So I was watching How I Met Your Mother (great show btw) when Ted said to Robin "We look for dopplegangers, but, over time, we become our own dopplegangers. We become these completely different people who happen to look like us. Robin five years ago was great, but doppleganger Robin, she's amazing." He said this after Robin was worried about who she had become because she had been hurt pretty bad, and Ted was reassuring her, and I think it's a really nice message. Remove the word "Robin" with your own name, and feel amazing lol.
Anyway, this got me to thinking on how much a person can change, and it is true, over time we become someone who just happens to look like us, and some of us even change what we look like dramatically. You can say anyone can change in five years, but even after two people can change a lot. But I'm going to talk about who I was five years ago.
Five years ago today I was done with secondary school at last, and preparing to go to college, expecting everything to be different, expecting to really learn something I like, something I could use, and being in a learning environment (Colleges like to say they "aren't schools") that wasn't full of dicks and asses. I was looking forward to going to a place no one new me, I could have a fresh start, maybe even make some friends. I had never even kissed a girl let alone been in a relationship (yeah yeah troll me all you want) and a lot of people thought I was high a lot because of the fact I was always spaced out. I was sarcastic, a bit cynical but not as much, and lived a pretty nice existence in a pretty nice house, and din't have the internet. I would say I was innocent back then, but I haven't been innocent in such a long time I've forgotten what it was like, but that is a story I actually can't tell. But I was pretty clean, I didn't use drugs, I didn't drink and I wasn't smoking or anything. Though I still do neither of those things, though now it is just that I can't afford drink or fags lol. But yeah, I wasn't very happy, but I was full of dreams of tomorrow, full of thoughts of what everything would be like.
Five years later, here I am. I've been in a few relationships, kissed a girl, and done a lot more, but I'm still a virgin. I dropped out of college twice. The first time, the time I was actually looking forward to it. I dropped out after four weeks. That's right, I lasted a month. It turns out college was no different. I think I've talked a bit about that, but I said to myself "You know, I don't need to stay any more. Screw you guys, I'm going home!". So go home I did, and I stayed there and did nothing for a year. I have told that story before actually, I've discussed even the second college before, so there's no need to go into greater detail about those days. I finally gave up on college when I was about 17. I had dropped out for the second time, and didn't see the point in going again, so left it. When I was 19 I was sent to do voluntary work by the guvment because I'd never had a job before, something which made me quite unhirable, and while I'd like to talk about that, those people have me on facebook, so there's a minuscule chance of them reading it lol. Maybe when I formally decide to quit. When I started there though, I couldn't imagine I would end up how I am today. I don't really like the place much, been let down by the people there too much, been hurt by them too. I've changed a lot in the two years I've been there really.
For a few years I played Warcraft, I made some good friends on there, but went a bit too far with some people, plus the game got worse and worse over time, eventually I just didn't have any money coming in, and was able to use that as an excuse to go. I hung on for as long as I could for the people on there though. But during that time, again, I had some real highs. I had a lot of major lows too, but I do remember the highs too. Again, I was let down and hurt too much. People vanished without a trace. There was even a girl I fell madly in love with, boy was I DESTROYED when I found out she was a lesbian. I even told myself time and time again that she wasn't gay, she just couldn't love a guy, and I could change that. Denial sure is fun.
Then a while back, I got a message from Jesse on Facebook, and the world looked brighter again, and it still does. With how I talk about her, people think we're a couple lol, but we aren't. Even her girlfriend once sent her a message saying she was me and I was madly in love with her. So it's cool we can joke about it.
The people who know me reckon that on the outside I seem sadder these days, but I think I might have picked up a little bit. I must have if I could apply to college again, and to be able to try and lose some weight so I can go out there and find myself somebody. I know I need to love mahself first though. I have trouble trusting people because I can't trust myself, so why should I trust someone to love me when I don't trust myself? I can't.
Anyway, this post was supposed to really be about how people can change so much in a short amount of time, and become people barely recognized, even by themselves, but it ended up being a bit of an emotional tirade. Sorry about that. Five years ago I was full of hope for the future, and full of determination, now, who am I? Even I don't know really, but the short answer is "I am me, that's all I can be, and I get to decide who that is". Have you changed much in the past few years?