Thursday, 23 February 2012

Tonight I Wanna Cry

In the tradition of Thursday being "Razorblade Day", a tradition that was kind of broken last week but hey it's not really an established one, I'm going to tell you all about my inability to cry. Like I said, get the razorblades.

I've talked about this to Jessie as well, and I'm still not really closer to an answer. She says that tears are a way of letting go, it's a physical sign that we're letting go and moving on, and that some people just don't want to let go. It's no secret I'm a sad and lonely young man, and it makes you wonder just why I would want to hold on to the hurt. Why am I so reluctant to let go, and let it all out? Again, going back to Jessie, she says that there are people who only know hurt, and when hurt is all you know, you don't want to let go of it. I don't think hurt is all I have, but it is what is familiar, it is what is comfortable. I don't know what I gain by staying depressed, and from not letting go, but I guess I can answer that question myself. I can keep hold of what I have.

I get depressed from time to time...all the time. But when I do get down, it isn't long until I've picked myself back up. This is another side of the argument. Maybe the pain isn't as bad as it is in my head, and I'm just not feeling enough to be able to cry. Last week I even tried to make myself cry. I feel anger more than I feel sadness. When I am sad I get angry instead. Despite how sad and depressed I am, I refuse to accept it. I refuse to break down and be sad. I channel it into something else. Typically anger, like I said, at something that happens to be annoying me, or usually the person who made me sad. This just causes me to hurt others though, which makes me feel worse in the long run, and isn't healthy. It's even almost cost me some friendships. May have even actually cost me some.

Sometimes though I just think that I am totally unbreakable. Life can get me down, and it can get on top of me, but it can never break me. Maybe I'm just a lot tougher than I think I am. But sometimes I do think that if I was truly that strong, I would be able to cry.

Sometimes, I really do wish I could cry, and sometimes, I really wonder why I can't. Or just won't.

75 comments:

  1. You know, there are legitimate medical conditions that render one unable to cry. (And yes, it could honestly have something to do with depression.) Check out this article...http://scienceline.org/2007/04/ask-sergo-nocrying/ And please, make sure you check in with a doctor..ok?? Hang in there.

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    1. I didn't know that, so thank you, but I'm not likely to check in with a doctor any time soon. I just don't like them. Plus I'd have no idea what to say to the guy.

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  2. What about crying at things like sad movies or things that affect others?

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    1. Nope. I can't remember the last time I cried at a movie, or a TV show, or anything really. I'm actually not sure when the last time I cried was.

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  3. I've only seen the Hubby cry once and that was when his cat had to be put to sleep and even then he made himself stop right quick. He also turns his depression into anger. I think society (and fathers) put too much pressure on you guys to stifle your emotions. We women just cry and it feels better after we do.

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    1. I'm not much of a manly man so I don't think it has anything to do with social norms. Plus I hate social norms anyway. Screw normality. I just have a lot of pent up anger.

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  4. I havent cried since the normal shit as a kid. I not to long ago has a very close female friend claim that I didn't care, and said I was "emotionless" then went on to say how she never seen me cry or come close to it. Not the first time this has come up with others.

    Grandfathers funeral
    Funeral of a friend

    etc

    Oh well. I get sad and all that like any normal person, I just have a goddamn good poker face. As quoted by everyone I know.

    /sigh

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    1. I can only remember being at one funeral, my grandmothers. I cried, but that was because my knees hurt, not because I was sad. I guess I didn't really understand death much at that age though. I think if people I knew died, or my pets did, I would probably cry at that. I hope I would cry at that. I'm not exactly emotionless, as anyone who knows me can attest.

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  5. I would still say just do whatever your feeling tells you to.

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    Replies
    1. My feelings tell me to cry but nothing comes out.

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  6. Yeah I agree with Zyu. Though either way I admire that you're able to tough it through.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks, though sometimes I do wish I could just break down.

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  7. sometimes we start to love the pain.
    there time comes when everyone cries in privacy or before someone.

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  8. Dude I really worry about you sometimes. Just, durr. Maybe I shouldn't, 'cause you're still hanging in there somehow. Can't help but feel I need to jump in and cheer you up though. You know where to find me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll always hang in there. Always. Thank you for the concern though :)

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  9. I believe you will cry when you need to. It has been years since I have cried for more than a few seconds. If I needed to cry any more than that, there is nothing I could do to stop it without causing myself more misery. Some people just don't cry. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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    1. I can still cry as a self defense mechanism. When I do start crying that's it, the gates are open and they just won't close again.

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  10. Considering you said before that you don't like sleep because it leaves you vulnerable, maybe you subconsciously feel the same way about crying?

