Saturday, 4 February 2012

Five Out Of Five For Length

I teased last week that this chapter would be long, and it is. Before that though a bit of housekeeping.

Prologue:http://theramblingperson.blogspot.com/2012/01/untitled-space-story.html#en
Chapter one:http://theramblingperson.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-almost-broke-tradition.html#en
Chapter two:http://theramblingperson.blogspot.com/2012/01/chapter-two.html#en
Chapter three:http://theramblingperson.blogspot.com/2012/01/chapter-third.html#en
Chapter four:http://theramblingperson.blogspot.com/2012/01/fourth-wall-remains-intact.html#en

As per usual I'm looking for criticism, especially in Trent's speech.

Enjoy!
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Dr. Osbourne was on his way to the morgue in the morning when he heard laughter coming from there. He was pretty sure only Geoff should be in there at this time, and was slightly worried he'd gone mad from all his time alone with the corpses. When he opened the door however he saw Geoff sat on a chair next to the autopsy table and a man sat on the table itself. He was wearing a leather jacket and a hat from what Osbourne could make out, his back was turned and he was laughing.
“What's going on in here?” Dr Osbourne asked. Geoff nearly jumped out of his seat and the man looked around. He looked almost familiar but Osbourne couldn't quite place him.
“H-hello Dr. Osbourne, Geoff said to him, “I was just talking to Trent here about some of his adventures.”
“Trent?” Osbourne asked, starting to go a bit pale, “but the only Trent in here is the stiff in that free-”. He had looked over at the freezer in question, and he found it was open. “Well...just who is he then, and what happened to Mr. Saxon's body?”. Now it was the other man's turn to speak.
“You're looking at it doc” he said before hopping off the table and shaking Dr. Osbournes hand, “Trent Saxon at your service. You might want to rethink your autopsy procedure by the way, it sure hurt when you cut me up.” Dr. Osbourne just stood there with a dumb look on his face, completely perplexed. Trent turned to Geoff and pointed at Osbourne's face. “Hey that's the look you pulled Geoff. What is it with people and pulling that face at me?” This just caused Geoff to laugh, which brought Osbourne back into the room. He looked Trent over, and noticed something.
“Wait a second”, he said, holding up Trent's hand, “You're missing a piece of your finger. Trent made it out in one piece, amazingly. Now just who are you?”. Trent took his hand away and put it into his pocket. He produced a severed fingertip and held it up.
“Here it is. I have a bet going on with Geoff. We worked out the details overnight”.
“A bet?”, replied Osbourne, “Just what is going on here?”
“Well”, said Trent, putting the finger back in his pocket, “if my finger grows back, then I get a date with Geoff's sister. He showed me a picture of her and she's pretty cute. Plus he really thinks it can't grow back.”
“Well he's quite right”, said Osbourne, “fingers can't grow back and dead people can't get up. Especially after they've been autopsied on!”. This caused Trent to sigh.
“Say Doc, is there any way I can convince you that I am Trent Saxon, in the flesh?”
Dr. Osbourne thought it over for a minute, rubbing his chin in concentration.
“Well”, he decided eventually, “Where was your corpse found? No information has been released yet.” Trent whistled and put his hands behind his head.
“I'd love to answer that, but wasn't I already dead at that point?”
“Ah, but you said you couldn't die.”
“Well, I can and I can't. I die but I'll always come back. When I die it's like I'm just asleep. If something that bad happens to me anyway. I stabbed myself in the heart for Geoff over there without any trouble, but my brain was pretty damaged in the crash, and my body was absolutely mangled. Even if you can't die, would you want to be awake for that pain?” Osbourne did think that was a good point. Even if you can't die, you can still feel pain. There are points where pain is incredibly intolerable.
“You stabbed yourself in the heart?” Dr. Osbourne asked him.
“He sure did”, spoke up Geoff, who had been watching all this quietly. He pulled out a scalpel and threw it at Trent. Trent caught it and then plunged it into his chest, like he had the night before.
“Go on, take it out, so you know it's not fake”, Trent said to Osbourne. Osbourne did as he was told. He pulled out the scalpel and checked it over. He also checked out the wound on Trent's chest. It was right where his heart should be, and the scalpel was covered in blood. It was totally solid and even he couldn't deny that he really had just seen a man shove a scalpel into his chest and appear completely unharmed.
“Okay”, Osbourne conceded, “You may be Trent, you may not. Either way you certainly do seem to be pretty hard to kill. But you have to appreciate how difficult this is for a person to take in.” Trent cracked a smile. 
“Well your boy Geoff there took it pretty well”, he said, pointing at Geoff. Geoff stood up and walked to Trent. 
“Well it's just so freakin AWESOME. I'd love to not be able to die, wouldn't you?” he said to Dr. Osbourne. “Imagine what you could see, and do”. Dr. Osbourne sighed and shook his head. 
“No I don't think it would be all that good”, he said, “imagine all the people you love dying. I mean, you'd get bored eventually wouldn't you? Your heart would break again and again. You wouldn't be able to stay around people because you'd just be so afraid of losing them. Right, Trent?” Trent laughed out loud at this and stuck his arm around Dr. Osbourne. 
“Man you could not be more wrong. When I was growing up, we were confined to just this one planet. I saw it all, and then when I had done. I went again! Things had already changed, there was already more to see. Eventually we humans finally got around to discovering faster than light travel and space was opened up to us. There was even more to see and to do! By the time you've “done everything there is to do”, you realise there's even more to do, even more to discover. Humanity changes in the blink of an eye. Look back to the internet, do you think people even twenty to thirty years before then would ever believe what the internet could do? Hell when I was growing up we didn't even believe in faster than light travel. We didn't think we'd ever truly see the stars.” His face took a more sombre and sad expression before he continued, “Yes, you can easily lose people you love. Yes, it still hurts when they die, or they go. It hurts anyone when someone leaves their life. It doesn't make a difference how long you've lived. If anything I'm thankful that it still hurts. That I'm still capable of feeling that loss. I'm thankful I even met them. Even if they left my life, for a time they were in it, they made it better. They made me better. Think of all the people you've met in your life, how they improved you, or changed you. Now think of how many people you could meet who could do that in two lifetimes. Now think about ten, and just keep going. It is always, always sad, but it really does still make me happy they were there. That they cared about me. That I was able to love, and still am. I don't think I could ever get tired of that. I hope I don't at least.” Dr. Osbourne thought about his wife, and his kids. How much they had changed him, and how glad he was to know them, and be loved by them. He thought back to the friends he had made over the years. Trent was right, he realised. It hurt when someone left your life, but he knew he was glad that they had been in his life. He knew that he was glad he had met them, and he knew that he hoped he always would be.
“Enough of this depressing talk!”, Trent said, slapping Osbourne on the back, causing him to jump in surprise. “I am hungry and I need to find me another ship. It's also been a while since I was back home, so I need someone to come with me and tell me where to get them. Who's in?” Geoff ran up to him. 
“I'd like to come, my shift ends when the doctor turns up anyway.”
“Well that's one down”, Trent replied, turning to face Dr. Osbourne, “How about you doc? You want to come?”.
“I'd like to,” replied Dr Osbourne, “but I have to start work now, I've only just got in. Maybe I can chat with you later”.
“Sure thing Doc” Trent replied, pulling up his jacket and tipping his hat. “Until later then.”
Geoff followed him out the door leaving Dr. Osbourne on his own. Osbourne poked his head out the door after them. “By the way, the name's Osbourne. Daniel Osbourne, not 'Doc'!”, he shouted at them. Trent raised his hand to show he got the message and continued on the way out, Geoff beside him.

