Saturday, 27 August 2011

To Do Or Not To Do

For once I'm going to blog about current affairs in my life. For those who don't remember (or weren't around back then) I said some while ago that I had applied to college, and that they had told me that I more than likely would not be getting in. Guess what? I actually got in!

But see, that's where the problems start. I don't know if I want to go anymore. I considered it enough that I had applied, and sure, I had meant to go in if I got in, but I also expected to be able to get a ride there from my dad, as he was supposed to be getting laid off before or over the summer, but he still has his job (this is not a bad thing, I'm not that evil I'm going to complain that my dad has a job). But he also has the car less now anyway because my brother is always using it now he's passed his test, and it's cheaper to just make him a named driver on my dads car, as my dad doesn't use it for much anyway, and he has a bus pass. He's quite happy to keep using the bus. But this means I have no rides anywhere. Well, very few.  If I'd applied for my drivers license a few years ago like I almost always did, this probably wouldn't have been too much of a problem.

But as well as not having a ride, I'm also in a worse mental state than I was before. I honestly do not remember the last time I left the house on my own. It's good enough to say "You can just catch the bus, it'll be cool", but I'm not good with buses, I don't like them, and I'm not good with being outside in general. Seriously, it's like the guy who applied isn't the guy who's going to get the chance to go.

The next problem is fees. My dad says he's cool with the fees, but I'm not. He's paying for my sister to do her own A-levels, and buying one of my nieces her supplies for her GCSE's. Add my fees onto that, and it just seems like too much, but the fees are too much for me to pay alone. Even if I payed them off in chunks, I have no guarantee I'll have the money at the time I need to pay. I mentioned yesterday that the little paycheck I earn from this is, well, little, but it's also sporadic.

Now that I have the opportunity, I don't  know if I can take it, and honestly, I'm angry at myself, for doing this. For refusing to take chances that are offered to me, for coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn't take them. I refuse to leave my comfort zone, and it's my own damn fault.

I also planned to be in better shape, but things have gone pretty bad on that front too. It's hard to work out when you're a poor shut in. It's hard to stick to a good diet when you're a shit cook. I don't know what to do anymore really. I should do this, no matter what it takes, but what if I fail? What if I go through all this just to see my dad lose out on money? That will kill me. If it's true that your thoughts going into a task are what decide if you fail or not, then let there be no doubt that I will fail. I've not even tried and I've failed already.

When I applied in the first place, everything was a sign that now was the time to do it, everything seemed to be going my way, but now everything seems to be going wrong and saying that I shouldn't go. Except Jesse, who just went through something very scary to her, says that if she can do that, I can do this, I need to man up, and remember that I'm stronger than I've ever given myself credit for.

God I feel like shit.

If anyone's interested I was going to study psychology, sociology, and history. Why did I say that in the past tense? Why "Was", not "Am"? Damnit. I have until Tuesday to make a decision, and I really don't know what to do.

To be honest I think I'm going to go. I can't back out of something just because it's going to be harder than it was. It just means I have to confront this shit, and be a man about it. Maybe if I keep telling myself that enough I will in fact man up, call the college, and ask them to enroll me.


I'm all over the place huh?

24 comments:

  1. Go at it strong, if you manage to do that the sheer feeling of accomplishment will drive you further.

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  2. that's awesome!

    take your time! and think twice ^_^

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  3. Love this blog post! A really interesting read! Followed!

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  4. dude, if you can go back to school, do it.
    get that piece of paper.
    at the very least, it guarantees teaching jobs overseas.

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  5. I dont think these social majors are clever choices, it's tought to get a decent job after graduation with these majors.

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  6. That has to be easy decision. If you're even thinking about that then you shouldn't do it.

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  7. Go back to school. Think about the possibilities.

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  8. I think college is a waste of time in general, but if you want to do it, then go for it. Who cares if it's harder. If you won't do it, you'll just be pissed that you didn't try.

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  9. Get through it all and it will be all the more satisfying.

