Thursday, 19 January 2012

Five Minutes With Me

In case you're wondering why I didn't take part in the SOPA blackout, the simple fact is I actually forgot when it was. If you follow me on Twitter you saw the insane amount of crap I posted about it though. I would apologise but I had fun. 


This is what I came up with for the writing giveaway. The original idea was "Try describing 5 minutes of being alone, like sitting on a beach, or just chilling in a playground with kids playing and other kids fighting. I tried it once and it did wonders for me." To be honest I rarely spend time thinking with myself. I hate silence because I hate being left alone with my thoughts. I'm almost always listening to music or something. So prepare to stab yourself as we take a look inside my mind.


I found myself thinking about her again. As I always do when I'm on my own. Hell sometimes when I'm with others I'll think about her. Life can be funny like that. No matter how far you run, you're never really out of reach of the past. How no matter how many people you have around, you can be lonely. There's a difference between being lonely, and being alone, and boy do I know the difference. I suppose that's one of the reasons I can't find love, I don't really love myself. I can't expect someone to love me if I don't love myself. But that doesn't mean I have to be so lonely. I have Jessie sure, but she can't be there for me all the time, she has her own life, her own problems. I'm trying to be a better person I know, and I'm trying to improve myself, but does the road have to be this fucking lonely? Do I really have to stay by myself? I've held plenty of people's hands, who is here to hold mine? Not that I'd ever let anyone know that. No, I'm way too proud. No one is allowed to know my burdens but me. No one should have to deal with them but me. You'd think with how many people I've helped along the years I would have accepted by now you can't conquer everything on your own. You think I would have learnt that it's okay to seek help. Why is it okay for people to come to me for help but not for me to do the same? Why is it okay for others to show their emotions, why do I encourage it in others, when I can't even do it myself? Come to think of it when was the last time I cried. I really don't know. All I know is it hurts. I hurt. How did I end up like this? Can I stop this? Can I even be better? Can I even win at life? Does anyone win? When it comes down to it, is anyone here for me? Now that's just pathetic and we know it. Jessie is always there for you. She has her own troubles but she'd do anything for you and you know it. So stop it. I know I have her, I just wish she was all I needed. Everyone else piles their problems on to her, she doesn't need mine too. I can handle them, and I should. I will handle them. I just don't know how, or when. This is all I really know. I know I lost her, and I know I gained others, and I know I have people who would be there for me, all I have to do is reach out and ask. But why the hell won't I do that? What is stopping me? Fear? I suppose it's fear. Worry too. I don't want them worrying about me. I'm not special, they shouldn't act like I am. What I do is nothing special. It's almost ironic in a way that my biggest worry is that they will worry about me. I just don't want to  burden others with my crap really. I wouldn't be the first though, and others have done it for me. I shouldn't be so concerned. There are people that would do anything for me, and I know it. Why can't I accept that? Why are there so many things I can't accept? Ahhhh fuck. I need to put some music on and get away from this shit. Or Frasier.Oh Frasier, you make me laugh like no other man has. Except perhaps Niles.

Okay that took longer than five minutes to write because I really couldn't stop once I started. This ones for you Kb, I'll see the rest of you after you get out of the hospital after slitting your wrists. This is why I avoid getting emotional on here. Once I start, I really can't stop. 

63 comments:

  1. I'm glad you didn't stop writing, because I loved every word of it, great stuff!

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  2. You stole my journal! Except it's not Jessie, no. It's hard to read my handwriting, I know. It is Matthew.

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    1. I've come to regard you as quite the crazy person. I don't know how well to take we have the same thought patterns.

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  3. It's always possible to change. Just start with all the small things. Don't try to take on anything huge right away: focus on the small things first and change them one at a time. Before you know it, all those small things will have changed all the bigger ones.

    And I'm a very proud person too who hates asking for help, so I can really feel with you on this. Still, it takes a stronger person to admit he needs help than someone who tries to shoulder the world.

