For once I'm going to blog about current affairs in my life. For those who don't remember (or weren't around back then) I said some while ago that I had applied to college, and that they had told me that I more than likely would not be getting in. Guess what? I actually got in!
But see, that's where the problems start. I don't know if I want to go anymore. I considered it enough that I had applied, and sure, I had meant to go in if I got in, but I also expected to be able to get a ride there from my dad, as he was supposed to be getting laid off before or over the summer, but he still has his job (this is not a bad thing, I'm not that evil I'm going to complain that my dad has a job). But he also has the car less now anyway because my brother is always using it now he's passed his test, and it's cheaper to just make him a named driver on my dads car, as my dad doesn't use it for much anyway, and he has a bus pass. He's quite happy to keep using the bus. But this means I have no rides anywhere. Well, very few. If I'd applied for my drivers license a few years ago like I almost always did, this probably wouldn't have been too much of a problem.
But as well as not having a ride, I'm also in a worse mental state than I was before. I honestly do not remember the last time I left the house on my own. It's good enough to say "You can just catch the bus, it'll be cool", but I'm not good with buses, I don't like them, and I'm not good with being outside in general. Seriously, it's like the guy who applied isn't the guy who's going to get the chance to go.
The next problem is fees. My dad says he's cool with the fees, but I'm not. He's paying for my sister to do her own A-levels, and buying one of my nieces her supplies for her GCSE's. Add my fees onto that, and it just seems like too much, but the fees are too much for me to pay alone. Even if I payed them off in chunks, I have no guarantee I'll have the money at the time I need to pay. I mentioned yesterday that the little paycheck I earn from this is, well, little, but it's also sporadic.
Now that I have the opportunity, I don't know if I can take it, and honestly, I'm angry at myself, for doing this. For refusing to take chances that are offered to me, for coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn't take them. I refuse to leave my comfort zone, and it's my own damn fault.
I also planned to be in better shape, but things have gone pretty bad on that front too. It's hard to work out when you're a poor shut in. It's hard to stick to a good diet when you're a shit cook. I don't know what to do anymore really. I should do this, no matter what it takes, but what if I fail? What if I go through all this just to see my dad lose out on money? That will kill me. If it's true that your thoughts going into a task are what decide if you fail or not, then let there be no doubt that I will fail. I've not even tried and I've failed already.
When I applied in the first place, everything was a sign that now was the time to do it, everything seemed to be going my way, but now everything seems to be going wrong and saying that I shouldn't go. Except Jesse, who just went through something very scary to her, says that if she can do that, I can do this, I need to man up, and remember that I'm stronger than I've ever given myself credit for.
God I feel like shit.
If anyone's interested I was going to study psychology, sociology, and history. Why did I say that in the past tense? Why "Was", not "Am"? Damnit. I have until Tuesday to make a decision, and I really don't know what to do.
To be honest I think I'm going to go. I can't back out of something just because it's going to be harder than it was. It just means I have to confront this shit, and be a man about it. Maybe if I keep telling myself that enough I will in fact man up, call the college, and ask them to enroll me.
I'm all over the place huh?