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  10. I strongly disagree with Bob. Studying is never a waste of time, as long as it is what you want to do.

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  11. I know how you feel. I have that for a year now. I just can't commit to a career because I know I'd be too lazy to do it on a regular basis. Not exactly like your situation but comparable

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  12. Few years of slog, and you get paid like those corporation cats.

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  13. Stop being such a fucking wuss. Take the fucking bus. Be a man.

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  14. Going through school always pays off. just make sure you're actually interested in it.

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  15. About the Reddit thing, Reddit is really bugged. sometimes refreshing helps getting rid of downvotes lol.
    also when someone has been blocked for spam and he votes something up, it gets the upvote but also a downvote. so maybe the wrong person upvoted you

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  16. I can partially relate until I had a talk with a friend a few nights ago.

    You won't succeed unless you try. Yes you have a lot of problems right now, we all do. Address one at a time and ignore the rest, then move onto the next one.

    Only through hard work can you ever have a chance at doing anything with your life because you and I weren't that lucky 1% that had everything given to them on a silver platter.

    Chin up, we'll get through this together.

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  17. you should go. People with college degrees have much better prospects in life. In the USA people with college degrees have a 4% unemployment rate while everyone else is around 12%.

    Good read...following...

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  18. Bam. Now it's my turn. Not in a snide way, but in a turn around way that maybe I can help you out the way you've helped me. So I'm going to break down a few things.

    No one likes public transportation. It's generally smelly and cramped. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. A friend of mine's car broke down, so for three years he rode the bus two hours each way to and from work. And he's kind of neurotic and has anxiety disorders. What he did was find something to remove himself from the experience. Listening to music, reading, playing a handheld console, that kind of thing. It won't work 100% of the time, but it will help distract you from being disgruntled. At least give it a shot. Ease yourself into it well before you have to. Just shut out anything around you, and if shit gets too shitty, decompress a bit and then roll up on it again. Push your mental boundaries to expand your comfort zone. It's not easy, but I did it. A scant few months ago I wouldn't leave the house during daylight, and now I'm a threat at all times of the day (Except early morning. fuck that shit. No amount of coffee in the world can guarantee I will wake up before 8 am).

    As for relying on your dad for paying your way a bit, I'm in the same boat. It initially feels shitty, but your dad being willing to do it should be a pretty good indicator. He wants you to succeed, and is clearly willing to help you out. My dad is the same way, he's currently been paying my student loan payments for the past several months. Help is help. No one likes relying on it, but getting past that stigma is the first step.

    The weight thing is very close to my heart. I also can't afford to rock out super healthy foods or work out at a gym. So I improvise. I eat less that ideally, but I try to eat less and supplement with things that aren't terrible. Or eat multiple small meals to kick start your metabolism a bit. And for exercise, I just walk at the very least. For hours, and miles. And I use an old bike of mine. Just try to get your heart rate up for a while. Fifteen minutes of jogging, using a resistance belt or dumbells. There's a bunch of stuff online that will show you easy exercises to do. A lot right in your house too, with a minimal amount of equipment.

    This has been rambling on for a while, so I'm going to wrap it up: No regrets. Whatever happens, whatever you decide you're going to do, go at it with no regrets. I've got your back, and you may still have my e-mail, so go ahead and use it whenever. And stay up, and look towards what'll be better, not what COULD be worse

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  19. @Generally Disgruntled I do indeed still have your email, and I did indeed email you. Thanks. Seriously. I ain't serious too often either.

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  20. to be in a better shape will definitely helps you mate, not only physically but mentally as well. When I was still a avid gamer playing online games for hours daily, I was really skinny and I was always insecure. But when I started working out, I have become more and more confident and life has just become so damn good since then.

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  21. It's because I read this post yesterday, so I don't know what else to say. But can I just comment on your "why a post everyday?"
    I mean, I don't want to comment, but I wanna agree with you on that :)

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  22. @Mai Yang A pretty thing like you can comment on whatever she wants

    /creepy

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