In the tradition of Thursday being "Razorblade Day", a tradition that was kind of broken last week but hey it's not really an established one, I'm going to tell you all about my inability to cry. Like I said, get the razorblades.
I've talked about this to Jessie as well, and I'm still not really closer to an answer. She says that tears are a way of letting go, it's a physical sign that we're letting go and moving on, and that some people just don't want to let go. It's no secret I'm a sad and lonely young man, and it makes you wonder just why I would want to hold on to the hurt. Why am I so reluctant to let go, and let it all out? Again, going back to Jessie, she says that there are people who only know hurt, and when hurt is all you know, you don't want to let go of it. I don't think hurt is all I have, but it is what is familiar, it is what is comfortable. I don't know what I gain by staying depressed, and from not letting go, but I guess I can answer that question myself. I can keep hold of what I have.
I get depressed from time to time...all the time. But when I do get down, it isn't long until I've picked myself back up. This is another side of the argument. Maybe the pain isn't as bad as it is in my head, and I'm just not feeling enough to be able to cry. Last week I even tried to make myself cry. I feel anger more than I feel sadness. When I am sad I get angry instead. Despite how sad and depressed I am, I refuse to accept it. I refuse to break down and be sad. I channel it into something else. Typically anger, like I said, at something that happens to be annoying me, or usually the person who made me sad. This just causes me to hurt others though, which makes me feel worse in the long run, and isn't healthy. It's even almost cost me some friendships. May have even actually cost me some.
Sometimes though I just think that I am totally unbreakable. Life can get me down, and it can get on top of me, but it can never break me. Maybe I'm just a lot tougher than I think I am. But sometimes I do think that if I was truly that strong, I would be able to cry.
Sometimes, I really do wish I could cry, and sometimes, I really wonder why I can't. Or just won't.