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    1. It does take a stronger person to do that. Like it takes a stronger person to live to see tomorrow than end it. I've always been that strong, but maybe I'm not the strongest person there is.

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  4. Dude wasn't it supposed to be something fictional? You basically just spilled out your mind's gutter.

    Anyhoo, I used to be all like "I won't share my shit, get people involved, burden them". But then I got over it and rambled on to people. Feels good. Just get someone to ramble on to. Hell, you've got my email. Add me on messenger if you need to.

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    1. Actually Kb specifically mentioned me. What goes through my head. I didn't really say it had to be fictional. I didn't mind writing it, it gave me an excuse to do something like this really. I have you on Twitter too lol. When I'm ready to just unload the dumper truck of misery that is my mind you'll be one of the first I go to.

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  5. Yeah sort of forgot about SOPA blackout myself, until I tried to wiki something.

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    1. I'm actually glad Wiki did it. I just wish Google did too, that would have fucked everything up and sent a huge statement. Imagine a whole day not being able to use Google or Wikipedia.

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  6. It's good work, didn't mind reading it at all....

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  7. I realized what kind of big deal that "SOPA thing" is when I couldnt go on any website I normally visit without the site beeing offline for a day. You hardly see anything about that in the news here in germany

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  8. Sometimes you just need to let it all out and be all "ROOOOAAAAAAR!"

    I'm sure you felt a lot better after writing all that, you should do it more often, it helps.

    And you will find love :) you're too young for love right now I know your age :P Just focus on other things in life and love will jump out and bite you at the most unexpected times.

    Shhhmile!

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    1. Actually I felt like crap when I wrote it. Felt worse when I had finished it. Then I watched Frasier and became awesome. I am far from too young for love. I'm the right age for love. Both me and Jessie actually found love at 17, or she was 18. Anyway, I am not too young for love. Love always finds a way to bite me in the ass though. Always.

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  9. No wonder you don't like thinking in silence! All you do is ask your self questions! Why not think on some of the answers! Its very important to find the answers to the whys! Its what allows you to grow!

    I think you do all that cause your afraid to be open! But in the end being open is what will help you. Don't question it! Answer it! (by doing it!)

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    1. Hey to be fair I did answer some questions. I answered just why I'm so afraid to tell people things.

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  10. awh man i had like a long comment then something refreshed on its own. im not typing it again lol

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    1. Happens to me a few times, mostly with Safari.

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  11. "To be honest I rarely spend time thinking with myself."

    Well, damn, dude. You and I are drastically different in some way after all! I spend a large amount of time with my own thoughts. Where else will I get such quality discourse with an intelligent partner?

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    1. A good point. I will often talk/think things out with myself, but I'm not a major fan of soul searching. If I'm presented with a problem though I'm not above thinking it out, and sometimes before I even pose questions or make arguments I'll think it all through. Often I've gone to ask a question just to think about it and answer it myself.

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  12. First, I didn't black our site out because I'm a traffic whore. That, and I forgot. Whoops.

    Second, that was a great read. Very personal, very deep. You can feel the emotion. That's the best kind of writing.

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    1. I'm glad you think that. I am also a bit of a traffic whore but didn't really want to admit to it. I'd like to do more personal deep posts but it's making myself do it that's the problem.

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  13. The first thing that came to my mind while reading this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meYQtA9wTgs

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    1. That was a pretty deep song. Thanks for the share.

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  14. I was 17 when I met H :) and that was one awesomely deep blog post! Loved it and thankies for the nicey things you said about me *hugs*

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    1. I'm a hug whore, I'll always say nice things about you. But nah I did mean it lol. It's a bit poignant we both found love at 17 but yours is still going.

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  15. I didn't blackout my blog either. I'm just like Brandon and Byran, I want my traffic. :(

    But I talked about SOPA a few times, that counts right?

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    1. That does count dude. I spammed the hell out of Twitter, so I'm saying I did my part.

