Thursday, 1 September 2011

What A Difference Five Years Makes

So I was watching How I Met Your Mother (great show btw) when Ted said to Robin "We look for dopplegangers, but, over time, we become our own dopplegangers. We become these completely different people who happen to look like us. Robin five years ago was great, but doppleganger Robin, she's amazing." He said this after Robin was worried about who she had become because she had been hurt pretty bad, and Ted was reassuring her, and I think it's a really nice message. Remove the word "Robin" with your own name, and feel amazing lol.

Anyway, this got me to thinking on how much a person can change, and it is true, over time we become someone who just happens to look like us, and some of us even change what we look like dramatically. You can say anyone can change in five years, but even after two people can change a lot. But I'm going to talk about who I was five years ago.

Five years ago today I was done with secondary school at last, and preparing to go to college, expecting everything to be different, expecting to really learn something I like, something I could use, and being in a learning environment (Colleges like to say they "aren't schools") that wasn't full of dicks and asses. I was looking forward to going to a place no one new me, I could have a fresh start, maybe even make some friends. I had never even kissed a girl let alone been in a relationship (yeah yeah troll me all you want) and a lot of people thought I was high a lot because of the fact I was always spaced out. I was sarcastic, a bit cynical but not as much, and lived a pretty nice existence in a pretty nice house, and din't have the internet. I would say I was innocent back then, but I haven't been innocent in such a long time I've forgotten what it was like, but that is a story I actually can't tell. But I was pretty clean, I didn't use drugs, I didn't drink and I wasn't smoking or anything. Though I still do neither of those things, though now it is just that I can't afford drink or fags lol. But yeah, I wasn't very happy, but I was full of dreams of tomorrow, full of thoughts of what everything would be like.

Five years later, here I am. I've been in a few relationships, kissed a girl, and done a lot more, but I'm still a virgin. I dropped out of college twice. The first time, the time I was actually looking forward to it. I dropped out after four weeks. That's right, I lasted a month. It turns out college was no different. I think I've talked a bit about that, but I said to myself "You know, I don't need to stay any more. Screw you guys, I'm going home!". So go home I did, and I stayed there and did nothing for a year. I have told that story before actually, I've discussed even the second college before, so there's no need to go into greater detail about those days. I finally gave up on college when I was about 17. I had dropped out for the second time, and didn't see the point in going again, so left it. When I was 19 I was sent to do voluntary work by the guvment because I'd never had a job before, something which made me quite unhirable, and while I'd like to talk about that, those people have me on facebook, so there's a minuscule chance of them reading it lol. Maybe when I formally decide to quit. When I started there though, I couldn't imagine I would end up how I am today. I don't really like the place much, been let down by the people there too much, been hurt by them too. I've changed a lot in the two years I've been there really.

For a few years I played Warcraft, I made some good friends on there, but went a bit too far with some people, plus the game got worse and worse over time, eventually I just didn't have any money coming in, and was able to use that as an excuse to go. I hung on for as long as I could for the people on there though. But during that time, again, I had some real highs. I had a lot of major lows too, but I do remember the highs too. Again, I was let down and hurt too much. People vanished without a trace. There was even a girl I fell madly in love with, boy was I DESTROYED when I found out she was a lesbian. I even told myself time and time again that she wasn't gay, she just couldn't love a guy, and I could change that. Denial sure is fun.

Then a while back, I got a message from Jesse on Facebook, and the world looked brighter again, and it still does. With how I talk about her, people think we're a couple lol, but we aren't. Even her girlfriend once sent her a message saying she was me and I was madly in love with her. So it's cool we can joke about it.

The people who know me reckon that on the outside I seem sadder these days, but I think I might have picked up a little bit. I must have if I could apply to college again, and to be able to try and lose some weight so I can go out there and find myself somebody. I know I need to love mahself first though. I have trouble trusting people because I can't trust myself, so why should I trust someone to love me when I don't trust myself? I can't.

Anyway, this post was supposed to really be about how people can change so much in a short amount of time, and become people barely recognized, even by themselves, but it ended up being a bit of an emotional tirade. Sorry about that. Five years ago I was full of hope for the future, and full of determination, now, who am I? Even I don't know really, but the short answer is "I am me, that's all I can be, and I get to decide who that is". Have you changed much in the past few years?

28 comments:

  1. Very true

    5 years ago I was miss independent. I had a great job and a fantastic night life. I'd go out afterwork, and crawl into be around 4am. Wake up the next day as bright as a daisy and do it all over again. My friends were vast and unusual.

    Now... I'm an MRS. I like to go home from work and cook a lovely meal. I relax with my hubby and get to bet at a reasonable hour. We spend our evenings and weekends with family. All of our friends are now in serious relationships/ have kids.

    Yeah I've changed. Regrets? None :)

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  2. hmm 5 years ago life was easy for me, everything was simple and not much was expected from me. how things change...