26 comments:

  1. I like how it's going so far.

    Dialogue is my weakest point when it comes to writing, unfortunately, so I'm not in a position to give criticsm, constructive or otherwise.

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    1. Thanks. I think my dialogue is better than I give myself credit far, far from perfect but not too bad.

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  2. Have to say I am liking this. Way to go!

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  3. You're an outstanding writer. Everything you write always holds my attention and fascinates me, all the way through. (Most of the time when reading in general, I have to force myself to pay attention, so this is quite an accomplishment.) The only suggestion I have, is maybe divide it into paragraphs, because occasionally I have a difficult time following which character is saying what. But the more I thought about that, I thought perhaps that is really not very good advice, because the style you are writing in is very unique, and writing in a more tradiotional style would take away from that. So, I really don't have any good critique to give, I suppose...just a hodgepodge of hastily thrown together opinions.

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    1. Well actually I do need to do new paragraphs with each new speaker. I did but I guess with the constraints of blogger it might not have come across too well. I was double spacing as I wrote it, but it seemed to be too much blank space. I may have to do it anyway just to be clear :) But thank you for the kind words ^^

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  4. Well I think you got the dialogue just fine! It's difficult having three talking in the same scene (well it is for me! LOL!) but I think you got three very distinct voices going here! Well done you! take care
    x

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  5. You've got to format your text better. Leave an empty line after every paragraph. Right now it's pretty hard to read. Some of the sentences in the beginning could use some restructuring too – they sound a bit clunky. And you're missing a fuck ton of commas. Great story, though. Captivated me all the way to the end. Keep writing :)

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    1. Cheers dude, I'll try to keep a better eye out.

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  6. The sad-Trent-speech is really you talking, isn't it? Answer honestly.

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    1. It is and it isn't. Sometimes I wish I could think like that.

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  7. The only thing I could say, with my lackluster writing capabilities, would be to use smoother transitions between dialogues. Sometimes it was kind of an abrupt shift; then again you could've been going for that feeling.

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    1. No I was trying to cut down on empty space, but it seems that may have been a mistake. You aren't the first to point it out.

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  8. You are right about the length but it was still very interesting.

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  9. Osbourne, isn't that the same name as the Green Goblin from Spiderman?

    Also, your name is brown. Very woody kind of brown. :P

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    1. Spiderman was where I stole that particular name from. My name seems orange from here.

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  10. You're pretty good at sci-fi writing.

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  11. It is great but you could space it better. Big blocks of text are hard on my eyes, especially white on grey.

    You are doing really well with it though

    “Lizard Happy”

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    1. Yeah I'll fix that up for next time ^^

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  12. apart from the formatting (more a blogger issue) I thought it was cool

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  13. i feel like Osbourne should speak a little more technically, regarding his profession.

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  14. He has a penchant for correctness and formality but I'm not sure how to make him speak more "technical"

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    1. Yeah, in his conversations with the other characters I definitely agree. You convey that well. But he's a doctor, and strays away from "doctor talk." For instance, he said "autopsied on" and I don't think a doctor would talk like that in regards to an autopsy he performed. Also, not sure if Autopsy can be a verb, think it's just a noun

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    2. Good point but I'm now not sure what the verb is. To the interwebs! Autopsied IS the verb of autopsy, and the only way it could get more technical is if he had called it a "post-mortem examination." God bless online dictionaries.

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    3. I learned something new. I always thought one performed an autopsy, not autopsied in general

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