Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Dear Sixteen Year Old Me

First off an apology actually. I know I can be quite the commenting ninja and be everywhere, and I'm very dedicated to the blogs I follow, but I have been without internet since Saturday afternoon, and only got it back yesterday. I'm going to try and get as up to date as I can, but rest assured, I am back, and I am slower than ever. But I can blame that on the weather.

Okay so here is day two of my writers challenge. I don't think I'll be able to make it into a full week like I wanted to lol, but I thank you again for all the suggestions given. Even if it was only a few :P If you have something you want me to write just leave a comment. This one is for Hazel and Joan. Hazel suggested that I write a letter to an older, or younger version of myself. I have written to younger me, specifically 16 year old me. I want to write to forty year old me because the doctor said I'd be lucky to live till 30 (I have plans to go in on my 30th birthday and ask him if something went wrong. If you're wondering why he said that it's because of my weight). But that would be really personal, for my eyes only, and I have no way to make sure I would read it at forty, and wouldn't read it again until then. So for now, this is my letter to 16 year old me, which is pathetic and emotional and personal >_> In fact I won't even be posting this on Twitter or Facebook because I'm not sure I want my family to read it. So if you are reading this, well done. Enjoy!


Dear 16 Year Old Me;
Well, that's it, schools over. That was quite Hellish wasn't it? I know you think college is going to be a lot better, and I'm sorry to tell you this, but it really isn't. Not for you at least, but you find out later it was for other people, like Jesse. Remember her? Yeah she went to college, she got the education that school didn't want to give her, she's still in the process of making something of herself, but you know she can do it, and when she does, you'll be right there to borrow money from her.

So yeah, college wasn't too good. Actually you go twice, the first time, the time you think is going to be different, you last a week. You make it through one whole week. If it's any consolation I don't think the work would have taken it out of you. When you want to, you can work hard, and that is something other people seem to agree on, even if you don't. Well, not everyone thinks like that, but that's an issue for later. I'm going to try to keep this chronological.

What are you going to do when you drop out of college? Not much really, I actually can't remember a great deal about that, it might be for the best really. I suppose if I wanted to remember it I would. But your parents are amazing, and stick with you through the tough times, letting you recover on your own. Your stepdad even talks about what a shame it is that you were recovering so well, you got so far up that hill, and now you're back at the bottom, trying to claw your way up. But you learnt pretty early on that life isn't fair, you're used to it by now. Heck I can't even remember when you learnt that lesson, it was that long ago.

When 17 comes around you think to yourself that you'll give college a go. It's a bit rough at first, you don't like explaining that you dropped out of college after a week, and now you hate even more having to explain that you dropped out twice. Sorry to spoil it for you, but yep, this time you don't last a year again. You did manage to last quite a while though, and again it wasn't the work that got to you. It was your personal life. For the first time in your life you went and got yourself a girlfriend. Awesome huh? What's she like? Well, she made you laugh and smile, she made you genuinely happy. She also gave you a lot of hope for the future. Maybe that's something that went wrong. You got too caught up in the future to live in the now. Don't ever forget what Meatloaf taught you, “don't worry about the future, sooner or later it's the past.”

You were happy for a time though. You lasted a good few months, I can't really remember how long it lasted, but it did last for a while, and you learnt a great deal about yourself from that experience. It also didn't really teach you much about relationships though. That's a burden you still bear to this day, not to mention the pain of her leaving you. Right now I don't really know how to handle being in a relationship still. Even though you've had a few more since then, you've still not learnt it. You're still too clingy, and easily jealous. It's a long journey, but you still love to learn. Hell there's one girl who has to try to convince you to leave her because she knows she can't be faithful, and it's easier on you. Boy did you refuse to let her go. You almost lost two friends over her. Though now you don't even talk to them any more actually.

You even got to meet a cool Swedish guy called Dan. He'll teach you a bit of Swedish too, although you'll only remember a few words. It's a nice language though, and forms a deal of the book you're writing. But there'll be more on that later. Maybe you'll meet Dan again, or Luci, but I wouldn't count on it. There's no guarantee, and you need to move on after it happens. It's going to be tough, but it's something that has to be done. You're good at giving advice, but you never listen to yourself, or actually to other's sometimes. That would probably be one of your biggest faults.