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  16. Yeah it's tough when you're hanging with your own thoughts. Always go to a place you don't want to hang.

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    1. You do get there eventually unless you have a lot of distractions.

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  17. I actually didn't know there was a blackout until I went to wikipedia to research something and then I saw it *insert sad face* actually here we haven't heard anything (or atleast much) of sopa.

    hey I liked what you wrote! keep writing =)

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    1. Consider yourself enlightened, now join the fight.

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  18. They say, "Emotion in the writer mans emotion in the reader." Crap, you're like an emotional stuffed potato, man.

    Somehow, I feel as if it was about me. Without the Jessie reference, of course.

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    1. Well like I said, I'm not used to doing things like this. I couldn't contain the emotions, and I'm glad they came through in words.

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  19. One of your best entries, my friend. Get emotional more often! Do not leave all these feelings stuffed up inside yourself. You'll explode.

    Hell, this could actually be about me. I'm always dishing out advice and rarely taking any myself. Fail.

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    1. You do me too much credit. Flattery will get you nowhere but my bed. I'd like to be more emotional sometimes but as someone pointed out earlier, I'm just not strong enough to let go and do it.

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  20. Knowing that I don't deserve help/attention/somebody to listen is what keeps me from reaching out.

    Pretty brave of you to share something so personal.

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    1. Well I didn't have too much of a choice because it was decided for me by Kb :) You do deserve somebody. Don't tell yourself you don't.

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  21. Love will come when you have reached the right time, We have like the exact questions about life :) To be honest I really enjoy your stories

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    1. Thanks. My emotions aren't very unique no.

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  22. Wow Mark....that was fantastic. Showing some raw emotions about yourself was good. I think you're also a considerate person by not wanting to worry others. That's a bad thing? NO WAY! Do it more often. Getting to know more about you is a good thing.

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    1. The only emotion I really display on here is anger when I'm raging all over the place.

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  23. Fuck yes stream of consciousness. There is not a single thing I can criticize. Way to show some cajones, and wear your emotions on your sleeve.

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    1. I'd take credit for having the balls to do it, but I did it because someone told me to. I waited until I had an excuse to do it.

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    2. sometimes it just takes a little push

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    3. Well we'll know that if I do it more often.

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  24. TBH i understand all people protesting againts SOPA i dont like it either but i found the blackout extremely annoying because it messed up my work and i got way behind schedule, but i know everyone hates SOPA and i do too

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    1. That was the main point, to disrupt things. It's the point of any protest.

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  25. I used to think Fraiser was kind of corney, but I've been watching it recently late at night.

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    1. I can't really remember why I didn't give it much of a chance before but I am glad I gave it one now.

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  26. (CRAP i missed this SOPA thingy!) It's good to be emotional. No one wants to hang around someone who doesn't take anything seriously at all. But if it gets to you like this, it's not good and you know it. I like your posts because it's honest, real and well strangely funny sometimes...

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    1. I try to mix in a little funny even in the darkest depths of sadness.

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  27. Wow.. definitely one of the best posts you've shared, Mark..

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    1. Thanks. I should be an emotional wreck more often.

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  28. I read this and I find that I recognize most of your sentiments. Really, they are always there, buried at the back of my mind in a toned-down murmur, or roaring at the forefront when I have time to think myself down and am feeling particularly cynical. Obviously it's not the exact same situation, but I also often deal with crippling insecurities and feeling alone while not necessarily having no one to go to and unwillingness to bother other people with it. It's all very contradictory: I want to tell someone and be supported, but I don't want anyone to pity me or feel sorry for me or think I'm overreacting or anything. It's hard to figure out.

    And yes, I do think being an emotional wreck - while being inconvenient for you, obviously - does result in quality posts. :').

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    1. I don't like people taking pity on me either really. I suppose it's one of the reasons I don't really talk about some things. Support is always nice, but I'm not sure I can pay the price for it. True beauty is created by sadness.

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