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  3. nice thought... (i love that show btw) 5 years ago i was struggling through college (i had to finish my degree in 4 years or i'll have to pay for the succeeding years myself)

    people really do change through time. but who we are today is hugely because of the decisions we've made for our selves in the past.

    earn that degree! not for other people... but for yourself

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  4. @Indistinctive Writer I think a psychology degree would mostly benefit other people more than myself :P

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  5. what I'm trying to say is that you achieve something for yourself... have something to be proud about and maybe learn to love and appreciate yourself better ^_^

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  6. @Indistinctive WriterHehe well yes, change for yourself, and achieve for yourself, and love yourself.

    I'm still working on those.

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  7. 5 years later, still a virgin. How can you still be a virgin? Maybe you should try drinking some

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  8. 5 years ago, I was in college and even until now.
    So, it's pretty obvious. Things didn't change much for me.
    My classmates who's like 5 years younger than can't believe I'm 26 already. (awesome right?)
    I get to deceive them that I'm still a teenage girl. hahaha!

    but anyway, to change or not to change. I'm still me. and I love me more than anything else in the world.

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  9. @Michael Westside I haven't had a serious relationship in quite some time.

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  10. @Mai Yang Loving yourself more than anything else in the world is essential...ish :) When I applied for college they asked me if my exam results were guaranteed, as in, I'd received them in the mail already...these were exams I took five years ago. Your life may not have changed much in five years, but your personality, and most definitely the world around you, has.

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  11. Five years is a lot of time, and the human mind is fragile and very, very prone to change. A single year is more than enough time for drastic change.

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  12. I'm an entirely different person than I was several years ago.

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  13. Five years ago I couldn't even drink legally. It was a pretty tumultuous year. On one hand, I had finally figured out what I wanted to major in (English Literature) and I had a single dorm room. I made a shit ton of new friends because I was actually sociable. During the summer, I made some of my best friends at my summer job who I still hang out with. But, I spent a pretty good chunk of the year without a job because I abruptly quit my terrible fast food job, and my best friend abandoned me for a more typical college experience. And it was the same year I spent a little bit of time in a psyche ward. What a year. But here I am now, barely being sociable, and again, unemployed, but finished with college. Don't quite know what to think or feel on this.

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  14. Five years ago I spent my days smoking pot!

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  15. @Generally Disgruntled Some parts of me haven't changed, and probably never will. I wasn't that sociable back then. All in all it sounds like a pretty mixed year, which is the same as everyone really. You should feel good that you can take the good and the bad, rather than just focusing on the bad. You seem like a pretty cool guy to me so try not to judge yourself too harshly.

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  16. 5 years is a lot of time, but going back to last year, I could say I changed, but not a lot.
    I think the trouble with trusting people is that people aren't trust worthy. That's how you have to set your mind; everybody lies. Otherwise, you can hope that they won't let you down and be disappointed. There are people I know for years (by this I mean the 2-3 persons I should call friends) but they know half the person I am - that if they know so much.
    I always liked going to a new school. Nobody knows me, and there was this excitement of meeting new people who *should* be awesome. After a few months I could barely stand my colleagues. Life..

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  17. Quite a tough story.
    As many said, 5 years is a lot of time. My life has taken so many twists this last 5 years i wouldn't be able to count em. Bunch of relationships, lived in many countries, 3 different careers, a bunch of fights, being uber broke to have crazy amounts of cash and wasting it... it happens. Glad it happened while im young.

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  18. @Hasidic Plumber Well you came out of it pretty cool if I say so myself lol. Five years was a long time sure, I was going to say one year, but then I realised I haven't changed much in a year. More than I realise sure, but not a great deal. People can change in a matter of seconds really.

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  19. 5 years ago I was in a lot of bands and doing a lot of drugs.
    Now I just write books, and do a little drugs. :)

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  20. It's funny, 5 years in your youth definitely brings on bigger changes. As you get older it just means more gray. No I'm not bitter. haha.

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  21. man in the last 5,10,15 years? i just keep getting better as time progresses. Damn Im good. I am the absolute definition of perfection.

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  22. I can't even notice 5 years anymore - when they're leaving forever.

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  23. Yeah I hate looking back to the past, as much as I want to say I've changed I can see all my stupid mistakes and can see me repeating them again in some new way even though I learned a bit the first time around.

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  24. I'm hoping to force even more changes on myself in the oncoming years. That's the only way I'm going to survive.

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  25. I've changed drastically in the past two years. And by that, I mean that I blog about penises and I have no life.

    So...yeah, don't feel bad about being a virgin.

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  26. @Generally Disgruntled Being able to judge yourself is a good way to self improve, to let yourself know you can be, and do, better, but don't be too hard on yourself or you'll just be too depressed to it, or try and force yourself to do something you shouldn't.

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