This is what I came up with for the writing giveaway. The original idea was "Try describing 5 minutes of being alone, like sitting on a beach, or just chilling in a playground with kids playing and other kids fighting. I tried it once and it did wonders for me." To be honest I rarely spend time thinking with myself. I hate silence because I hate being left alone with my thoughts. I'm almost always listening to music or something. So prepare to stab yourself as we take a look inside my mind.
I found myself thinking about her again. As I always do when I'm on my own. Hell sometimes when I'm with others I'll think about her. Life can be funny like that. No matter how far you run, you're never really out of reach of the past. How no matter how many people you have around, you can be lonely. There's a difference between being lonely, and being alone, and boy do I know the difference. I suppose that's one of the reasons I can't find love, I don't really love myself. I can't expect someone to love me if I don't love myself. But that doesn't mean I have to be so lonely. I have Jessie sure, but she can't be there for me all the time, she has her own life, her own problems. I'm trying to be a better person I know, and I'm trying to improve myself, but does the road have to be this fucking lonely? Do I really have to stay by myself? I've held plenty of people's hands, who is here to hold mine? Not that I'd ever let anyone know that. No, I'm way too proud. No one is allowed to know my burdens but me. No one should have to deal with them but me. You'd think with how many people I've helped along the years I would have accepted by now you can't conquer everything on your own. You think I would have learnt that it's okay to seek help. Why is it okay for people to come to me for help but not for me to do the same? Why is it okay for others to show their emotions, why do I encourage it in others, when I can't even do it myself? Come to think of it when was the last time I cried. I really don't know. All I know is it hurts. I hurt. How did I end up like this? Can I stop this? Can I even be better? Can I even win at life? Does anyone win? When it comes down to it, is anyone here for me? Now that's just pathetic and we know it. Jessie is always there for you. She has her own troubles but she'd do anything for you and you know it. So stop it. I know I have her, I just wish she was all I needed. Everyone else piles their problems on to her, she doesn't need mine too. I can handle them, and I should. I will handle them. I just don't know how, or when. This is all I really know. I know I lost her, and I know I gained others, and I know I have people who would be there for me, all I have to do is reach out and ask. But why the hell won't I do that? What is stopping me? Fear? I suppose it's fear. Worry too. I don't want them worrying about me. I'm not special, they shouldn't act like I am. What I do is nothing special. It's almost ironic in a way that my biggest worry is that they will worry about me. I just don't want to burden others with my crap really. I wouldn't be the first though, and others have done it for me. I shouldn't be so concerned. There are people that would do anything for me, and I know it. Why can't I accept that? Why are there so many things I can't accept? Ahhhh fuck. I need to put some music on and get away from this shit. Or Frasier.Oh Frasier, you make me laugh like no other man has. Except perhaps Niles.
Okay that took longer than five minutes to write because I really couldn't stop once I started. This ones for you Kb, I'll see the rest of you after you get out of the hospital after slitting your wrists. This is why I avoid getting emotional on here. Once I start, I really can't stop.