Yesterday was kind of an odd day for stats. I had the least views I've had on a weekday in a while, but I made the most money I've made in a while. Oh well. I think my viewership is either going down because of the holidays, or is becoming a more legitimate figure. Anyway, on with the real show for today.
It's a bit early to be talking about this but what the hell, I take any and all ideas I can get. A few nights ago I had a dream where one of the guys at the shop I volunteer at came up to me, and we made up over the fact I haven't been there in about a month, and I got a haircut, and I started anew. Most of you who know me will know one of two things, 1, I don't do displays of affection like that (except maybe hugs, I'm just not really a "I messed up, I'm sorry" kinda guy), and 2, I don't do haircuts. I got one a few years ago to shut my boss up because I was sick and tired of his constant comments about my hair. I realise now I should have punched him in the face because I liked my hair, it was the one part of me I was proud of. But before then it had been like, 6 years since I last had it cut. It wasn't too long, hair stops growing eventually, or just grows so incredibly slowly. It was just past halfway down my back. I got it cut to shoulder length and tried not to cry as I saw my beautiful hair die in front of my eyes.
As the people who read my 200th post also might know, I'm not much of a starting again guy either. I don't see the new year as a fresh start. Though this time I am actually slightly tempted. I mean, maybe I should get another hair cut, and maybe I should try starting again. Go to work more often. I used to be on about 20 hours a week, and then it was four a freakin fortnight, and then I just stopped going. I didn't really feel all that bad about it either. I also never explained to my boss just what the problem was. As far as he knows I'm just too lazy to come in. It's one of the things we fight about.
But the actual problem as most of you guys might have guessed is that I'm quite the shut in. I only ever go outside with my dad. The main reason I do this is not just because I don't want to be left in the house alone, I've proven I can handle that now, but because I want to get outside the house. I like the outside world, I'm just terrified of being alone in it. I probably should explain this to my boss but the last time I explained anything emotional about myself was when he locked me inside the shop with just him for half an hour. His boyfriend rescued me and I'm still sure he only did that because he thought I was getting freaky with the bossman. Fun times. But no that time was damaging to me. He's done a lot to make me mistrust him, but he still acts like he's not done a damn thing wrong. That's something that really pisses me off about him. But this isn't about him, or what he's done. This is about me, and what I need to do.
Next year (for it is still not the new year) I'm hoping to learn how to drive, and to really try and turn my life around. I think it's been more than long enough, and it is something I want. I want to lose weight, I want to drive, I want to get out more, I want a job (making enough money out of here will do though!), I wouldn't mind some love but I get all the love I need from Jessie and my family, but most of all, I want to be happy.
I don't think I want to be satisfied though, if I'm satisfied that means I have nothing to really go for anymore, life sucks if you have nothing you want out of it.