Wednesday, 28 December 2011

New Year, New Me?

Yesterday was kind of an odd day for stats. I had the least views I've had on a weekday in a while, but I made the most money I've made in a while. Oh well. I think my viewership is either going down because of the holidays, or is becoming a more legitimate figure. Anyway, on with the real show for today.

It's a bit early to be talking about this but what the hell, I take any and all ideas I can get. A few nights ago I had a dream where one of the guys at the shop I volunteer at came up to me, and we made up over the fact I haven't been there in about a month, and I got a haircut, and I started anew. Most of you who know me will know one of two things, 1, I don't do displays of affection like that (except maybe hugs, I'm just not really a "I messed up, I'm sorry" kinda guy), and 2, I don't do haircuts. I got one a few years ago to shut my boss up because I was sick and tired of his constant comments about my hair. I realise now I should have punched him in the face because I liked my hair, it was the one part of me I was proud of. But before then it had been like, 6 years since I last had it cut. It wasn't too long, hair stops growing eventually, or just grows so incredibly slowly. It was just past halfway down my back. I got it cut to shoulder length and tried not to cry as I saw my beautiful hair die in front of my eyes.

As the people who read my 200th post also might know, I'm not much of a starting again guy either. I don't see the new year as a fresh start. Though this time I am actually slightly tempted. I mean, maybe I should get another hair cut, and maybe I should try starting again. Go to work more often. I used to be on about 20 hours a week, and then it was four a freakin fortnight, and then I just stopped going. I didn't really feel all that bad about it either. I also never explained to my boss just what the problem was. As far as he knows I'm just too lazy to come in. It's one of the things we fight about.

But the actual problem as most of you guys might have guessed is that I'm quite the shut in. I only ever go outside with my dad. The main reason I do this is not just because I don't want to be left in the house alone, I've proven I can handle that now, but because I want to get outside the house. I like the outside world, I'm just terrified of being alone in it. I probably should explain this to my boss but the last time I explained anything emotional about myself was when he locked me inside the shop with just him for half an hour. His boyfriend rescued me and I'm still sure he only did that because he thought I was getting freaky with the bossman. Fun times. But no that time was damaging to me. He's done a lot to make me mistrust him, but he still acts like he's not done a damn thing wrong. That's something that really pisses me off about him. But this isn't about him, or what he's done. This is about me, and what I need to do.

Next year (for it is still not the new year) I'm hoping to learn how to drive, and to really try and turn my life around. I think it's been more than long enough, and it is something I want. I want to lose weight, I want to drive, I want to get out more, I want a job (making enough money out of here will do though!), I wouldn't mind some love but I get all the love I need from Jessie and my family, but most of all, I want to be happy.

I don't think I want to be satisfied though, if I'm satisfied that means I have nothing to really go for anymore, life sucks if you have nothing you want out of it.

36 comments:

  1. Wow sound like your the exact oposite of me! I love being alone and I love staying inside and not dealing with others!
    Cut your hair? I feel your pain! I use to have long sholder length hair but I cut it to fit in better at school (or at least to blend in and avoid people better) and I missed it for years! Funny thing is now I'm so use to it being short that when it gets long it becomes such a chore!
    You need to learn an instrament and become a musican! Then having long cool hair is nessasary!

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  2. I know what you mean about the hair. My hubby used to have long hair. Now he's bald. Really he is, I posted a pic of him today. (He's lost the hair due to illness). I think it's harder for your generation Mark. There is less out there for you guys, fewer jobs can mean fewer hopes. Set your goals, pursue them like you do this blog and you'll get there.

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  3. Being alone has never been much of a big problem, though I think I got used to it since I used to live up a mountain, though your sense feel extra sharp during night.

    Perhaps read a book? I heard "Art of Learning" by Josh Waitzkin

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  4. i'm sorry... imagining a guy crying over a haircut made me chuckle~ ^_^

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  5. Find a new job and quit your current, send your boss a cynical New Years postcard, saying "it was a glorious year, but sadly I've found a better place. Going to miss you!" or something along those lines. >:3

    If you ever need help with anything, don't hesitate to send me an email or something man! I'm here for you!

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  6. @Bersercules I'm quite happy to stay inside and not deal with people, I don't like people, and I don't trust them. But I should get out more. I should be more comfortable dealing with them. I would love to learn an instrument but the last time I tried I just never put the effort in.

    @Anne I wish more people thought like you. My generation, and the current one (I suppose I'm not current generation anymore) is a pretty hopeless one. I have my goals and I'm going to try my hardest to reach them.

    @R.gers Dude I would love to live the hermit life atop a mountain. I reckon I'd get used to it eventually.

    @Indistinctive Writer I didn't actually cry, I was a big brave boy.

    @Fang lol I'd be happy to have a new job, to be honest I'm not too sure why I kept going there. Even Jessie couldn't figure it out. I'm surprised I was never fired still. Thanks but as I said to the Berserc Herc, I just ain't too good at that kinda thing. I like to get as much done by myself as a I can, even if I have no chance at doing it alone.