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    1. Seeing as I cry for self defense and to get away with things I'm not sure about that one. Interesting theory though.

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  11. Nothing wrong with being tough so long as you aren't doing it as a way of bottling up your emotions. That will only lead to a meltdown. Me, I'm not the crying type either. I'm more of the anger type, like you. But as long as I can get that anger out properly, then I know I'm on the right path.

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    1. I am prone to bottling up my emotions and it has blown up on me a few times. I do need a proper outlet for my anger though that's for sure.

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  12. being able to cry is a gift, being not is the other kind of gift i suppose. anyway try to listen to Keith Urban's "Tonight I Wanna Cry".
    Relevant for some reason haha

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    1. That is where the title came from. Though oddly enough that is one song I didn't listen to when I wanted to cry. It sums it up pretty well though.

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  13. hmm..if I feel life crying, the usual thing that I would is to watch sad movies and done :D
    maybe you wanna try to watch "My Name Is Khan", it was the first movie ever that really left me bleeding in tears :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not even Lion King could make me cry. That makes everyone cry.

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  14. Sometimes music does it for me, you know in the way you realise the beauty of it, and how impossible such a clear expression should be, and yet it exists. If I've been holding something in for a long time, sometimes music can make me well up.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Music can make me want to cry, but not actually push me over the edge.

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  15. you know, it's good to cry sometimes. Crying your eyes out (as cheesy as it sounds) will can take some weight off of your shoulders. to be honest, i kinda envy your inability to cry. I wish I could do that every time i got mad cause when I get angry, tears start rolling ...

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    1. I envy other people's ability to cry sometimes.

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  16. razorblade day on payday, wat... get some drunk on :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well at least you can afford razorblades.

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  17. Not saying you're weak, but not crying isn't a sign of strength either. You could call it stoicism if you like but emotional fortitude and the ability to cry aren't mutually exclusive.

    As for myself, I cry pretty easy when I come across a sad moment in books or movies. And yet being exuberantly happy is my default setting.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think I live in a balance of both and it can be tipped one way or the other pretty quickly. And easily. I'm kinda stoic but some things can make me really feel.

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  18. When you first said razorblade thursday I thought you ment you shaved once a week, then I clued in.

    Well now you know your problem next step move past it. Now you know why you hate to cry, now cry and see if it changes anything... and realise crying maynot help as much as you think it will.

    3.3 million children starve to death each year. Slowly over months and months they suffer the agony of starvation till finally they slowly pass from this world.

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    1. I shave every few months, I don't grow facial hair so well. The plight of people I don't know doesn't really affect me much. I think if this was as much a problem as I make out then I would have cried by now.

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    2. Try putting yourself in there shoes... not literally cause they're to poor to afford shoes, imagine you live in some poor country and wander the streets as a kid your family is dead or has abandend you, you wander along friendless and alone along streets with no useful knowledge or even much of an unterstanding of the world you live in. Your cold your hungry. Your hunger grows, your pain grows you lose the ability to think clear walk straight and eventually you lie down to sleep but then are two weak to get back up. And days pass as you lie on the ground alone in pain nothing to think about not understanding much of your world and then slowly as you lie cold on the ground you painfully slip into death.

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    3. Nope, nothing. I'm not emotionally involved with them in some way. It's a shame they go through that sure, and no one should, but I'm not about to shed a tear for them.

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    4. don't worry it will seep into your dreams, slowly at first then more so... and one day years from now you will care, and it will haught you...

      Delete
  19. When I was younger and I was sad, I would write a lot. I actually think that blogging is a form of crying in an odd way, just without the tears. I never cry when I write.

    Tears are just a byproduct of crying, but I think that there are other byproducts...like great posts. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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    1. I actually don't like doing really emotional posts like this either, I've only really opened up to the idea recently. I think that true depth and beauty can come from sadness though so I agree with you there.

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  20. I never cried until I got married. After that, everything love related turned me into a huge sap. And I mean, EVERYTHING. It's embarrassing.

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    1. Hehe nothing wrong with crying easy :)

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  21. I only cry when I listen to music.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm going to be very british with my comment. You'll cry when you need to. Don't stress about it. When it happens it'll happen. Or not.

    I do like a good cry myself. I get the tissues out and watch sad movies and have a few hours of self indulgence.

    If I'm going to get all psychotherapist and offer a theory I would probably say that maybe your a little afraid of indulging in it?

    My best friend growing up doesn't cry. At all. Not even at funerals. She always said that she feels pressure in her head when she knows she should be crying. She's an aries. Very strong headed. Any correlation?

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    1. I'm a gemini myself. I feel some pressure sometimes, I tell myself I should probably be crying about something. I don't know if that would stop me from crying though.