You have to live without Jesse for a few years, but don't worry, you still have some friends that come and go in that time, and you manage to find things to do. Plus Jesse got herself a good girl who keeps an eye on her in your absence. She doesn't need anyone to look after her now though. She might need a bit of a pick me up, her college work is stressful, but everyone needs that. You should know.

Some time during those two years, you got back into wrestling, still watch it now too It's not as good, but you stick with it. You used to be part of a wrestling watching community, and one of the people there convinced you to try playing World of Warcraft. You loved the RTS games, and always wanted to give it a go, so you did.

You'll meet a lot of good friends in there, but sadly you'll also lose a lot of them. In fact, you lose all of them when you stop playing. But try to remember the happy times you had with them, the ones you loved as well as lost. Those are the times you should try to remember, even if it seems all you can remember is the harsh sadness that stopped you from playing in the first place. That, and like most things, it just stopped being good. If it weren't for your friends, you would have stopped playing long before you actually did.

You also stopped being part of that wrestling community. You've had a lot of lonely nights, and I still do sometimes. But you know something? I actually still have some hope for the future. Can't be much worse than this.

Your girlfriend makes you get a Facebook account, but don't worry. It's actually thanks to Facebook that Jesse can find you again. Still not sure why she got an account, but I've just never asked. But it's where she finds you and where you still chat. You meet up occasionally but not that much because well, she has college, a girlfriend, and doesn't get a great deal of free time. But you can live with that. One of your best features is that you're patient and understanding.

You also start doing some voluntary work at the request of the job centre. Let's be fair, you've never had a job before, it was a good idea that you do it. It has it's ups and downs, and it goes well overall really I guess. You buy a lot of stuff you want, and it gets you out of the house. The people though, they seem nice at first, and well they are really, they just know how to get on your nerves. Give them time though hey? Let them meet the real you, he's not that much of a douche. 

Not too long after you got off WoW you had the idea to start up a blog. At first there was no one around really. Jesse was the only one who read it, apart from Donna, but then people started coming. Now people do like your writing, who would have thought that would turn out to be something you were good at? Remember how much you sucked at creative writing in English? I do, you couldn't even keep a diary, now you keep a blog, update every day, and are even working on a book.

So I guess you can see why I have some hope for the future. About the only thing I seem to be running out of hope on is my attempts to lose weight. I know I have to stick with it and such, but I don't seem to be getting much in the way of results. One day though, you'll look and feel badass, and maybe even be a writer, even if now it seems your dream is to go into computers, I don't recommend it. You have an interest in them, and people say you're good with them, but it wasn't really enough to get into them properly. Later you develop a wanting to be a psychiatrist, still do really, but we'll have to see what becomes of that some time in the future. You even applied for college again, but you didn't go in the end. You knew you wouldn't make it.

For now you should focus on losing weight, and becoming happy, and on doing something, such as keeping up your blog, writing your story, and becoming who you want. All the rest will come as it will.

Sincerely,
You

PS: Sorry if this kind of breaks reality somehow. Not intentional.

==============================================

Okay at some parts it did become more of a letter to my current self, but screw it. When I write, I tend not to stop until I'm done. And I'm done. So, nyeh. 

34 comments:

  1. I'd rather not write to my past self. I'm afraid I'd mess up and do something that causes me to not meet the great friends I have now.

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  2. hahahahaha! I thought there's no ending ;-p

    welcome back! ^_^

    anyway, yeah, I know you've been working voluntarily, how is it? or how was it? you never talk about your work. lol..

    off now to watch Dexter :-)

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  3. @Fang The one thing I tried my hardest to do is to not say "Don't do this". I don't believe in changing the past. I could say I could do without the hurt Luci gave me, but if it weren't for her I'd probably have never joined Facebook and met Jesse again.

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  4. @Mai Yang I don't talk about work because I don't want the people from work reading it :P But I doubt they read this stuff anyway. Maybe I should leave a subtle hint in a post I want them to respond to as a test to see if they do, if they don't then maybe I will write that. Like when I called someone on my FB a dick, and he never responded, so he never read it lol.

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  5. Your focuses are out of order. Jus' sayin'. (^___^)

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  6. @HenryAn awful lot of things to do with me are :P

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  7. There would be only one thing to say to my 16 year old self.