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  7. I hate the hairdressers! And I regretted cutting my long hair too, can't wait for it to grow long again!

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  8. @Hazel Well you're a girl, yours is supposed to be long :P I won't have it cut short, just shoulder length. I was told it looked pretty good like that.

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  9. I think it's great that you want to start fresh in 2012. Nothing wrong with that. It's pretty easy to not want to go out when you're inside all the time. But you have to get out there. It's therapeutic. Don't let negatives outweigh the positives in life. Great post. I'm pulling for ya!

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  10. @Marks comment to Hazel Girls are suppose to have long hair?! Everyones suppose to have long hair! Its only in the last couple hundred years theres been a push for guys to have short hair! Long hair is humany!

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  11. Last word is suppost to be
    humanly!

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  12. It's nice to read positive posts. And this one it is! May the 2012 be your year.

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  13. @Barb Thanks, I'm glad someone is lol. It's already been too long since I tried to sort my life out.

    @Bersercules LOL Yeah there was a time when gentlemen did wear their hair long. I'm not sure what's happened to men lately I just know I'm not a big fan of it.

    @Tim Thanks I'm hoping it's a good year too.

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  14. always set your goals just slightly beyond your reach. That way, no matter how much you achieve and how much you accomplish, there is always that something extra to reach for.

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  15. @JOutlaw I'd prefer to just not stop setting goals. You have to feel like you've achieved something or you won't want to keep going.

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  16. I'm trying to do the same next year. :3

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  17. @My 2 Pesos Good luck to you buddy.

    @Interwebs Fails I hope you can think of what you need to do and get it done.

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  18. It's great to see you setting goals and seeming positive about them. :)

    2011 was pretty crappy for me and I still haven't really thought about making any goals for next year. Oh well, it can't be any worse than this year was.

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  19. @Heaven Thanks, I'd like to achieve them. 2011 wasn't too bad for me, I hope that you have a better 2012 than you did 2011.

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  20. I'm just fucking ready for 2011 to be over. I'm not one for the whole resolution thing on new year's, but my only thing is that I'm going to work harder so 2012 isn't the suckfest that 2011 was. I'm ready to move forward with my fucking life.

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  21. I feel ya for your poor hair. I had hair past my waist and cut it for an interview at a private college. I didn't get in.

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  22. @GD good luck with that one dude. I think that it isn't going to be too hard to make 2012 not suck as much as 2011 for me lol.

    @Dylanthulu That seriously sucks. I wouldn't have cut it for that though lol. You were just going to grow it again anyway.

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  23. @Mark I've always thought women with short hair look best, so I think men are becoming woman and woman men!

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  24. Yeah I agree, I don't see why people feel the need to become "new" after the new year, why not start today.

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  25. @Bersercules I suppose it's a possibility. It's no secret that men are becoming more concerned about their appearance and such. I miss the days when men were men. Now most kids from straight families are growing up with a strong male role model lol.

    @Imaoitsjesus Well I've said it before and I'll say it again. Without some kind of catalyst or reason to do it, most might never do it.

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  26. Just remember: December drags on. It's 31 days too long

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  27. Wowzaass your hair must have been long (post pictures!?) O_O One of my friends had dreadlocks down to his waist and when he cut them off he found silver fish and other assorted bugs in them!

    Ohhh i hope the new year is better for you <3 You should definetly try going out more! I think i'm just one those people who makes friends ANYWHERE! Possibly because im too nice and talk to everyone hehe O_O xx

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  28. I hope next year will be better for you. And for all of us for that matter.

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  29. @Generally Disgruntled And the year is 365 days too long. Not counting leap years.

    @Tilly I don't have any pictures from that time, at least not any I'm willing to share lol. I would get dreads but I really don't think they look good on white guys. I hope I have a good new year too, but I'm not that great with people. Well, I can be quite the charmer, but I'm not good with them initially.

    @Film Geek Bastard Me too. A lot of people deserve a good year.

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  30. Learning to drive was the best thing I ever did. It gives you so much freedom not having to rely on family & friends or even public transport for lifts!

    I hope you have a good new year, doesn't have to be a new start to be good! (:

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  31. @Megan I start driving lessons at the end of January. Dad got them sorted for me. I hope the new year is good too. I could use a good year.

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  32. Get it done. Saying/typing it out is one thing but actually committing and doing it is another.

    Keep us updated with your progress and we'll nag you if you get off track. :P

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  33. @DWei It's the actually doing it part I do typically fail at :P If I can think to keep you updated I will. I could use an occasional nag.

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  34. Wow, your honesty was amazing in this post.

    I hope I can write that openly someday.

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  35. @Miss Sassy Pants I've followed you long enough to know that you mean that, so thank you. I've been massively honest in some regards, and hidden has hell in some others. I too am aspiring for total openness.

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