero sex...

    So yes, I loved this post! (but you said bulge in his pants... I don't remember superman having a bulge. I think he's more like a Ken doll.)

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    Replies
    1. Batman definitely had a bulge. I think Superman got one, but everyone overthinks superhero sex. I don't remember that line from Mallrats but it is a great movie.

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  18. now Emo-Superboy with a Smiths fixation would make a great comic!

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  19. NSFW? I guess I'll read this later when I'm not at my GF's house then, lol.

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  20. Ha ha... that had me laughing. Sure tells the other side of the story.

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  21. In true Pickleope style. Funny as always!

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  22. Bruce Wayne had to keep up the persona of a playboy, I'm sure he had tons of sex before Selena.

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  23. That wasn't super perverted but it still sort of ruins Superman's image. I will never be able to look at superheroes the same way again.

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  24. Lol'd wowow Started grinning after that first sentence

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