Thursday, 26 January 2012

Scared To Death


This post is inspired by the H.I.M. song Scared To Death, specifically these lyrics;

I'm not afraid to say 'I love you'
any more than I used to be, babe
I am scared to death, I am scared to death
to fall in love

After having heard this song, I said to Jessie that I would write a blog about it if I could put it into words, so let's see how good I do at doing that. For you see, I am indeed scared to death of falling in love. But I have no problem with saying those three words. That's one reason I'm scared of it. I don't even know what love is. Though I know someone who would disagree with that because I recently refused to say "I love you" to her. I hope I didn't hurt her. If you read this, again, I'm sorry. 
See people use the word love in several senses. You can love someone and you can be in love with someone. I can say I love my parents and my family (that's a bit of a shock for me too) but I can't say I love my friends. I can't differentiate between them. I can't tell the difference between being in love and loving. There's a lot of backstory to this, but nothing I'm really willing to go into. Suffice to say I was hurt by someone long ago and he screwed up what love was to me. It was years ago but I'm still suffering for it today. Very few people know the full story actually. 

But anyway, the point remains. I am scared of love. I also know I'm not ready to love. I'm in a huge effort to do something good for myself for once. I'm trying to lose a lot of weight, and I want to do it for myself. One of the reasons I was never able to succeed in the past, as well as getting discouraged and depressed easy, was that I was trying to do it for someone else. I was trying to improve myself for another person, who quickly left my life, leaving me alone again.

I'm afraid to love, I'm afraid of being hurt. 

Let's face it if I end up in a relationship I'm going to be the girl. I can't decide if my life is a soap opera or a romantic comedy. The person who's afraid to love because they've been hurt so much in the past is such an archetype cliché from them.
Not to detract away from the point of this post but several people did express a desire to see me actually do a reading of yesterdays post. I must express if I do, I will of course be hiding my face (I even have more fun options to do it!) so you may want to rethink your stance on that.

61 comments:

  1. ...but some people fall in love with Burger King.

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    1. I've been to Burger King before. No risk of that happening.

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  2. I used to think like this all the time.
    But then I thought..."Geez. I'm only 18. These are supposed to be the years when my mind chillaxes. There's plenty of time for love later."

    So yeah, although I have a major crush on my best friend, I don't want anything more from him, cause what means most to me is our friendship.
    No need to let my silly emotions ruin that. :D

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    1. Well congrats on being mature enough to know what you really want from him :) I had my first love at 17, but you're right. Teenage years are for having fun and not worrying about junk, but I was worrying about junk way before then anyway.

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  3. There is also a good song by Beck with the lyrics "I think I'm in love, but it makes me kinda nervous to say so", which the reasons it makes him nervous is kind of similar things expressed in this post...at least that's my interpretation.

    Yes, well, I think if I made videos at this time I would want to hide too... maybe wear a disguise or something...or play a character instead of myself.

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    1. It does sound like it doesn't it? Nervousness is also something that comes into play with love. I suppose you could say my fear causes or also stems from nervousness. I think I have an even better solution I'll get into tomorrow :)

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    2. I will be looking forward to read it. Hopefully, it will be published early in the day... If it is late I will be in a worthless zombie like state and my brain won't be working very well.

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  4. I think almost everyone's got a diferent definition for the word love based on how they perceive it, how they've dealt with it, and how they experienced it.

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    1. There are a lot of them out there. It does depend more on what love means to you.

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  5. i dont like the fact that love is commonly mistaken with lust these days.

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  6. Aww I bet the not saying I love you thing was referring to me, unless there's someone else you wouldn't say I love you to. :P I have lots of versions of "I love you", I tell my friends I love them all the time especially when they buy me a chocolate or let me copy their homework. Of course, I'm very cautious of saying "I love you" in the serious serious sense, I've only ever told one person in my life that I love them... and that person dumped me over the phone after 8 months. *blegh* So I guess I'm also a bit afraid of falling in love. But I like dating it's fun and doesn't have to be serious. Plus my current boyfriend is very very cute :P

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    1. Well yes I was referring to you. There are a lot of people I won't say it to though, but you're the most recent one. Same happened to me, but it took less than 8 months to do it. I guess the other times I said it I didn't really mean it. You are just a teenage girl so you shouldn't be too worried about love. Just have fun and enjoy yourself.

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    2. I could say the same about you you're only 21

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  7. Love happens when it happens. Just remember that trying to force it ("I'm going to go out and fall in love this year!") never works. It's good that you want to work on yourself first. That'll help when you do find love.

    And if you don't, just grab a time traveling taco, head back to the 16th century, and nail one of those chicks. They're so famished they'll put out for a sandwich.

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    1. Yeah but that breaks how they think about life. They need to be the ones making the sammiches. Love tends to happen when you tell yourself you aren't looking for it. It's evil like that.