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  23. Unfortunately crying for me seems to be part of my daily activities.. Merf. We've had this conversation before you know what I say :)

    It must be bugging you if you tried last week to cry (which I didn't know about) and you're blogging about it.
    Hit me up with a voice note if you wanna talk about it :P Or I
    m sure I could make you cry if you really wanted me to :P

    Tay
    x

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Please don't make me cry. I didn't talk to you about it because you were asleep at the time. I talked about it on here last Sunday actually too. I'll see if I can do the voice note. Which means I'll probably do it.

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  24. crying is just one way of releasing stress, a young man like yourself i find myself feeling similar to you, except that i think i cry too much and too often, its annoying and the people around me get annoyed by it :( i wish the best for you and i hope things get better

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    1. Things never seem likely to pick up for me. I sometimes do wish I could cry more. I don't see a problem with people who cry easily.

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  25. How about when you chop onions?

    I have a very pragmatic outlook on the world and cry very rarely... maybe it's just how you are wired

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Could just be how I'm wired but I used to cry all the time.

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  26. I'm the complete opposite. I cry when it's completely unnecessary at times! I'm a wuss in films aswell. I cried during Ong bak 2 for Gods sake! I don;t think it's necessarily a bad thing that you don't cry, as long as you let stuff that troubles you out in other ways!

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    1. I think I would have cried during Ong Bak 1. It was so sad when he realised what had became of his elephant :( I have a few outlets but I know I bottle everything in inside too.

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  27. The title of the post reminds me of the song by Keith Urban.

    Well, if you feel bad...you can let it out by crying. Nothing's wrong with that. :)

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    1. That song is where I got the title from. Hell I'm listening to it right now actually. I would cry if I could.

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  28. Don't worry brodag. The world may seem like a vast, pointless place where wearing any emotion is looked down upon, and that it is a sign of weakness. When I was a kid, I would cry at the drop of a hat, and into my teens as well. So, as an adult, I took the no-cry stance. I was a dude, and dude's don't cry. It took seeing my dad crying during my mom's funeral to really understand the entire gravity of it. I don't cry easily, but when I do? Damn.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I used to cry a lot as a kid too myself. Part of me thinks I just cried myself out then sometimes. I don't think I have a problem with crying, I'm far from a manly man, I just don't cry.

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  29. Cheer up. When life gets tough, it means someone's afraid of your progress!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The only person who ever seems afraid of my progress is me.

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  30. "I actually don't like doing really emotional posts like this either, I've only really opened up to the idea recently."
    I know who's fault that is.

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    1. It was bound to happen eventually, it was the natural progression, you just helped along the way.

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  31. sometimes i worry about why i don't cry anymore, why i don't feel things the way i used to. most of the time now, i am just completely numb. but then i think that actually, i kinda like it here.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Aye it's not too bad a place. I'm also desensitized to pretty much anything.

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  32. Just wait until the year 2027 and you'll be able to have augmented tear ducts so you can cry at will.

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    1. I don't think it's going to take that long for that.

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  33. I sort of relate? Because I can't cry out of sadness but when I'm really pissed of I begin tearing up automatically.

    It's really annoying.

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    1. I can do that a lot too. It can be kind of annoying and I wonder why it happens.

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  34. Know that feeling bro, the last time I cried I was 10 years old. I was so furious that day I swore to the sky I would never cry again (lame I know) but its been over 15 years later, some times I wish I could but then I always remember that day and tell myself I wont go back on my word, even if it was the foolish day of a child.

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    1. Damn dude that's pretty deep. I don't like going back on my word so I can appreciate that.

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  35. Different people have different ways in expressing their grief, frustration, etc... maybe yours just isn't crying but something else.

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    1. Tears usually come with frustration for me.

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  36. As a fan of 69 out of the 70 types of crying, I can't dream of a world in which I didn't apply some "lubrication for the soul". It's a pressure release valve and has a deep function in grieving.

    I understand your inability to cry. I have friends and family that are this way for one reason or another. Some of them think it's a very non-masculine thing to do, and others just don't have the proper duct-work. Whether the lack of running eye liquid is biological or psychological, I still cry for them, as I'll cry for you, bro.

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    1. I think it's more psychological if it's anything. I can cry when I get too angry, or for self defense.

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  37. Don't know what to suggest, sometimes crying kind of 'gets it out' and that's good for you, if I get upset then often I feel much better if I cry about it.

    Not when something really bad happens obviously, I'm talking about minor stuff here.
    Funny though I can cry when I get really angry.

    If I can't punch anyone.

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    1. I cry when I get angry too, especially if I do lash out at someone. One of the few times I will cry.

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