    "Get. More. Sleep."

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  8. @DWei For me it would be "Remember, sleep is overrated."

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  9. When I write I have to keep going until I stop, too. If I stop in the middle, or even near the end, and try to come back later... *poof* I am completely on a different wavelength and basically have to start over. :/

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  10. That was quite a sad story :(.

    I once wrote a letter to my future self. Maybe that should be your next challenge! :)

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  11. I'd tell my 16 year old self to stop being a lazy bastard and fire up.

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  12. Dear 16 year old me,

    You're a fucking idiot.

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  13. Dear 16 year old me: Don't smoke.

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  14. @dirtycowgirl To be honest I've never really had them. The ones I had at 16 turned out to not be ones I actually wanted to go through with, and they seem to change all the time.

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  15. Oh wow, that was very personal and a bit depressing on some parts.
    I would say my 16 year old me that i should live up to my potential and not be a lazy ass hahahah

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  16. @Hasidic Plumber And of course to go to plumbing school :P There'll be a rant tomorrow so that won't be depressing.

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  17. I only have one question. How much do you weigh?

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  18. @Bersercules As much as I love answering questions I don't think I'll be answering that one any time soon lol.

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  19. Love your creativity. It just was a wee bit hard to read it seeing as my first name is Jesse. haha

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  20. @Copyboy Haha Mark is a very very common name, so I know that feel.

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  21. Everybody wants to tell something to himself at 16's.

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  22. Just want until you're past the 30 mark - you'll have a ton to tell your younger self.

    I think it all really does get better. At some point you stop caring what people think and start figuring out who you want to be. It's a beautiful thing.

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  23. I'd certainly tell my 16 year old self a lot, lot of things.

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  24. OH GOD I'M TURNING SIXTEEN. Now I'm scared. -.-'

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  25. That was a good read, a little sad but good none the less.

    I'm like you with the writing thing, if I stop half way i'm screwed.

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  26. I wish I could send a letter to myself in the past, I'd avoid so many mistakes...

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  27. @Shaw Oooh don't get me started on you lol. Try not to avoid the mistakes. It isn't one if you learnt from it, you don't know who you'd be if you didn't make any.

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  28. wow, i just read this... thanks to your saturday round-up ^_^

    this is just a suggestion but i believe you'll do well on an english course (writing/journalism/literature)i'm a graduate of bachelor of arts in english myself and like you i also struggled so hard on my first year of college because i took up accountancy! LOL but english was my choice. it's where i'm good at. it's where im happy.

    I was also kind of 'chubby' okay fat.. when i was a teen... the secret is to stop drinking SODA!

    life is interesting... you'll be surprised to find out what your future self would tell you ^_^

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  29. @Indistinctive Writer It's a good job you read it because I partly made it for you lol. For the past two weeks now I've drank nothing but water except on three days. Wait, 2. Yeah 2. I'm under Jessie's orders. I think if I was to try to sit a course on how to write and things I would just lose interest.

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  30. they didn't teach me how to write in college lol the courses were i guess like blogging. i'd be given a topic and have to write about it. different writing styles and i had to own version for each. and then learning about other writers, genre and famous literary pieces from different parts of the world

    you can actually drink anything... just not soda... it's just liquid sugar... ^_^

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  31. @Indistinctive Writer Yeah that sounds like it would kill all my interest. You shouldn't be trying different writing styles, but I do think that you should try writing different things, but you need to find your own style.

    I'm under Jessie's orders. At first she said squash and juice was okay but then changed her mind on that one too.

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  32. This is such a lovely post, thanks for leaving it in my comments.. it was a pleasure to read.

    These things are tough to write aren't they? I hope you found yours as therapeutic as I did (though I've been thinking a bit too much since I wrote mine earlier today!)

    I hope your life is going well now, you deserve the best, and alot of people drop out of college.. I guess it just isnt for everyone :)

    Reading this made me feel sad and happy at the same time, you are a really great writer. So glad I found your blog :) xx

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  33. @Charlotte Well if I wasn't feeling good I certainly was after reading that. Thank you very much :) Life is...well it's mixed really. I can't exactly say it's bad when I still have the bestest best friend in the whole wide world, but I can hardly say it's good when I go to sleep at night lonely and spend too much time thinking about what could have been and could be.

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