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  8. aaahhh goddamnit, i write up a thoughtful comment and blogger refreshes the page by itself. so instead i leave you with this :)

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  9. You can love a person - everything, then, is about being happy. Then you fall in love. I guess the fear is that as soon as you fall in love, your life suddenly ends up in another's hands. For me, that's the biggest thing.

    First time round, it's a great thing. But after being hurt once..the problems of trust arise. And well, while that complication is there, I guess it's difficult to actually be in love.

    I could go on, but I don't want to depress you further lol. I think it's fair to say that I genuinely hate love.

    GM x

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    1. Love sucks and never in the way you want. I don't mind putting my life in someone's hands. I'm shite with my own life so I find myself falling easy because I want to embrace someone else's life.

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  10. You know, it would be less weird looking if you wore a mask or somekind instead of using an aftereffect. Just not a Phantom of the Opera type mask.

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    1. It would be less weird using a mask, and I'd use a good old fashioned V mask, but being a major poorfag prevents that. I like Phantom of the Opera but that's too much face for me.

      FACE.

      Couldn't resist.

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  11. SHOW FACE SHOW FACE SHOW FACE

    All I can think to say about your post is to tell you what love is to me. I love my girlfriend. We started as coworkers talking and joking then became daters who fondled and f***ed and we spent time together and shared our thoughts are dreams our past experiences. I told her things no one ever wanted to know about me and I listened to her tell me all about herself. We started to become one. Talking back and forth as easily as your two hemispheres in your brain talk back and forth. Neither of us made the other feel ashamed or unwanted. We went out lots and spent lots of time together (having the sex) and gave eachother space when we needed it. (we also worked together all day!)
    After six or seven months she told me she loved me and after a month or so of thinking about it I realized I loved her and told her so.
    That quick feeling of passion people often get when attracted is what most people think love is. It isn't. Its the feeling you get after months of closeness and sharing and two becoming one that you really feel love.
    My girlfriend is my other half. We work togetehr as if we where two clones of the same person! (sure we have little problems her and there) But we are so compfertable together we end up inspiring each other to do great things! We don't even talk as much anymore cause if I start to point something out to her she finishes my sentence!
    So instead of "Hey that guy looks like that guy from that stupid TV show we watched months ago!" "Hey your right he does!"
    becomes
    "Hey that guy-" "-he looks like that charater!" "From that stupid show!" (both chuckle!)
    So to me thats what love is.

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    1. D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww <3 I'd tell you that's what I want but I already tell Jessie what she has is what I want, so I have to stick with that.

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  12. PS SHOW FACE SHOW FACE SHOW FACE

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  13. Love has various definitions defined by people like us. And we define it according to our experiences. Some experience love beautifully so they define it with all the beauty and some go through a bad phase bitten by love, so they have a different definition again.

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    1. It does go by your own definition and experiences. If you have a bad experience with love you tend to find yourself thinking "Damn love seriously fucking sucks." and if you find happiness with love you'll be all like "LOVE IS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE<3<3<3<3<3"

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  14. I don't even know what love means.

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    1. Lot a people don't. Shit sucks.

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  15. I'm sorry I'm late Mark. It's hectic and I'm only commenting on about 4 or 5 pages today. I'm glad I stopped in to read this one. I think some of our problems are due to the fact that there is only one word for something that has many meanings. That said, I can understand why you feel the way you do. Today relationships are much more confusing than when I was your age. And if you've been hurt enough, it's natural to want to protect yourself. I do wish you'd let us see your face though. You've a lovely voice and seeing the face that goes with that voice would be nice

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    1. Awwww well thank you ^^ I'm glad you stopped by too. That was a nice thing you said. It is true that we only have the one word. We have many for "hate" but only love for "love". Unless you count "like".

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  16. And I think you did an amazing job with the poem analysis.

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    1. Huh? I don't remember doing a poem analysis.

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  17. its very confusing and complex. i think i want someone now but then i realize these people that i will accept now i might not be willing to still accept years down the line >.<

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    1. There is that too. I always love when I see a couple who've been together for years.

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  18. It'll happen...i've had a lot of relationships but only really been in love once...don't look for it, enjoy life, see where it all leads

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    1. I plan to do that. Or hope to at least.

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  19. Love is a really weird thing. Like the guy I like for instance. I don't think I love him, because that would be really odd. But the fact that I think about him all the time and that just seeing him sort of depresses me, well, wouldn't that sort of be love? It's weird, isn't it? One of my friends says it's "Puppy love". I don't even know what you'd call it. But there are definitely different forms of love, and they can all be extremely strong...
    I'm rambling, haha! Tootles! xD

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    1. Nah rambling is good, it's the name of the blog. I wholeheartedly encourage it. There are different "levels" of love. It just doesn't help my first love was a totally warped view on it. Sometimes I'm not sure I'll be able to love "properly" because of it.

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  20. I've been hurt before (perhaps not to the same extent as you) but I still decided to take the risk, try to find love and I think it paid off in the end.

    My girlfriend used to have what you have (her first boyfriend was a complete ass) and it's taken a long time to undo a lot of it. In fact, I'm still working to undo the damage the asshole did 3 years later but she's opened up a lot more, more affectionate, etc. etc..

    It just takes time and the right person. Let's hope you find that person.

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    1. Let's hope so too. I'm glad the two of you did. It would take a lot of patience to deal with me. Sometimes I wonder how Jessie's put up with it for so long but she's wondered the same about herself.

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  21. Good lookin blog here! Followed for moar

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  22. If love is a game, then fucking is a sport... I'm sorry mark, I'm too drunk to process information right now. I'll be back tomorrow with a proper response. If it's any consolation, I love you like a bro loves another bro

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    1. I love you too bro. In a broly way of course. Not Broly though, he doesn't love. I'm not drunk I'm just tired. Fucking is a sport though. One of the many sports I don't play.

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  23. Don't be afraid to show your face =)

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  24. I feel your pain, little pie. I was there not too long ago. Something happened to me when I spent too long being physically ill. I got tired of being afraid. I hope the fear never returns.

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    1. I'm not sure if "little pie" is endearing or insulting :P But thank you. Right now I tell myself I'm not looking for love and hopefully that will continue to do it for me.

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  25. Hello, I just came upon your blog and found this meaningful post… very interesting. The definition of love from the dictionary seems to be more opinion than fact. I doubt we could find the same expression of it even from identical twins… it’s just the most unique feeling from one person to the next. I can’t even explain it to myself, probably because it changes with each moment in time and each person it’s applied to; it’s all based on time. I remember past loves and I have the knowledge that at that moment in time I thought the feeling was love but I can’t grasp it any more… it’s gone. I’ve heard some say that if you don’t love someone ‘now’ then you never did love them. I think that’s nonsense because love changes because we change… and we change a lot even if we don’t admit it. Glad I found your blog… Jira.

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    1. Well I'm glad you found it too, that was lovely :)

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  26. Life's to short to be afraid of such things Mark, which is why I'm afraid of death.

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    1. Haha I don't mind the thought of death that much. I just hope and pray it doesn't come today.

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  27. This is what I get for sitting by the pool drinking last night instead of reading blogs.....
    20 years married this year and I have a pretty good idea about this love thing.
    It is different for every one and different with everyone.
    Fireworks are fun but sometimes real love sneaks up on you and has a warm glow more like a beautiful fireplace.
    You can love without being "in love" and being "in love" can deepen to a very special love.
    You need to be able to love yourself too, before you can really allow yourself to love another and accept thier love.
    You are young and I think you just need to have some fun living.
    Loving will happen when you stop worrying about it.
    That is something I am certain of

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    1. Love really does seem to happen when you tell yourself, and mean it, "I don't care about love anymore. I don't even want love." My biggest problem is that I don't love myself enough, so I find it hard to believe that someone else can, or does, love me.

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  28. You should never try to change yourself for other people. You should only want to change for yourself.


    I think you're right, and a lot of people don't know what love is. It's such an overused word. I think you do have to open up and allow yourself to care about people despite the risk of being hurt. One day you'll wake up and just realized you love this person or that person, without even trying.

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    1. I am trying to change for myself, for once. It's probably how I've stuck with it for more than one week :P Love just hits you. It might not even be when you wake up, you'll find yourself thinking "Huh, I really love this person."

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  29. Whoaa i meant to comment on this post when i read it but I've been drowning in work (and watching poriot) and lost track of time! Hmmmm I'm quite comfortable telling my freinds i love them, but then I have a really close set of pals many of whom i've known since i was wee and they know me inside and out (sometimes TOO well hehe) and i genuinley love them with all my heart but i'm not IN-love with them if you know what i mean.

    I'm so sorry your experience with love hurt you so much, it's such a wonderful and dream-like feeling that you shouldnt be scared of it :( I can see that love has its down sides too though. I'm really good friends with my ex's, i think that if you shared something wholly deep and meaningful with them you shouldnt let them leave your life, rather let that love you had grow and develop into something akin to the love you feel towards friends.

    Uhhhhh i apoligise for these scrambled thoughts Mark! I really admire you for trying to love yourself fully. I wish you could see yourself the way others see you though!

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  30. ps i agree with some of your other blogger pals SHOW YOURSELF O_O hehe xx

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  31. Part of my worry is that I am seeing myself how others do :P Don't worry my own thoughts in this post were majorly scrambled. I only have one very close friend, and she's the person I'm the most afraid to say it to. Love can be an amazing thing. I would probably try to let Luci back into my life but the last time we tried that, it went horribly and I can't even contact her anymore. I don't know if any of her numbers or her emails are the same or anything. Alex though, he can stay out of my life. He's in it too much as it is and he's not even around.

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